As you already know, this is a weird time. In some ways, this pandemic has paralyzed me. It has been difficult to get my normal tasks done. And it has been borderline impossible to get new things done. Unfortunately, it has coincided with the need to get some new things done. These new things have directly resulted from the other side of the Coronavirus struggle. That other side has been a deep, somewhat involuntary dive into my relationship with my mother. It makes some sense. The Coronavirus pandemic is a call to grieve on a global scale. And grieving is a letting go, a call to change. If we don’t fight it too much, this is a time for intense and powerful internal change, making external change inevitable, whether we have the energy or not.
So I am letting go of my mother on a deeper level. And I am letting go of the mother energy still surrounding me. Unfortunately, that has meant letting go of some people who were carrying that mother energy. That means finding new ways to do things I have been doing for years. And that also means fighting the deep sense within me that I cannot do things in a new way because I must continue my allegiance to my mother. But this is an allegiance I am deeply opposed to. I have been battling this allegiance for many years. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I have worked hard to process contract after contract I have held with her. And now, there is another one. This one is not surprising. The fact that it is still here is probably the most surprising. But it does highlight the insidious and evil approach she took to controlling me. While this is my personal story, I also know that it is not.
This is much more than a personal story. It is the story of so many others. And it doesn’t help that we are constantly fighting (internally and externally) against a “mother story”. This story tells us that mothers are saints. They give so much. They are naturally nurturing and loving. They would do anything to protect us. We see these examples all over the movies, television, social media and Mother’s Day cards. Even our own mothers used this story to confuse us and leave us questioning our truth about what was really happening. But no mother lives up to the mother story, not even the good mothers. The mothers who are trying to live up to it are another story for another blog about societal victimization of women. But for today, let’s talk about the mothers who never intended to live up to it. Let’s discuss the mothers who use this story as a mask to hide their real intentions or a tool to gaslight their own children. Mothers can be just as nasty, controlling, manipulative and oppressive as any father can. Here are some examples of how toxic mothers control their children as exemplified by my own further discoveries this past month.
They compete with you. This starts at an incredibly young age. And that makes it impossible for you to win that competition. As a child, you will never be more talented, smart, financially savvy or manipulative than a grown adult. So you will learn early that you have no chance in life. You will never be able to truly succeed. You will never win. You will always be second-best. You learn you are unworthy of this life because you cannot figure out how to play the game better than the adults who were supposed to teach it to you. So you walk into adulthood carrying the heaviness of years of hopelessness.
They hold you to contracts. The concept of contracts might not make sense to you at first. Basically, they are deals. And you can probably guess they aren’t fair deals. They are often one-sided deals. Or if there is another side, it is often reneged or a total lie in the first place. And these contracts are lifelong. They might involve your future partners or children. They are meant to stop you from getting more out of life or having more success than your mother. Sometimes they are incredibly specific. They may tell you how much you are allowed to weigh or earn as a salary. And sometimes they are nebulous in ways that make it hard to know if you are keeping it. They may tell you that you have to play a specific role in relationships. There can even be contracts that contradict each other. In the end, you are likely to enter adulthood with a huge pile of rules you must follow, all of which will hold you back.
They sabotage you. Even with all the cards stacked against you, you will have moments of success. You will have times when you get close to happiness or feeling fulfilled. But those toxic mothers are watching closely. They can spot confidence a mile away. And they will come running. They will drive wedges in your relationships. They will convince you of your unworthiness when you start to feel good at something. They will remind you of your contracts over and over and over again. They will find ways to put you back in your place. And their methods are brutal. You would not consider doing these things to your worst enemies. They will break you with sabotage and convince you to give up. And you will grow up with no hope for the happiness you once thought was possible.
There is only one way out of this trap set by a toxic mother. We have to fight hard against the web of hopelessness they have created in us. We need to find these contracts. We need to feel this hopelessness. We need to help our inner parts see that their beliefs came from a toxic person and they don’t represent what our lives can be. We don’t owe our toxic mothers one little thing. We owe it to ourselves to live an amazing life. We owe it to future generations to stop this toxicity now. No matter what we may have heard from our toxic mothers, we can change our future.
