If there is one thing I have learned about recovery, I have confirmed it is the loneliest experience one can have in adult life. If you disagree, that’s fine. This is quite the subjective statement. But I’m sticking to it. And I have my reasons for believing it. Over the years of working on my own healing and helping others to heal, it has become painfully obvious that loneliness is our constant companion. Part of the reason is our own struggle with trusting other humans. I don’t say this to victim-blame. Of course, we don’t trust other humans. When the hell have we ever been given a reason to trust anyone? Vulnerability only came with horrible consequences. And when we continually meet people who do and say the same things as our abusers, we can’t find any safe relationships to break our cycles. So we end up isolated in recovery until we can release enough of our trauma to end our relationship patterns. When we combine that real isolation with the emotional flashbacks of being lonely in childhood, it quickly becomes the loneliest experience.
It isn’t fair. Those of us who are willing to take on this journey deserve support. And it seems impossible to find. Not surprisingly, many of us turn to the animal kingdom. I am no exception. I grew up with cats. They got me through the darkest of times. I didn’t have cats consistently, but there were two cats around for enough of my childhood years that I found support with them. I never got to see a cat to a natural end of life in childhood. There was a horrible raccoon fight and a move to England that shortened my time with them. But in adulthood, I have had the privilege of living with two more cats for 15 and 14 years. Cats have been there for me.
But I was never a dog person. In childhood, we had one dog for a very short time before my mother gave up on him. He was highly energetic and she didn’t want to deal with that. Of course, she blamed me for not taking care of him. I was 11. It was just another example of how everything was my fault. So when I met my husband, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of having a dog. But he wanted a dog. I decided to find him one that I could tolerate. It would have to be a small dog. We settled on a Yorkshire terrier. He wasn’t one of those tea-cup things you see in celebrity purses. He was a normal size yorkie weighing in at 12-13 pounds fully grown. When I picked him up from the breeder, I didn’t have a name for him. We brainstormed for three days before my creative husband said the perfect name. We lived in a neighborhood called Church Hill. It is my favorite place in the world. And when my husband said “Winston”, I knew that was the right name with a little adjustment. Our pup became Sir Winston of Church Hill in that moment. And he lived up to the name.
It wasn’t long before my husband let me know that the dog was mine. The dog had completely attached to me. He would not leave my side. But I didn’t want a dog. I knew nothing about dogs. I didn’t know how to train a dog. (He was never really trained.) But I had a dog. And that was that. Winston was stubborn. He never took no for an answer. In a way, he was there to trigger me. But he was there for so much more. Less than two years later, the twins were born. I was scared about how he would accept them. Would he include them in his circle of protection? It isn’t always a sure thing with little dogs. But he did. He loved them just as unconditionally as he loved me. He definitely loved them more unconditionally than I did at first. And he was MUCH more accepting of them than the cats who stayed as far away as possible until the twins were about 8 years old.
But the twins brought something with them. They brought an opening of all my suppressed trauma. They brought panic attacks. They brought flashbacks. And as I healed, they brought a mass exodus of everyone who was a danger to them and me. That was a lot of people. As a matter of a fact, that was practically everyone. The twins were there. Where else would they go? (My parts used to tell me they would leave if they could.) I had a couple limited friendships. The cats were hiding or outside. And there was Winston, wagging his tail, looking at me with those eyes, telling me I wasn’t completely alone. He tried to stay low maintenance with the single mother who had no support, but he had some health problems. And he was there on all those very dark days as I processed the horrible things that happened to me. And as I recovered memories, I realized there had been a dog just like him (literally the same type of dog) who had been a part of a pivotal abandonment trauma in my childhood. I adopted this dog to resolve my trauma without even knowing it.
But Winston knew it. He knew exactly why he was here all along. He was the one who would bring me through the worst of my adult years. He would bring me through the loneliest time. He would get me past the suicide risk and the lack of support from the human world. He would make this time bearable and help give me the strength to raise my kids. And he did his job well. He did his job until two days ago when he finally succumbed to kidney disease. (That’s not true. He would have held on forever. I had to make the hardest decision of my life because he was too stubborn to go.) I won’t be getting another dog. The universe orchestrated this dog and I appreciate it. But I’m still not a dog-person. I’m a Winston-person. To be honest, he was like a cat-dog with his attitude and untrainable nature. Winston will always be mine. But my dog season is finished. He came. He did his job. He went. And I am grateful and heartbroken. I had the only support I would have accepted. And he did it perfectly.
Good boy, Winston.
This is beautiful Elisabeth 🌷
Thank you Olive!
My loneliness is soooooo intense. I get it.
Sorry about your Winston.
Losing beloved pets is so hard. 😪😪
Thank you Theresa! Love to you!
Hi Elisabeth, I always read your posts have never commented. I’m so grateful for your willingness to share. I relate! Animals have been my almost constant companions. They were definitely on a very short list of beings I’ve been able to trust. Not long ago, I had to say goodbye to 2 of them. It was an incredibly painful time. And it triggered sooo much. But, it also taught me a lot.
I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace & comfort ❤ I’m glad you had Winston to share all those myriad experiences with. What a gift!!
Thank you so much Bridget! I am grateful for your comment and for you reading my posts. I am glad you have found solace in animals too. It is so hard to lose them.
