I work with outcasts for a living. And I have never been happier with my job. We are the scapegoats, the outcasts, the weird ones, the people who don’t belong. On one level, it really sucks. It is a lonely place to be. And it is extra lonely because we have been taught we are wrong. We have been taught that something is not right with us. We believe we don’t belong on this planet. But on another level, maybe we aren’t supposed to belong. Maybe this is a time when outcasts are deeply needed. Maybe people with the courage to stand out are exactly what is going to move this planet forward.
We are the brave ones. We are the people who are here to make change happen. And let’s face it. Those who abused and neglected us knew that. They could see it at birth. In many ways, it is obvious. We have a strength that is hard to miss. We have opinions. We have a deep desire to DO something in this world. We want it to be different, a better place. And that shows up early. It shows up in our behavior and conversation, even in the way we carry ourselves. Abusive families and societies know who we are. And they immediately go in for the kill, sometimes literally.
So when I tell people that families abuse and scapegoat the strong ones, it is not just a cliché. I am not simply blowing smoke to make us feel better. It is a process that has been happening since the beginning of civilization. If an oppressor sees someone with power, they must take them down before they rise up. That power could be charismatic, spiritual, physical, anything. The oppressor must convince that strong person they will not succeed. They must convince that person of their worthlessness. And if that doesn’t work, they must destroy their credibility with others.
And in families, this starts when the scapegoat is very young, so there is no way to escape the impact. It settles in and makes it incredibly hard to get back to the power you were meant to have. Here are some of the tactics used to outcast the strong ones.
They will talk about the enemy. Oppressors love to use fear to suppress those who show signs of power. They will tell you that people like you are the problem so you must hide your innate strengths. They will tell you that the enemy is out there in the world and you must align with the oppressor to be safe. They will tell you to avoid people who are like you because they are the enemy. But the enemy is made up. Sure. There are bad people. But the idea of an enemy is used to keep you following their orders.
They tell you to dim your light. Oppressors will tell you that your light is too bright. They will call you things like intimidating and overwhelming. They will appeal to you to be convenient to others. They will convince you to keep your mouth shut when you need to speak up. They will say it is better to go along with what others say. They will tell you it is too hard to make changes. They will tell you that big dreams don’t happen for people like you. They want to keep you hopeless because you can’t fight oppression when you are hopeless.
They invalidate your emotions. Emotional numbness is a sure way to stifle the purpose of a powerful person. You will never make your dreams come true if you can’t feel. So oppressors invalidate your emotions. They want you to shut down. If you can’t feel, you will no longer know what you want. What you truly want lives in the body and not in the head. If you live in the head, you will lose yourself. If you lose yourself, you can be controlled.
They tell you to stop being selfish. When you are in touch with what you want, oppressors will tell you it is selfish. They will tell you that you must suffer. Pain is the only way to be human. You can’t have what you desire in the world. Or you certainly can’t have it all. Or you definitely can’t have it all at once. They want you to stop considering how the world could be your oyster. The dream must go if you are to be controlled.
They gaslight your truth. There is no way you can accomplish your dreams if you don’t believe yourself. If you are powerful, oppressors make sure you stay confused. If you say your truth, they tell you it isn’t. If you tell your story, they question all your facts until you have so many doubts in your head, you can’t tell it. They make you question everything that comes from within because that’s where your power lies. They want you to question your power.
If you are reading this, you were likely one of those outcasts. You were one of those people whose light was dimmed. You were one of those people sent here for big things. And you likely believe that being an outcast makes you the problem. I want you to rethink what it means to be an outcast. Let yourself consider a new definition for that word. What are you being outcasted from? Are you an outcast from evil? Are you an outcast from the status quo in a broken world? Are you an outcast from the emotionally numb, from the zombie apocalypse? Is that really a problem? Are you really the problem? Ask yourself.
Thank you Elizabeth. I needed to read this today. A very powerful message expressed so well. X
Thank you Rachel!
Oh wow! Another incredible article from you Elisabeth.
Yes, I am one of those: ‘They make you question everything that comes from within because that’s where your power lies. They want you to question your power’.
I cannot ever thank you enough for being our voice out there.
Thank you so much Inci!
Spot on brilliant thank you!!
Thank you Kate!
You are so spot on…..this is such a relief from a lifetime of scapegoating! It all fits and makes so much sense! I am grateful beyond words!!!! Thank you! You are helping us change our lives!
Thank you so much Lisa! I am glad this was a relief for you.
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to my friends. They don’t understand me, they don’t ‘get it.’ But I’m okay with that, because I’m not the problem, I’m part of the solution – even though not many are willing to listen to me.