Come join us in Survivor’s Guide in May as we get to know the karma kid, the primary inner part holding contracts with abusers. The more you know, the more you can release the hold of the past.
Yesss…this.
What an insightful post, Elisabeth! The part about contradicting contracts is helpful to hear- no wonder I feel confused. Just reading this post brought several contradicting contracts to light for me. My own mother is a master manipulator and just as vile and pathetic as my father. I have 1 year of no contact with my mother and I am looking forward to many more.
I hear you. Seeing these contracts will make such a difference for you as you move forward without her in your life.
This was EXCELLENT. I read this and saw my mother at every point. Then I read it again and said to myself: am I guilty of these points in any way…. and how can I be a truly supportive and understanding and the best mother possible?
It is so important to look at it from both angles. It is hard to break these cycles, but awareness is how we do it.
This has been my life! I’m fighting hard to break the cycle, never realized how conditioned Iam. My mother is now going after my daughter …I feel to get back at me, I have forgiven her repeatedly, really I can only forgive myself, and believe her when she shows me who she is.
You are so right Cindy! That is some very powerful insight. Mothers will absolutely go after our kids. I know my mother promised me she would in some of my contracts.
Hey. I just wanted some help. I’m 18.
Lately I have been really confused if my mother is toxic or overtly controlling p or I’m just a frustrated teen or it is dysfunctional household.
I really don’t know where to start.
1. So since I was young I have always been slapped as a form of discipline and I’m still slapped, punched or even choked (for like five seconds)[the choking started around 2 years ago]. I think my mom didn’t really meant to hurt me but I think she only did this to like instil a sense of fear.
2. Even I was around 10, I had not studied for a test and my mom was mad at me and scolding me so while scolding me she suddenly started throwing stuff at me, I clearly remember she threw a pen then a notebook and a glass. And the glass directly hit my forehead and I got two stitches. Every one else was told that I had slipped on my own. This was the only time i was really like physically hurt by her. (Even tho she did not mean to)
3. Now, she constantly mocks the way I speak even though I have clear speech and then continually critiques my weight and how fat my hips are. She even showed me her pictures and told me that she was the “slimmest person”.
I even have stretch marks and she makes fun of them and once even told me to not wear bikinis. Then once she was talking to her sister and she thought I was asleep but I heard it. She said that my little sister is more beautiful and all that she can see on my face is my wide nose and I’m not pretty.
4. She makes me wear the same clothes as my little sister (who is 7 years younger that me). A couple of times I have told her that I don’t want to wear the same clothes but she says that she paid for it and that I’m ungrateful. And one day she even told me that this was the last time I was “rebelling” against her and if I say anything against her I will face the consequences. And then one day we were having the same conversation and she hit her head twice on her own palm very hard and I have never talked to her about it again.
5. I’m not allowed to go out. Like hang out with friends. Since I was 14-15 I always wanted to but my mother had often mentioned in conversations that she does feel the need for friends to hang out after school if they stay together in school anyways.
Even If I go out I have tell her everything ranging from the people and even come back and show her the pictures.
For example, I went to my best friend of 14 years birthday and 1 house into it she started calling and asking me when I will be back.
6. I am also not allowed to have social media. I don’t have any Instagram. The only thing I have is Snapchat that keep logged out all the time and is hidden so she does not know about it. The chats I have with friends, I delete as soon as possible because my phone is only given to me for study purposes. Whenever I talk on call she just comes into my room and sits there and listens to all of it and then afterwards asks about what I talked about.
7. I am also not allowed to date. Because girls with “honour don’t date” (I don’t know what this means either ).
8. She also constantly tells me that she does not make me do many chores so I should be thankful and just study. On times she has also mentioned that she was married away at 21(she had and arranged marriage) so I should be lucky that I have this opportunity.(am I am grateful but idk sometimes things just don’t add up)
9. She is not very supportive to the lgbt+ community even tho I tried to sit her down and talk about it. She also not supportive to inter caste and inter – religion marriages.
