I heard another song on the radio today about a break-up. It was also about alcohol. It focused on alcohol being the only hope for coping with the break-up. I can’t count the number of songs about alcohol fixing the broken heart. It is everywhere. Alcohol is glorified as the proper numbing solution for those pesky emotions. It is normalized as a way to get through almost anything: a break-up, a bad day at work, motherhood. We only talk negatively about alcohol when it gets in the way of our manic functioning, our other major numbing tool. Only then is it a problem. Only then do we judge people for their alcohol use because we consider them too weak. There are only societal rewards for those who are able to properly numb out their emotions without letting their crazy daily schedule falter. Everyone else gets the stigma.
Alcohol or no alcohol, our society considers emotional numbing to be a strength. That is the truth. The less we feel, the more normal we are. And it is a massive problem. Running from our emotions causes most of what is wrong with the world today. All addictions are caused by emotional suppression. Most physical illnesses are caused by emotional suppression. Wars, hatred and the general drive for power over others are caused by emotional suppression. The huge discrepancy in lifestyle between the rich and the poor is caused by emotional suppression. The destruction of our planet is caused by emotional suppression. You get the idea. So why can’t we see this? Why can’t we wake up to something that sounds so simple? There’s an easy answer. We are terrified.
We are terrified of the emotions we hold. We are afraid they will kill us. We are afraid we will not be able to handle them in our body. We are afraid these emotions will bring unmanageable change. We are afraid of our vulnerability and what that might make us susceptible to. We are afraid. We learned to be afraid in childhood. Our defenders took on the brainwashing held by the rest of society. What started as a tiny human who was ready to flow with their emotions and body sensations became a rigid, “zombiefied”, floating head. The idea of going back where we came from, of sorting through all that unfelt muck feels like a death sentence. In other words, our defenders have traded our fear of death for a figurative death of not living life and a literal early death from the toll this takes on our bodies.
I know I am being blunt, but I believe it is the only way to get through. Our defenses are walls. They block the messages we need to hear from our internal worlds and our external worlds. So I will get a bit loud and blunt because without emotional expression, we will not heal. We will not heal our inner worlds. And we will not heal our external worlds. It just won’t happen. We can run. We can drink all the alcohol and take all the drugs. We can rise to the top of companies and organizations. We can buy the biggest houses. We can travel the entire world. And we will not heal. Life will not get better for us. We will not find peace. And I don’t want you to go through that kind of fruitless searching. So I will be blunt.
In my experience with healing myself and working with clients, the most difficult emotion for people to reach is grief. I am not referring to crying. Some survivors may find it easy to cry. They might even cry all day. But grieving is different. It is a deep letting go of what we cannot change. It often dances with anger. The more anger we express, the more access we have to grief. And the more grief we express, the more we ground into the anger we need to change our lives. You can’t have one without the other. But it is hard to reach. Our defenses go out of their way to shut it down and numb it out. And until we build awareness of these defenses and how they work, we won’t get past them.
But in my own recovery, it is the grief that has been life changing. And contrary to the defenders’ expectations, it has all been good. We have to let go of what we are holding on to so we must grieve it. We must grieve the lack of unconditional love. We must grieve the lost time we have spent looking for another way to fix the pain. We must grieve those who have come and gone from our lives as we have tried to get our needs met. We must grieve our missing selves as they have lied dormant waiting for us to come back. We must grieve the lost opportunities we could not see because we were not awake to see them. And we must grieve the actual deaths of people and pets, the deaths we could not grieve because we believed it would have opened up a tidal wave of grief we could not handle. We have to let ourselves wail and sob and heave in pain. We must not listen to the defenders who say this lead to annihilation. We must jump into this grief. We owe it to ourselves to do this. It is the ultimate self-care. In doing this, our lives will shift and change in amazing ways. It will seem almost magical although we will know it isn’t. People will ask what changed and we can answer them with one powerful phrase.
I let go.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for another brilliant, timely article about grief! I practice validating myself as I feel the hurt, anger, and sorrow from my childhood, and this article offers more support and validation to continue. So grateful!
I am so glad it helped you Lily!!
So True Elisabeth. It took me a long time to realise the importance of allowing myself grieve. Another spot on article.
Wow!
That is a powerful message and is exactly what I am working with now and what parts of me needed to hear.
With deepest gratitude for what you bring to my world and my healing.
Thank you so much Lyn!
Wow… does this hit home… again.
My wife who left me came back… again and I allowed it. I love her and my codependency and the fact that I’m terrified to be alone and yes I’m terrified of the grieving process.
We are seeing a marriage counselor. She asked me my family history…I said several family deaths in between the year 2003 to 2011… two sisters, one brother, my dad and my nephew… illnesses due to all drugs and alcohol. I guess I was the only one who didn’t pick up the addictive gene…I don’t know but nonetheless because of all the deaths, I hate alcohol and despise drugs.
I’m the youngest of seven…
So here is what the counselor said… she said I probably don’t want to experience another loss so I compromise my dignity, my integrity in the relationship by allowing the back and forth of my wife leaving me. She’s right. In between all of the family deaths, I have lost several pets, loss has been my life since 2003. And before then, it was dysfunctional city on the homefront, violence, hiding in the closets to avoid the chair throwing and try to block out the screams.
I cry almost every day, my anxiety is generalized on a daily and fear grips at my heart.
I have been working on conquering this fear, facing my demons, so to speak. Honestly, I’m tired of living in fear. I want to wake up happy. I want to conquer this pain. And I know I can only conquer if I go through the emotions.
When the counselor asked me if I have grieved my relationship…I said no. That was an eye opener for me. Thanks Elizabeth
That really does make sense. When we live in fear, we will make all our decisions from that fear. And in trying to avoid our original traumas, they usually manifest. I am glad you are getting this help from this counselor. I hope this will bring more clarity to these patterns for you.
Thank you Elizabeth!
I could probably grieve a bit everyday because as I write from my triggers or the topics you (Elisabeth) provide, I will feel down (often, not always) for an hour or so afterward. It’s less and less of an overwhelming and unsourced depression. I’m actually starting to feel some release and relief from the seemingly never ending depression.
Overall I have started feeling lighter. Others have noticed the change over the last year.
I love to hear that Jennifer. You are going so much amazing work. I do the same with grief in my work. Grieving comes up often, but not with the same intensity as it once did. And it really does make us lighter over time.
Awwwe!!! SOOOO very true!!! Grief is the most POWERFULLY painful emotion I’ve ever had to feel!!! Like, deep down in the GUT barely REACHABLE!!! Caught down in the crossfire’s of relief and torture!!! Knowing, that it is a feeling INSURMOUNTABLE to my well being but being Afraid, of it, all the same!!;
What a powerful description!
Thank you so much. I am working on this. Trying to feel my grief and my emotions more. I notice I feel so tired, achey, lethargic and heavy in my body. It is really unpleasant. Like I’m unwell and need to go to bed. I’m normally fairly fit and active, but feel so slow and like movement a massive effort. I wonder if this is something others relate to or whether it just coincidence. I am trying to accept it and move slowly. Thank you x
This is futility from an inner part I call the karma kid. This futility feels exactly like you described. It is a defense to other emotions, but can often be blocked itself (which is why you didn’t feel it before). One of the best ways to work with it is to journal from it. Email me if you would like to talk with me more about it. I offer a free half-hour call and I can tell you about my approach. Elisabeth@beatingtrauma.com
Thank you so much for your response Elisabeth. And for all of the amazing work that you do! So grateful xx