I’ve been working with some intense battles in my system lately. I have a tendency to focus on my defenders when I am feeling blocked and I often discuss them in my writing. To be fair, the defender fears of recovery and change are not the only inner obstacles we face as we bring our lives to the next level. Our freedom fighters are usually fans of recovery. But there are times when their years of seeking freedom fuel an intense futility stopping us in our tracks. One of the primary freedom fighters is the isolator. In many instances, they are the first freedom fighter we meet. Their goal is authenticity through isolation.
The problem is that the isolator is not short on evidence to support their perspective. When we have suffered through complex trauma, we likley experienced betrayals and manipulation from the majority of people in our childhood. And that would have continued into adulthood with patterns stemming from our unhealed relational trauma. All relationships would have been questioned and all behaviors would have been searched for signs of control. And if someone was too nice, truthful or authentic, they would have been rejected as “not real”. The isolator can keep us distant, inconsistent and aloof in relationships. And as you might imagine, this doesn’t help us form the kinds of relationships that are healing.
The isolator’s tactics are not all bad. They are good at countering the distractions created by the controller and love seeker during recovery. They will put barriers up against the people who keep us triggered and spinning and distracted from our inner world. I often refer to the isolator as the “path clearer” because of this tendency. And they will push you to cut ties with toxic people despite the resistance from the controller, love seeker and karma kid. All these actions will facilitate recovery. And that is a good thing.
But lately, I have been noticing that my isolator is holding me back a bit. They have done a great job of removing the people who needed removing. And they have kept my loneliness at bay during some of my hardest moments in recovery. But they have some detrimental beliefs that will keep me from finding the next level of my purposeful work and the social life I would like to have. So I am going to break down a few beliefs that can stop us in our tracks when the isolator steps forward.
I will lose myself in that person. This is one of the biggest fears of the isolator. It is one of their primary motivators into action. They wholeheartedly believe that we cannot keep the love seeker at bay in relationship. To be honest, they may be right. Until we begin to shift our love addicted parts who will erase self in relationship, the isolator will always be on standby. And that may be best. The love-addicted parts will overlook red flags of abusive behaviors which look similar to childhood relationships. They will potentially put us in danger in the process. The isolator can come in and protect us from abuse. But they can also act when the relationship is not abusive, leaving us isolated from everyone.
That person only wants to control me. I need to avoid them. The isolator truly believes that control is at the foundation of most relationships. Who can blame them? It is most of what they have witnessed. They will look for hints that another person is controlling us. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes they are over-reacting to a statement that might be triggering. Either way, when they believe someone is not good for us, it is difficult to convince them of anything else. This belief can be problematic in therapeutic or boss relationships where suggestions are common and there is an unavoidable power dynamic. So we have to watch and ground when we feel controlled and are moving toward cutting someone off.
Nobody can be trusted. Let’s face it. The overall perspective of the isolator is that nobody can be trusted. They start every relationship already believing that something will go wrong. Unfortunately, this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy because the desperate love seeker loses self while trying to prove the isolator wrong. And this ultimately makes the isolator necessary. As you can imagine, this further entrenches the isolator in their beliefs and makes the next relational experience even more likely to fail. Eventually, we isolate in extreme ways to avoid any more damage.
It is possible to come out of these patterns by recognizing these parts at work and expressing from them. As the unconscious thoughts of these parts are moved to the conscious mind, we can start looking for evidence that our patterns aren’t always true. I call this the “trust re-wire”. As we find small bits of evidence that go against our isolator’s impression of the world, we can allow ourselves to set boundaries instead of putting up walls. As we consider other possibilities, we can allow more relationships which will decrease our desperation and our need for self-erasure. As we prove to our isolator that we will no longer lose our power in relationships, we will see the wall start to come down and life will change for the better. There is no shortcut to a more grounded isolator, but if you put in the work, you will find peace in the most challenging area of post-traumatic life: relationships.