It is not that I have just given into her rules, I have tried to sit her down and tried to give my own reasons for not liking some stuff that she does but she always evens the conversation but saying that I am a rebellious teenager and then warns me if I don’t change my ways she will see herself. So at this point I have just given up and just say ok to everything because I can’t argue or talk anymore and so came here to make myself understand first.
I am so sorry you have been treated like this Sarah. None of this is okay. I hope you are able to get a good therapist or coach and work through how her behavior has impacted you. You deserve to have a good life without fear of standing up for yourself.
The one thing that is in your power and can not be taken away is your freedom to leave as an adult. You will most likely be gaslighted or bribed in some way to stay close but I recommend you don’t fall for it but move several states away and find your own way, your voice, your life, before ever thinking about coming back to command your place as your own person.
Yes! I feel like we had the same mother! My mother did not have any dreams, plans, hobby and I had to go the same way.. I know all the contracts you mentioned. Braking them is going through the terror because they are engraved so deeply. The parts work, for me, is the best way to realise what’s going on…it takes years but it’s worthy. Thanks Elisabeth for your wisdom and help. Take care!
It really is worth it. We are worth so much than the contractual life we are living. Keep up the great work!
My mom is a narcissist, passive aggressive, and a manipulator. Even as a young child I knew her behavior was wrong. I have always stood up to her and she has hated me for it. Because of this we have never gotten along and it turned into hatred towards each other. I still stood my ground, always. Now people say i am suffering karma. She had several strokes in September 2019 and now has severe dementia, and also a right leg below the knee amputation. Guess who is her sole, full time care giver. Its not easy and we still fight, but I do it any way. Now she has to follow my rules and I do not put up with her behavior. It can be very interesting. I am not abusive, but I stand my ground.
That must be very hard. But don’t believe the karma comments. You are not required to do this. Keep know that if she gets abusive, you are not stuck there.
I WANT MY CYCLES BROKEN!!
You are breaking them!
Oh my gosh! I relate to it all and have so many emotions involved.
In order to survive my childhood, I had to completely dissociate.
I don’t remember my childhood for the most part. I am remembering ‘pieces’ as I work through awareness and somatic work. My mother wanted it this way. She wanted me to ‘buy into’ the story that she was the ideal mother. The ‘home-baked cookies and milk mother’ found in tv commercials couldn’t be farther from my reality but she was able to live behind that mask with her threatening manipulations, isolating me from others, punishments, and intentional neglect in order to ensure I was terrified to confront her self-created facade.
I have been ‘no contact’ for four years. It feels right. I finally have some peace. Now I need to recognize all the false beliefs that I accepted as defining me so that I can unravel that ugly ball of self-deprivation.
What I find the most difficult is remembering because I had built this image of her that wasn’t real. I buried most of the truly horrific experiences and when coupled with gaslighting it makes it all the more challenging. One of my mother’s favourite statements was “you have such a vivid imagination!” – in other words – my reality was not real because she determined my reality.
I realize it is now my responsibility as an adult to pull out the ugly weeds I no longer wish to define me and plant the new seeds that I wish to define my sense of self moving forward.
It still really, really hurts.
Thank you Elisabeth for creating a safe space to explore our experiences and know that we are not alone.
Thank you Wendy! We are not alone! Shifting our stories is the hardest work there is. I have no doubt. But I do believe it is the most impactful thing we can do.
Yes, this!! All of this. Not seen my mother or family for 9 years but this pandemic is really messing with me. Trying to complete a PhD and still think I’m an idiot. She planted that. You are so right about them seeing confidence a mile off. It’s a struggle to keep going but I must. Sending peace to you and others in this journey.
Keep going and giving yourself rest when you need it. Sending you peace too!
