Toxic shame is one of the most detrimental epidemics in a world filled with childhood trauma. But it isn’t easy to see. It is often heavily defended by our dissociation, anger and futility. It is hidden under our defenses like anxiety, depression and addiction. Even when we are in touch with it, we aren’t aware of exactly what it is because we don’t know what it looks like. We just know that it feels awful and our first instinct is to run from it. It is more confusing because the mind works so hard to cover it up. We intellectually understand that child abuse is not the victim’s fault. We assume there is nothing to heal since we already know it wasn’t our fault. But we are missing the shame that lives in the unconscious beliefs. And unfortunately, those are the most powerful when it comes to our life’s manifestations. So let’s talk about what we might be holding under the surface of our conscious mind because we can’t heal it if we can’t see it.
You were not supposed to handle things like an adult when you were 8, 13 or 16. Abusers have a tendency to parentify us. They will ask us to do impossible, age-inappropriate tasks and shame us when we inevitably cannot. So we begin to see ourselves as not good enough, stupid or incompetent. In reality, we were never supposed to be able to do that task. Many parentified survivors feel paralyzed to take any risks or try anything new. We don’t think we have what it takes to succeed and we don’t want to be shamed if we fail. But when we can uncover this hidden traumatic shame, it can help us let go of these fears.
Your body did not betray you when it responded to sexual abuse. I will use some intense language here because I don’t like saying this lightly. We often hold shame about the way the body responded to sexual abuse. But in reality, it was not wrong. When the body experienced any kind of arousal during rape or sexual abuse, it is protecting us from damage. It is doing what it needs to do. It is not an indication that we are enjoying rape. Abusers will tell us this to shame us, but it is never true. If the body gets pregnant, that is also not a betrayal or our fault. The rapist is responsible for getting their victim pregnant. That’s it. There is no gray area here. If the body miscarries from the tremendous stress we are under or from physical abuse, this is also not the body’s fault. This is a natural response to traumatic stress and abuse. When we see these beliefs and stop blaming the body, our relationship with self shifts dramatically.
The behaviors you have picked up to keep yourself alive are not an indicator that something is wrong with you. We often find ourselves taking actions that we are not proud of. This could be in the form of addictions, isolating behaviors and abusive actions. While we can never excuse behaviors that hurt others, we must acknowledge that they were an understandable result of what we went through. If we are swimming in regret, we won’t heal. We need to take responsibility. But then we need to give ourselves some compassion and let ourselves heal. That is the only way to ensure the cycle stops with us.
You were not old enough to stop your abuse or the abuse of any other children around you. We often believe there was a time when we should have been able to stop it but didn’t. We blame ourselves because abuse happened to us or others. But the responsibility for the abuse lies with the adults. As children, we did not have the resources to stop what was happening. We need to take that responsibility off our young shoulders. It was not possible for us to stop anything.
If you did not stop abuse in your teens after spending an entire childhood dissociating from it, you were not the problem. If we didn’t stop abuse when we were older, it does not mean we liked it, wanted it or were too weak to stop it. It means we were primed for it. We were prepped for it. Our abusers knew exactly how to set up our defenses so we would immediately dissociate when we were older. We were taught that “no” was unacceptable and that there was no help available. We learned helplessness so we defaulted to the only thing left. We only had one option in childhood and that included the later years.
So how do we stop the shame that is holding us back in our adult lives? First, we have to see it. It helps to search for the beliefs I have listed above. It can also help to watch the mind chatter for signs of regret. If we are obsessing over past experiences, what we could have said, or actions we could have taken, there is shame beneath the surface driving our thoughts. If we feel angry and we are suddenly swimming in regret, we are using shame to hold ourselves back from our healing. When that happens, take the second step and write from the shame itself. Write from the self-loathing beliefs that spin beneath the surface and drive everything. As you honor your inner parts who feel shame and let them express, you will come to holistically understand the truth. You are not to blame for what has happened to you in any way. And you never were.