The more you ground into who you really are, the more you will attract the right people who will listen. It will come. Sending love to you.
Wow! Thanks Elizabeth! This is everything I have shared with people in the past that no one really grasps.
I feel like an outcast with DID riding the waves of the ocean of tears from my past that I wasn’t allowed to express and others express for me. I’m an outcast because I never became what they wanted me to be. We’re different. We’re not the problem! We make a difference in this world and fight for others who struggle! I escaped being evil like my abusing family.I will endeavour to listen to these words more now as a positive spin rather than a negative one. Love to you for this reminder.
Thank you K! Try to see it as a positive sign especially when your family uses it as an insult. And keep being an outcast in a good way.
Exactly what I needed to hear today.
Love to you!
I’m not the problem! I’m not the problem! I’m not the problem!
I’m validated!
It’s ok that I don’t agree with you. It’s ok that I’m different than you. It’s ok that I say no. It’s ok that I have different likes even though my growth scares you. Your insecurities are not for me to accommodate or my responsibility. I will no longer live condemned with your boot on my neck with you dictating my every move only because I don’t want to make waves or offend you or have you lose your temper and curse at me and belittle me. I will no longer be silent. I have a voice! I have a voice! I have a voice! Thank you
Loved your explanation of outcasts. Very helpful. Thanks.
Thank you Helen!
Holy s@#t! I think we are on the same wavelength! I am reliving this right now in my work environment. My supervisor had been scapegoating me for years. It took a while but I hit the breaking point (not to mention I recognized the pattern mirrored back to me of my relationship with my mother). I finally said “enough is enough” and I called him out on all the mistakes that he made and I covered up for him in the past.
I stopped it in its tracks! That’s it! I will no longer sacrifice my soul, my wellbeing in order for him to maintain the mask he presents to everyone else. I called him out and now the s@#t is hitting the fan at work.
Luckily, my program director has seen the mask slip and is aware that I had been covering for him for years and she also recognizes that I am actually the one who does the work. Who has the creative ideas, who makes change take place. She FINALLY took him aside today and called him out on all his passive aggressive behaviour, gaslighting and manipulation and basically informed him that if his behaviour continues he will be deemed as being insubordinate. I can’t tell you how much a of relief this is after 7 years of torture. I know this was my growing experience and he taught me to step into my empowerment. I am grateful to him for showing me how I sacrificed myself, how I dishonoured myself, how I bought into the programming of unworthiness. It took a while as you can see.
I am so happy I am brought to tears. I now know that I will be okay no matter what. I now know that I am strong, stronger than most people realize, stronger than most people are comfortable with. Now I am not afraid to stand up and speak my truth and I will be shut up no more!
It is very interesting though because i also see the shift of staff that bought into the ‘status quo’ and now that I am upsetting the apple cart some people are not liking it. They have bought into the mask of ‘I’m a nice guy’ that my supervisor wears and they do not know the story behind the mask. More importantly, they don’t want to know the story behind the mask because then they would have to do something about it. They would have to change. That is too much for some.
I have come to realize that when there is a wolf in the herd of sheep – the sheep don’t want to know about it, they want to pretend it isn’t there because if they know it is there then they would have to take action. Abuse is a good example of this because you would think that people would want to help someone who is being abused but this is not true in many cases because the abuser is the ‘nice teacher’, ‘friendly neighbor’ or cookie=baking housewife that everyone ‘loves’. If it is acknowledged then you have to do something about it. So most people like to bury their head in the sand and keep it there.
It is time we all wiped that sand out of our eyes and see things as they truly are! Wake up.
Thank You SO MUCH for this – it was perfect timing for me and my two children (who are trying to rise above narcissist abuse). Just last night my brother tore me down horribly to where I was questioning everything good about myself. I’ve been trying to rise above it today but it’s been difficult because after 21 years with a covert narcissist husband, plus the narcs in my family, it’s sometimes nearly impossible to stand alone and firmly say, “I AM NOT THE PROBLEM!!”
It can be so difficult to do that when you are surrounded by people who want to make you the problem. Keep standing in your truth.
HOLY SHIT. SO THAT’S WHY PEOPLE HATE ME, HUH?
THANK YOU FOR THIS ARTICLE.
I Internally edited the amount of “strength energy” I give off. This should fix the hatred pointed towards me on a daily basis. idk if that made sense, but yeah.
It does make sense. But don’t edit it down too much. We need that.
I love what you said right at the end about how is it really a problem that you don’t fit in with all the zombies? 😂 Well put! Outcasts are brave people! Most people are cowards who need to belong and be approved of by others. Outcasts are too busy working hard to heal the planet via healing their traumas! It’s very important work!
It is the most important work (but I am biased probably).