I have a toxic mom AND a toxic grandma. Yesterday was a totally bizarre gaslighting day so I had enough and blocked the whole fam.
Being controlled and manipulated from a thousand miles away is ridiculous. She was bashing my husband’s wonderful step mother and I had it and let ‘er rip. My husband congratulated me, god given me the strength to keep them at bay.
I don’t tolerate that behavior from strangers, why them? Now I’m stuck with the monsters in my head screaming how horrible I am, etc. Can’t win either way.
That backlash (from the karma kid part) is normal after we stand up for ourselves. Write from this part. It helps to release the shame and fear when we give this part expression time. And good for you for standing up to them.
I have the worst, toxic, narcissistic, passive aggressive, gas lighting, mean, evil, sadistic, controlling, opinionated, bitch of a mother. Went no contact almost 2 years ago. Best thing I ever did… sorry I waited almost 50 years to officially cut the cord. Sad my kids never had a gramma and never will. She doesn’t know how to love. The hardest part is that I can’t get her out of my head. I will never let her back in my life. She is pure evil with nothing but bad intentions. She couldn’t even be nice to me when I was enduring chemo 2 years ago. I don’t think karma will ever happen. I just wish I would have cut the toxic cord years ago. I might have saved myself a lot of pain. My siblings still have a relationship with her. Makes family gatherings difficult. We no longer attend any if she is there. She was always meaner to me. She played us kids. She had her favorites. One day I hope to lose the anger I feel when I think of her. I never want to see or hear from her again. The pain she caused myself, my husband, and my children, is unacceptable. Karma doesn’t work like it should.
Karma doesn’t always look like we think. It is often something happening in the unconscious of the person who has done wrong and not addressed it. And from that respect, it works very well, but the results aren’t always clear to us. Do what you can to focus on you and heal yourself. The more we can turn inward in our journey, the better our lives will get.
What if the person who did wrong never believes she is wrong? I had to say I was sorry for things I didn’t even say or do in order for us to have the crappy relationship we had. She is never wrong. She will never apologize. She got great pleasure out of hurting myself, my husband, and my four children. And she did it without others knowing what she did. So we looked crazy. I vowed I would never be like her. And I’m not. I’m a good mother. She controlled every aspect of my life. My diet, my friends, my clothes, my looks, how I celebrated holidays. You name it she tried to control it. It was her way or the highway. I truly believe she has no idea what a bad mother, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, and friend, she was to so many people. She has more people that hate her then people who like her. But it is never her fault. She blames everyone else.
You’re right. The journey now is to heal. To move on. My kids understand it wasn’t them that made her not love them. She is broken. She is unfixable. But the damage she did to me over the years will take time to heal from. But, I will get there. I am getting there. I was blessed with a second chance at life. My new journey has begun and I am truly a happier person w/o her in my life.
Toxic parents are not going to acknowledge what they did or ask for forgiveness. If we wait for that to heal, we won’t. But the good news is we can heal without their acknowledgement.
