Apparently, I sent an unusual email to a client the other day. I was referring to a new understanding about an inner part and how they were impacted by my dad. The client wrote back and said, “There’s a word I don’t ever hear you say: ‘dad’.” I was a little surprised to hear that, but in general, I guess it’s true. I don’t talk about him much. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to give him the time of day. He doesn’t deserve my time or concern or any emotion at all. He has lost the privilege of my time. I replaced him as the fatherly role at a very young age. I put my faith in others (who unfortunately didn’t come through either). But they were better than him and at least I knew that.
There’s another part in there too. There is a part who fears him. He made sure that part was there. He stopped at nothing to ensure I would know he would always control me. He knew he lost my love and faith, but he was never going to lose his power over me. Or so he thought. These past two weeks, I have been thinking about all the strategies he used to gain power and control over me. And I have been gaining some new understandings of his strategies too. As his birthday approaches, I guess it only makes sense that I am letting go of his influence in deeper ways. So I wanted to share this list of how my father maintained control over me in my childhood.
He was sexually abusive. This is not shocking if you know my story. Of course he did. But his methods were psychopathic in nature. He raped with an intention of being in total control. He never tried to pretend that rape was about love. He never acted like this was meant to make us closer or that I was his favorite. Believe me, I experienced that with my stepfather and grandfather. I know it adds a level of confusion to recovery too. But with my father, it wasn’t like that. He was entitled to rape. He was entitled to my body. I belonged to him and there was no reason to attempt to make it look like anything else. No persuasion was necessary. He owned me. End of discussion.
He trafficked me. Trafficking is horrible in all cases. But when a parent traffics you, there is something even more diabolical about it. Any fantasies that the parent might be unusual go out the window. Apparently everyone agrees with them. If all these men were willing to pay my father to rape me then this planet is shit. There is nobody who is worth a damn. That is how my father wanted it. I had to be hopeless. I had to see no escape. I had to give up. And if I didn’t give up, he had to work harder to get me there.
He was physically abusive. This one might be a bit obvious too. But physical abuse isn’t just about physical injury. It isn’t just about scars and wounds that heal (like all those clichés say). It is a message. And that message says, “I will stop at nothing to control you.” And that include death. If death is the only way to silence you, it is not out of the question. Physically abusive people don’t just hurt you where others can’t see it (although they do). They hurt you where it is explainable to others. There were multiple facial and head injuries explained by “kids being kids”. Bike accidents, falling down stairs, falling off woodpiles, trampolines, you name it. According to my dad, I was an accident-prone kid. And in reality, I was. I was so dissociated, I had no coordination. So the story was an easy one. And I came out of childhood knowing he wouldn’t think twice when it came to taking me out.
He had control over others. He wanted to make sure there was no chance I believed that others would help me. And just in case others were considering helping me, he had to maintain control over them too. That control had to be obvious to me. This started with my mother and others in the family, but was not exclusive to them. If they ever dared to stand up to him, they were abused and controlled in front of me. They were intimidated. They were threatened. They were ostracized. It was clear they needed to step back into their place or things would go horribly wrong for them. And the message to me was clear. There is nobody who can help me, even if they wanted to.
He instilled paranoia. He not only wanted to control me, but he had to expand my perception of control beyond reality. He had to make me think he was powerful beyond the average human being, even magical. He had to make me think he could see things he couldn’t. He hired others to intimidate me, watch me, even hurt me. And he took credit for it. He even convinced me that his doctor friend had planted a tracking device in me so I could never escape him. He fueled my karma kid to keep me in line. This is what I call “the insurance policy”. He didn’t want me to get any ideas and start acting up and speaking out in adulthood. Even if I walked away from him, I could never walk away from his control.
And we all know how well this went for him. Clearly it didn’t work. And if anyone is reading this to gain new strategies for controlling others, please know this. This is not a guaranteed plan. Attempting to control another person is stupid. People are not that predictable. And in the end, you will lose. And you will have a bunch of really angry people on your hands (and no true allies). And you will be the one running scared. So find another way to deal with your pain or one day, someone may be writing a blog about how you tried and failed to control them. And you will be just like my dad.
“So find another way to deal with your pain or one day, someone may be writing a blog about how you tried and failed to control them. And you will be just like ‘Him.”
And You are just like You with a Strong Empowered Voice who could not be controlled, who rise up and Blog because people like him could never truly control people like Us. 🙏🏻
Thank you Anita! They won’t control us!
You are an incredibly strong person. Not every victim can walk away and recover as you did. Congratulations and thank you for keeping us trauma informed.
Thank you Georgia!
I had no doubt that my mother would kill me if I fought back or tried to run away. I have tried to explain to others, such as my husband, the terror that she instilled in me but they don’t get it. I have had lots of therapy around this but it still infuriates me when my husband says that I LET her control me.
That would infuriate me too! That’s a horrible thing to say. No child “lets” their parents control them.
Charlotte,
Do you mean “Let her” in the past or present? Either way I do understand the pain she causes & the pain others are causing. It is a lack of validation. Sometimes I feel the thing that means the most to me is just to have someone listen and acknowledge how the abuse has made and impact on my life. When we do not get that from those that we think love us we feel wounded allover again. They may not mean it but we do not have the skills to educate them I guess. I hear you & I am sorry.
Ouch! Charlotte’s quote of what her husband said hit an emotional cord!
As adults, we NOW have a choice but unfortunately, many of us did not have that choice as children!
As children, our parents are meant to meet our developmental needs as we grow. We are helpless and dependent for survival and require our needs to be met before we can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental milestone – otherwise, we become STUCK! Stuck where our needs were not met. Even though we age and become adults, we remain stuck at the developmental milestone where there is unfinished business.
Children require having their needs met and they do not LET anyone control them – for survival, children ADAPT their behavior in order to be accepted/loved. It is a parent’s responsibility to meet the child’s needs. However, if the parents themselves are ‘grown children’ then they are incapable of meeting the needs of their child. The parents resort to childish behavior/response to pain in an effort to meet their own unmet needs from childhood and they ‘control’ their child which….as we all know leads to emotional wounds that require healing in adulthood. Not the child’s fault – as wounded adults we are required to work on the wounds that were created in our childhood in order not to pass those wounds on from generation to generation.
Children are innocent. Adults have choice.
You are so right Wendy!
Elisabeth,
You are so right we do need to understand how our abuser worked his evil ways. Reading your blog opened my eyes to events in my life that I thought were just my father being mean. But it was so much more it was calculated control tactics! As a child I lived in fear. With him dead I still live in fear. I had a therapist tell me that was ridiculous, I told her then obviously you have never met EVIL! That was our last conversation. I am working hard now learning how to recognize that I am powerful and I am a survivor.
Oh definitely! Just because they are dead doesn’t make the fear go away. They have often used calculated tactics to control our unconscious parts long after they are dead.
I have gained so much insight on my trauma since I started reading your info. I hate hate hate this happened to you. I understand all those things in your list. I get scared but my dad will not control me anymore. Good luck to you.
Thank you Melissa! Good luck to you too. They do not control us anymore.