I’m tired today.  I don’t know if it’s lack-of-sleep tired or soul-is-sick-of-everything tired or dissociated tired.  Honestly, it would be easy to figure out if it is the latter.  All I would have to do is ground, but my controller doesn’t want to.  So that’s probably my answer.  I guess I am dissociated tired.  But that doesn’t rule out the first two.  My system is battling.  Sometimes the battles aren’t too hard to figure out.  I have learned a lot over the years.  But sometimes they are complicated.  Sometimes there are contracts that are mutually exclusive and yet, I hold them simultaneously.  How can a system survive that way?  There is constant chaos in that situation.  And chaos is exhausting.  So I’m tired.

Today I will process in my blog because figuring new things out feels hard at the moment.  To be honest,  I am always processing in my blog.  But today, it might be a bit more raw, more obvious, more unedited.  My hope is that you might be able to relate to some of it.  But my hope is also that you won’t be able to relate to any of it.  Why?  It’s hard.  It’s hard to deal with the battle of the contracts.  But you probably will relate.  So here goes.

Karma Kid.  I can’t.  I can’t break free.  There is no freedom for me.  They told me that.  They told me there was no hope.  They told me I would never ever escape.  They said they would come after me.  They said they would come after the ones I love.  They are out there right now.  They are following me.  They are watching me.  And the minute I decide to be free, they will come and get me.  They know everything.  And I am not free.  I cannot be free.  I want to be free, but that is not my life.  That is not what this life has for me.  That is for other people.  Other people get to have special lives and freedom and love and friends and abundance.  But that’s not my life.  I can’t have that.  And I can never be free from this contract.  I don’t have that luxury.  I just need to get through this life and forget about any hope I might be considering.  That’s not real.  That is not for me.

Inner Rebel.  Are you fucking serious with this shit?  I am tired of spending my days worrying about these losers from my past.  I don’t have any more time to give to these people.  I don’t have one more damn second or ounce of energy to expend on these losers.  What the hell are we doing here?  Why am I still talking about this?  Why am I still stuck in this messed-up world that is my past?  Leave these losers alone and let them live their miserable fucking lives.  I don’t give a shit about any of them.  I don’t owe them a thing.  They owe me for all these wasted years.  They owe me for all the time I sat around waiting for them to do the right thing so I could be free.  I am tired of this discussion.  I am moving on.  I am done.  I am going to do what I want and I don’t care about them or anyone else.  I won’t be held back for one more day.

Controller.  I think it is so important that I give this some thought.  I can’t just run around willy-nilly and do whatever I want.  I need a plan.  I need to cover my bases.  I can’t just do whatever I want.  The world doesn’t work like that.  I am burning every bridge I have ever had.  What if these people come through?  What if they finally do the right thing?  If I burn these bridges now, I’ll never know.  And walking away from these contracts is a huge risk.  They could come after me.  They could do damage to my life and reputation.  They could discredit me.  They could lie to others and ruin everything I have built.  Nobody will accept me after that happens.  And I can’t build a life if everyone hates me.  I have to be more careful.  I have to watch myself and make sure this doesn’t end in disaster.  These people promised they would take me down and I can’t ignore that.

Mean Kid.  Shut the fuck up controller!  I am tired of your shit!  I am tired of being suppressed by all the overwhelming caution about every damn thing.  Good grief.  At this rate, I am going to be sitting around until I die.  But that’s the plan, isn’t it?  Well, I am done letting them get away with their horrible actions.  They deserve the worst of the worst.  And the best revenge is living well.  And the best life is making change happen.  So screw all this caution crap!  Stop letting them win!  I am done with them winning the fight.  What is the price of letting that fear rule all the decisions?  It’s too big for me.  I am done.

Love Seeker.  They are finally going to do the right thing.  They are finally going to be here for me.  I just know it.  They will finally show how much they love me.  I just have to hold on a little longer.  I don’t want to let go yet.

Isolator.  I need to stay alone.  I need to stay isolated.  It is a bad idea to open myself up to new people and experiences because there will be more boundaries invaded, more abuse.  I want to break these contracts because the people from my past are horrible.  But if I open up to life, I know it will lead to more trouble from new people.  People just can’t be trusted.  That won’t ever change.