I LOVE your deep understanding and acceptance of Winstons purpose. I’m a firm believer in this as well, must be why I have 4 cats, lol, there would be a dog if I had a yard.
Just saying… the universe may choose to bring you another puppy at some point with the same reciprocal needs…
Love and warmth to you and yours! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Mary. We will see what happens.
Oh my gosh Elisabeth. I am crying right now, as my 14 year old Maltese terrier, my saviour, sits at my side. She has been my animal soul mate. She is so intuitive and knows just when I need her comfort. I dread the day I lose her. But you are right. When no human can understand, be there for you, sit with you, she just does.. she loves me unconditionally and completely. And I can love her back the same way. My Roxy knows all my secrets.
Thank you for sharing this story of Winston.
Thank you Michelle. Keep loving on that special pup. They are the little healers.
Charlie was my Winston. Sir Charles of Scottsdale, to be precise. He was with me 12 years, and looked just like the dog that my father shot and killed when I was 10, because he barked too much being chained up outside.
Over the years, God has shown me how loving and tender I am, when I have zero reason to be. Through Charlie, God showed me that I am His child, and that Charlie-love is superhuman, supernatural, and knows no boundaries…just like the love of Christ. I learned about acceptance, sacrifice and dedication because Charlie blessed me all those years, with his presence, and kisses.
Thank you for reminding me Elizabeth.
Thank you Mel. I am so glad you had Charlie in your life!
Elisabeth, thank you for your continuous healing balm on my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. So happy you experienced Winston. My friend has a Dottie, I was terrified of dogs til I met her, we absolutely love each other. She, Beau, erased all my fears of big dogs or any. I treasure your videos and posts and can’t wait to read your book. I thank God for you from the bottom of my heart. Big hug, XcGeri
Thank you so much Geri! I am so glad you experienced a beautiful dog like her.
I like dogs but I am more of a cat person. I have nine at this time. They know me better than anyone. I am fortunate that my husband is a cat person too. I was never allowed to have inside pets growing up. We had outside dogs but they usually met with a bad end.
Thank you Charlotte! I’m so glad you are loving those cats!
I am so sorry for your loss. I adopted a small dog (dachshund named Moneypenny), and the manipulator almost imploded with the shame he’d face with his parents for allowing me to adopt a “fake dog” into our lives….). She was the beginning of the end for him. As he actively hated her and heaped blame on her and had a short temper about him, I began to see. His dog, a Great Dane (draw your own conclusions…..)and Penny, stayed with me downstairs when I started to sleep on the couch rather than jump into the marital bed. My Penny never left my side; she burrows under the covers and flops over dead asleep like a furry hot water bottle……soooo comforting. I don’t know if he ever noticed that “his” dog preferred my company to his, or is he noticed that his mother (a small dog hater) would always nap and read with my dog in her lap snoozing away very ladylike……They are remarkable. I don’t know how I will feel when she passes….it will be ugly……but she has meant a LOT to me and to my support during these transitional times. I get it, Miss. They are family. I hope Buck, [my] great dane, is there to greet Winston as he crosses over.
Thank you Kate! It is amazing what they come here to teach us. It sounds like Penny came to open your eyes and did just that. I really do have a soft spot for the small dogs.
Hi Elizabeth, we haven’t connected in a while, I’m so sorry for your loss, I love dogs, would love to have but I don’t want to leave it home alone. My life can be so lonely at times, I really appreciate all of your true support and kindness, I’m praying for you as you go through this process. 🌹
Thank you so much Katrina!
You are doing me a world of good. I can’t thank you enough. I found you through the Janet Lansbury interview. Oh, our animals … hugs to you.
Thank you so much Eliana!
I am so sorry for your loss of Winston. I too had an attachment to two dogs and one cat in my life time and it was hard when they all passed. However I am not so sure that animals are a cure for the loneliness one encounters while recovering from trauma. Trauma is essentially a social wound: what I mean is that what is done to us by results in trauma.It is not something we do to ourselves.So while I do admire the article about connecting to animals as a way to soothe loneliness due to trauma I don’t think it’s a solution as much as a distraction. I mean you cannot argue with animals, and equally they will never hurt or reject you because for them you are their food source, and so loyalty lies in that, if for no other reason. My relationships with my cats and dogs in the past gave me great joy, but I would never replace or try to fill in my connection with another human with my connection with an animal,especially not when recovering from trauma. I am going through the loneliness of recovery from trauma and the lack of trust of allowing other people in, but it never occurred to me to get a cat or a dog to ease that pain, if anything I suspect it would deepen my loneliness because it would be a constant reminder that the only comfort in the world to me is an animal. But I guess most people going through the journey of trauma will need to take the edge off dealing with so much and most will turn to drink, drugs, cutting, over-eating, sex, gambling etc….so in that context a pet seems to be a very healthy option. I have been fortunate that I have not gone down the route of self destruction of addiction after many years of trauma, so all I am dealing with is the trauma and not the added burden of addiction, but it hard not being able to take the edge off so much. I am now looking at finding ways to make my life more joyous by actively finding ways of loving myself and giving back. And yet stuckness is the ghost that remains in my shadow that I just cannot shake off. That is the loneliest feeling in the world, and I doubt very much any animal (as much as I love them) could every begin to ease that for me.
I understand what you are saying. Pets are not a replacement for human connection. But I do think there are times when we must isolate in our recovery and in those times, pets can really get us through things. At least they did for me.