Thank you for this most insightful article.The content addresses a rather confusing group experience I had recently. Wherein, I found it difficult to interpret one of the persons’ in the group motivations in addressing me individually in the context of the group. A part of me felt fearful and put on the spot and obligated to respond to a rather convoluted series of comments including questions. I did my best to respond so that the whole group could observe my approach to being singled out. A part of me thought and felt like the person putting me on the spot (as perceived by me) had a personal agenda that was was promoted by engaging me in a way which departed somewhat from what I had experienced previously with these people. Another part wanted to give this person the benefit of the doubt. I continue to be conflicted and aware of continuing feeling unsafe with this person, not knowing clearly what the motivations were. I found the statement in the article, “We can allow ourselves to set boundaries instead of putting up walls,” to be powerfully liberating. Even before reading this article today I wondered when I reflected upon the above scenario how I might reconfigure my response so as to establish a new approach rather than distancing or choosing to isolate in order to protect myself from further pain and confusion. Perhaps I need to acknowledge that there are red flags that need to be paid attention to while I also think about what boundary/boundaries would be effective in protecting myself from unsolicited interactions that may be uncomfortable. I realized that I did have the choice to decline answering directly by suggesting perhaps we could carry on the conversation by social media between us rather than use the time of others in the present for whom the subject might not be relevant to the immediate direction of the group at that time. The acknowledged group leader did ask me if I wished to respond, I could have chosen to say I did not wish to do so at the present time. So I understand there were maybe more suitable options available that I may opt for should something like that occur in the future. “Boundaries not walls,” is a keeper though in terms of finding alternatives to falling into old patterns that may not serve us as well as experimenting with new one’s that may be more relational and life sustaining.
Thank you for this example. I am so glad that phrase resonated with you. It is hard to put these things into practice, but your reflection of the situation shows you are evaluating all the options. Sometimes we can act in the moment. And sometimes we reflect and determine future actions.
Conundrum 2 here 2nd installment. This quote from your article on dissociation helps me understand Conundrum 1.
“Dissociation is not just a survival mechanism. It is a powerful way that people can control others, especially children. If someone tells your conscious mind to do something, you have a choice. You might say yes or you might say no. But if someone traumatizes you enough to dissociate you and they tell you to do something, you don’t have much of a choice. You now have an unconscious inner part who is programmed to do what they want.” In the scenario I posted above I was triggered by the perception real or not of being put on the spot by the need a group member had for group conversational interaction which it felt was being imposed imposed upon me. The trigger went back to an incident where by I was attacked with words in a group therapy kind of setting by all of the members present. Words I received as judgmental and critical. An experienced that I had flashbacks from for weeks if not months it seems. Since I was being triggered in the moment and emotionally flashing back to the original threat I did not have my self protective options available to me because I was doing my best to manage intense fear and threat. I was vulnerable to the person who made such a strong case verbally for the preference of intentional interaction with me in this group based on the previous trauma it seems. It seemed as though the whole interaction was civil on the outset but I sensed some undercurrents and a personal agenda that I was being selected for it seems. So there were covert undertones I thought in hind sight were operating possibly. Again my perceptions may be off base or hold both some accuracy and some mis-perceptions. I suppose being human there are times when we just don’t know for sure the motivations of another which may both be conscious and unconscious. Again a conundrum.
It is so hard to know motivations especially when motivations from others were never good in the past. It can lead us to always assume the worst. It is really hard to separate the past from the present.
Like most, I experience isolation as a consequence of my own failure to attract others. A passive state imposed externally. I love how you’ve flipped “isolated” to “isolator” which feels so right to me, so much closer to my truth as I’m actually far from isolated. Any active state of being is empowering and I’m grateful for this chance to move my walls even if it’s just a wee bit, even if it’s momentary. Breath!
“Set boundaries instead of putting up walls” I love that 🙂
It is hard to learn when we never had the privilege of boundaries as children.
My isolator is the strongest, it has been THE way to survive. And this weird year has made it easy for my isolator to gain complete control. It’s a hard fight to gain back my own control now that we are easing out of covid (here in Europe)…
I have had the same experiences with my isolator during Covid. While my isolator is still justified in the U.S., it will be quite challenging to get back out there. Small steps.