Wow, Elisabeth your post could not be synchronized better with some distressing memories that surfaced a day or two ago. I did realize shame was the theme of these memories. I made certain choices as a young naive adult that various kinds of abuse and neglect set me up for as a young adult. My self protective and self safety skills still need some active attention. I did find myself loathing certain choices I had made as well as loathing if not hating my underdeveloped clueless self as a young adult that left me feeling shameful and regretful. I used the information from the dark condemning memories as an opportunity to unburden my young adult self of the consequences of my actions and it felt empowering to accept responsibility for my choices while at the same time comforting to begin to offer understanding and compassion to my confused bewildered and shamed young adult self. I think in this case resolving the feelings will be a gradual process as I learn over time to more fully offer myself acceptance and compassion and deeper understanding. Thank you for validating my experience through your writing and for providing a forum for me to write down my thoughts.
That is some incredibly powerful work! I am so glad you could do that for yourself and your healing!
Thank you so much Elisabeth for your encouraging and validating comment. I am very grateful for and also for the ongoing healing work you do and share on your website, Beating Trauma.
Thank you for this post. It was excellent and helpful. The part that really spoke to me was the section on “You were not old enough to stop your abuse or the abuse of any other children around you.” thank you.
I am so glad it was helpful!
Well. It’s that time of the month and it seems like every time that happens, my anxieties go into high gear. I’m here with my narcissistic mom, im the”responsible parent daughter”who takes care of all business. So even when I’m not feeling up to par, she makes it a point to acknowledge that I’m being inadequate. Suspicious questions, making me feel like im weird because I don’t run to her every request or command. She’s walks out of her room and hovers over where me and my wife are sitting and talks and demands attention. I had a good cry yesterday im sure it’s because of the PMS as well. But I really needed to let out emotions. I was so anxious I had the shakes. You know that’s enough to add to it and freak anyone out. My wife embraced me yesterday and listened to me. This helped. My mother, I see her as that judge, with her pointing finger. The other day I sat at the edge of the bed and imagined life without her. It scared me and at the same time it didn’t. Im sure guilt will follow if she leaves this world before I do . My therapist said that’s normal. My therapist also told me if there was a rating from 1to10 10 being the best for daughter’s who do for their mom’s I would be at 100. That’s how much I’ve dedicated my life to this lady. This is my safe place to share this. I can always feel God disappointed in me for talking this way about my mom. I used to have mom in God’s place as a child. I’ve only recently began to distinguish the two. I have an overwhelming sadness in me today. And I’m writing from it right now hoping to reach this karma kid who holds me in contempt. I never thought as a child that life would turn out like this. I won’t give up but some days, and I’m sure im not alone in this, some days are just harder than others. I don’t want to live life afraid anymore. And having this reinforcing presence of childhood trauma living with me does not make it any easier for me. I imagine a better life and that makes me feel good. A life where im not responsible for her anymore. I’ve always been intertwined in her every need, and that turns my stomach. God forgive me but I’m being honest and I’m sure He knows. I know I’m all over the place today. But I have to say these things, I have to write from where I’m feeling because it’s healing for me. If I fester and isolate my feelings, they implode and nothing is accomplished. How much harder it is to live with the narcissistic mom who instilled this mentality in me as a child. Who got her way with guilting everyone. Who manipulated any and every thing that came her way with the me mentality. Do for me and when I run you to the ground and your bones are tired, she will whine because I have no energy left and she hits the panic button for me, her only concern for me is what is going to happen to her if something happens to me. This is what I live with daily. She just had a birthday 82. Im 52. My wife is here with me AND she understands my anxieties AND can also relate. The world according to mom judge, jury.
I want peace,I want happiness.i want to walk out of my bedroom not being criticized. I want that pressure gone.i want that shame that sits on my shoulders to go away. I want to love me for me.i want a mom I can go to as a daughter and be cradled. THANKS Elizabeth.
I am so glad you are writing from this place. I know there is guilt, but you are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel and express that. Honestly, you can’t become your most authentic self without this expression. So keep letting yourself be real. She doesn’t get to stop that anymore.
Such simple statements but very powerful for anybody carrying this from childhood
Thank you Jane!