People pleasing is one of the most debilitating survival skills that comes from a traumatic childhood. You might be thinking this is an exaggeration. Wouldn’t addictions have a greater impact on our quality of life? But here’s where we get confused. There are many types of addictions. And our need to please others IS an addiction. It could be called an approval addiction or a love addiction, but it feels desperate and life threatening to step away from. The courage it takes to stop people pleasing is definitely as significant as what it takes to stop drinking or taking drugs. And that is why we have to approach it like the addiction it is. We have to take it seriously. And we need to be motivated, the kind of motivation one who have if failing was no longer an option.
I am not suggesting we have to tackle people pleasing with one huge all-or-nothing swoop of massive action. That is what I call swinging the pendulum to the other extreme. It will usually manifest as extreme isolation. And the misery will stay. The only way to work with a people pleasing tendency is by taking small steps toward balance between rigid isolation and boundaryless exhaustion. But no matter how small the step, it is going to feel like moving a mountain. So we have to do our best to make sense of it. Here are some steps we can take to understand our people pleasing in new and empowering ways.
We can bring awareness to our need for perfection. The controller within all of us will stand in the way of dropping this addiction to approval. This inner part operates from an all-or-nothing perspective. And they will stop you from making any progress by telling you it is not enough progress. But they are actually terrified of setting boundaries with others. They are deeply committed to approval and acceptance as a survival strategy. When you can bring awareness to how they operate, you can start to take steps out of people pleasing without having to get it perfect from the start.
We can see our patterns as a reflection of our trauma. It can be “easy” to get caught up in the hype that our life patterns are bad luck or a result of us not being a good enough person. We may even believe that karma is punishing us. But our relationship patterns in adulthood are reflecting the trauma that is unresolved. It can be hard to see this especially if we are struggling with denial and memory repression. These patterns often result from our relationship contracts held by the karma kid. But they are breakable. And the more we wake up to this, the more empowered we are to make changes.
We can recognize the resistance to setting boundaries as a traumatized inner part. When we consider setting boundaries for our own benefit, the inner response is often overwhelming. It can immediately cast doubt on our decision and leave us confused about the right way forward. But this intense resistance is coming from our inner parts. They are messages from the past. This is the brainwashing. That is not an exaggeration. This is brainwashing. And the more we can see these thoughts as confused and traumatized parts, the more we can allow them to express (in writing) and detach from the messages. Then we can take the most grounded step forward.
We can start failing the tests. When we meet up with people who LOVE our people pleasing tendencies, they will latch on. They may even start to love-bomb us with tons of affection to connect with our love seeker. But they will also start to test our boundaries. They will want to see how much invasion we can take. These early stages of our relationships are the most important times to stay aware of how we are being tested. We need to watch how our love seeker will explain away these invasions. We need to watch how we allow our boundaries to be invaded. We need to stop passing their tests. That means they will probably lose interest and that terrifies the love seeker. But these are the tests we want to fail. These are the moments of rejection that will define our lives for the better. So start failing these tests.
People pleasing is one of the hardest habits to break. But you can build your awareness of what is driving it and stop these patterns, one step at a time. You do not have to live with the constant exhaustion of a moving finish line. You do not have to be consumed with the approval of everyone around you. You can let go and free yourself from the pain of being trapped in a people pleasing pattern. You can bring your attention to yourself and your happiness. You are worthy of freedom. You deserve a life free of your past.
Join us in November as we explore people pleasing in Survivor’s Guide for Life.
I really have a problem in this area because sometimes people seem to think I am for walking on! I think if my self confidence was stronger, I would be better with this one. I must need to speak more assertively because last night when I was speaking to a women on phone about their company getting some large furniture donations; she said to call her back when I was sure. I spoke up and said, “What is it that I’m not sure about?” Then she listened to what I said. Later I emailed a list of what I was wanting her to take. I never was a bit unsure, but I must have come across that way. Now we have a date set for her to come with the truck and the men who haul things. How in the world was I speaking to cause her to react that way? I don’t know. It baffles me. I don’t want to go too far in the other direction because then act angry, but I need to know how to improve in that area.
We really can sound unsure when we are sure. We have been struggling to believe ourselves since childhood and it can show up in this way. I understand not wanting to sound angry. But you probably don’t sound angry and just aren’t used to sounding assertive. Assertiveness can sound so weird to us.
PS I adding another comment because I have found that – yes – this happens when people love bomb you and you think they want to be your friend. That can fool people pleasers and has fooled me in the past. However, others that aren’t even trying to be friends, such as a real estate lady I had the misfortune to do business with, was so aggressive and obnoxious that she pried into areas that she had nothing to do with. I acted like a deer in headlights when that happened. Then that lets the obnoxious person get away with whatever. My own real estate lady said she didn’t see the behavior or comments – but she was right there.
Absolutely. People pleasers can be controlled with this kind of behavior.
My brother is dying. The 6th family member to die of alcohol and drug abuse. My narcissistic mother always puts me in the fore front as the responsible one to cater to her needs and the dying family members’ needs regardless of how it affects me mentally, emotionally exhausted, traumatized from witnessing on the sidelines, once again watching another family member die slowly of drug and alcohol abuse and my mom making me the rescuer, the day saver. Fuck that! Not this time! Fuck you, fuck your guilt tactics, your ridiculing, your fucking blaming bullshit narcissistic, gaslighting, scapegoating lies. Throwing all your shit off on me mentality. Not doing it this time. I’m fucking angry and if you, my narcissistic mother who grooms my karma kid with your guilt tactics, needs to feed your dysfunctionality with side approvals of other family members by gossiping and minimizing me to them, then fuck them too. I’m not going to allow you to overstep or minimize or ridicule my boundaries anymore. Look in the fucking mirror and see dysfunctionality at its finest. Face your own fucking reality and quit living your life through me. Quit sucking the fucking life out of me to energize your own fucking bad ass habits.
Thank you Elizabeth
I wonder if my karma kid might be involved here? Until very recently my life has been dominated by people pleasing. But the reason has always been that if I don’t ‘please’ by always doing or saying what I believe the other person wants, the repercussions towards me would be life threatening. (At least this is what a part of me firmly believes) I am still working on this.
That makes sense Olive! It could absolutely be a contract.
Often I feel like the opposite of a people-pleaser, telling people exactly what they don’t want to hear. What is wrong with me? I mean, there has to be a middle ground somewhere where there is honesty yet there is empathy and tact. I just can’t seem to find it.
That pendulum may have swung a bit to the isolator. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It means you have chosen that survival skill.