I had to move my mother in with us in November two weeks before Thanksgiving because she lives alone two hours away suffered a fall with a blow to the back of the head and ensuing memory loss of names and numbers etc
Not to mention her church is rife with covid and she lives two hours away
I want to keep her safe
She is eighty seven
She angers easily
Her hobby is puzzles so we bought her three religiously themed puzzles
Instead of allowing her grandsons to enjoy putting puzzles together she insists on separating pieces by color and gets enraged when my older son doesn’t work on the pieces she arranged for him
He has completed more in one turn by himself than she has in three days jus by his own method
She can’t accept that we as a family enjoy putting it together without telling each other what to do
And so what if the four year old is mismatching pieces
It’s how we learn by experience but she gets angry and gets into an argument with my kids who are only trying to spend time with her doh g something otherwise enjoyable
Then after reprimanding All of us she claims she has a headache and goes to be at six o’clock
Micromanaging and doesn’t respect me or my boys aged four and seven but has a different demeanor around my husband or strangers
Grabbing and henpecking them over the slightest thing
Talking over me when I am trying to communicate with them about something important such as watch out hot oven
Handling their plates at meals even when they say hands off please as politely as they can
The words never and always are on the list every single day when addressing any concern
She is childish and yet the kids are handling it well
I can’t take her getting in my four year olds face wagging her finger and saying the first rule
Of God is respect your elders when she is disrespecting us constantly
Sorry for poor grammar and punctuation tech issues with cell
She claims to be religious and godly yet her actions are far from it
I at least apologize when I recognize an overstep with my own kids
But she never apologizes for anything
Moreover whenever we do something nice or gift her with something she frowns
And says I have forgotten how to smile
Really we bend over backward to make her comfortable but she acts like an asshole
I am constantly reminded why I moved out at seventeen to embark on my career and a life filed with positive people
Now she lives in my family home and it has been a challenge
My husband is a miracle
So empathetic and cheering me on with every counter I make or modification to switch to a positive message for our boys about how to handle anger
But it’s taking away from my daily flute practice and other activities that please or calm me
So much work that I should also be dedicating to my homeschool kids
Maybe the silver lining is an education for all of us on how to deal with all difficult people? Feeling hopeful
Thank you for sharing this with us Raven. It is no easy feat to live with a toxic parent. I am sorry she is causing you stress with her behavior.
I’m an Therapist, and RBT.
I had an ex girlfriend, whos mother was this straight up. My ex and I, were on our second time. At the time, I had no reason to question her mother, who was trying to destroy her, though me I came to find out. Saying things to me, to question her. It was told to me in a… you should probably know….” My ex had been used and abused her whole life, by both her parents. Trapped and messed with. She had “issues.” Now, I can see she is, misdiagnosed Autistic- and her meds were for a condition she never had- I wounder if this was not pushed too by her mother. To simply keep my ex in place. In the end, my ex ran out of state to her estranged father, and all the while her mother played games with her. Then went so far as to blame me, for saying things about my ex. Again, that control factor. she was totally misdirected in how to fix her life, and part of it was going off pills, at her father’s advice; and then I think she was ‘cut loose.” when he couldn’t not deal with her. All her mother had to do, was shut up, and let me love her daughter… wasn’t gonna happen, her mother was so jealous of how happy we were, despite being married.
Toxic Emershed Mother Syndrome. Malignant Toxic Mother. They are no longer used widely, as people are saying they are ‘mother bashing.” Well, most of this comes from mothers expecting to always be soothed by their kids, and expected it, and being deeply, deeply unable to process their own negative emotions; and they end up dumping it on to their own kids, their either are emotionally crushed, OR, become like their mothers… Sons and Daughters alike.
I am sorry you and your ex experienced this. It sounds like my mother and your ex’s mother are very similar.
Very insightful write-up! Kudos to the writer!
Author: https://parentingincovid.com/how-to-deal-with-toxic-parents-in-the-21st-century/
I can totally relate to the sabotage part. Sabotaging me has become a self-sabotage in my case – i have been trying many times through the years to escape from her control, oppression and parentification of me by trying to go abroad and live there – i was successful for 7 years and then, also because I bumped into someone who had exactly the same oppressive, domineering character, by escaping from that man I also gave in to maternal pressure to move back to my country. I have been depressed ever since. It’s like a double trap that there is no escape from. I have become just a hopeless shadow of myself, looking from the sideline how others live their life, the life by the sea that I could live too, and the life I once hoped to live. I don’t know how to go on. I feel deeply ashamed and also hopeless knowing that she would never be able to understand and admit what she did to me. She used me since childhood to get all her emotional needs met putting me an unbearable burden since childhood. Every single day I wake up wishing that i just pack my staff into the car and leave, for good, never looking back. Yet I am totally paralyzed and I am just going down.
I am so sorry Gabriella. Try to write from the parts who believe they are stuck and can’t leave, the parts of you that are futile. The more they can express, the more futility you can release. That will help with the paralysis. It is possible to get out from under this.