When we grow up with complex trauma, we learn survival skills. These survival skills are incredibly useful when we are children. They may not be as helpful as we think they are, but they definitely help. They help avoid painful abusive experiences. But when we grow up, these skills hold us back. They stop us from reaching our full potential. They may even stop us from getting started. We get angry and impatient with ourselves because of this sabotage. We drown in futility because nothing seems possible. But if we can build some compassion for our sabotaging ways and accept ourselves for developing these survival skills, we will already be on our way to changing them. The best way we can accept them is to understand them. Here are some of the most common survival skills we learn from childhood trauma.
- Invisibility. When we experience prolonged trauma in childhood, we learn that all attention is bad attention. We learn that our best chance to survive is to not be seen. We learn that being seen is detrimental to our health. This may come from abusers in our home but it is often reinforced by bullies in the outside world. The less we are able to set boundaries with others, the more important it is to be invisible. It becomes our only way to fight the abuse we experience. In adulthood, our invisibility causes us to be passed over for raises and promotions. It makes us struggle to create healthy connections with others. And if you have a need to market yourself as an entrepreneur, it will be constantly sabotaged.
- Perfectionism. In traumatic environments, we are often given far more responsibility than a child should be given. We might be asked to take on tasks that are not age-appropriate. This is known as “parentification”. The problem is that we are expected to accomplish these things as adults would. We are expected to tackle these tasks without error. Errors are costly. Every mistake brings berating, punishment and shame. So we learn to do it perfectly or not at all. In adulthood, this can causes paralysis whenever we try to do something that might require us to learn through mistakes. And most worthwhile things do.
- People-pleasing. We are usually not allowed to say “no” in a traumatic household. We may not have been allowed to imply we didn’t want to do something at all. Expressing our needs was not acceptable. To survive, we did what we were told. We didn’t ask for what we needed. We didn’t express how we felt. We hunkered down to the tasks before us and just got through it. Boundaries were not available to us. We thought it would get better in adulthood, but without boundary-setting skills, the patterns continued. We often find ourselves in relationship with people who don’t respect our needs.
- Hyper-vigilance. When we grow up in unpredictable environments with unreliable people, we will do whatever it takes to find some control over our surroundings. We are often desperate for some semblance of safety through predictability. We will use hyper-vigilance as a way of bringing that feeling of safety back to our lives. If we know everything that is going to happen and can predict the next steps of our abusers, we might be able to thwart our abuse or stop the other shoe from dropping. But when we grow up and start our adult lives, we can exhaust ourselves with hyper-vigilance. We no longer need to track every move of every person or predict everything that will go wrong. We now have the power to set boundaries and deal effectively with life’s mishaps. But we don’t know it. Our survival skills rely on predicting the future and it is difficult to turn that off.
- Noncommitment. In traumatic childhoods, we are often met with sabotage and thwarting from others. If we fall in love with something and we express our joy about it, it became a target for others to destroy. We may have learned at an early age not to let ourselves commit to what we wanted. And if something we wanted did happen, we may have learned not to express any joy about it or attachment to it. We did this because we wanted to keep it, but in adulthood this backfires. If we don’t fully commit to what we want, we are unlikely to get it or keep it. If we don’t put our whole heart into something, it won’t manifest. But our terror of experiencing further heartbreak keeps what we love at bay.
If you are seeing these sabotaging behaviors in your own life, stop yourself before you pour on the self-hate. Take a few minutes to re-frame your self-sabotage as survival skills. They kept you alive. They kept you from crumbling under the immense pressure of prolonged trauma. Yes, they need to change. But they won’t budge without your recognition of all they did for you. Give them the compassionate response they need.
Check, check, check, check, check! All the above. Wow! This is timely Elizabeth, deep gratitude. I was somewhat aware but you have shined more light and put words more definitively to what I was feeling.
What can I say….Number 5. Wow! This soooo resonates. A part of me knew that it was difficult for me to express love or care for something because it would be destroyed or taken away. Another part of me did not want to believe that, how could that be true? Why would someone do such a thing? Why would a parent intentionally destroy what their child cares for or desires? Hard to imagine.
Yet, when you write it as descriptive as you have, I can see the impact it has had on me even as an adult. This brings great grief. As even the expressing of my joy over something was diminished. I now find it challenging to reconnect to that joy. Joy means danger, joy means potential for destruction, joy means punishment. This is not my truth – but it was in my childhood. Thank you. I can now work on the acceptance of that.
Much love and hugs
Thank you Wendy. I can understand how it brings great grief. We lost so much time caught up in these survival skills. Love to you.
This is so helpful. Thank you for your insight on this subject and many others.
Thank you!
You nail it every time Elizabeth! Thank you for this fantastic resource. Each article is pertinent, a blessing and an inspiration. This one relevant right now…. have been battling with all the above and realise the strategies I use (stroppy sulky teenager for no 1 as I feel ignored and yet of course, make myself invisible…), the hyper-vigilance (exhausting) and the non committment (holding me back, sitting on the fence, sitting on the edge looking on passively as life goes on for everyone else) are still very prevalent and yes, sabotaging! Am doing well to a degree with people pleasing and the perfectionist!
Thank you so much Jan! I am glad you found this article so helpful! And it sounds like you are doing some really courageous work on yourself.
Yes, Yes, and Yes!!!! Thank you for giving the words to describe these things. Number 5 in particular I am becoming increasingly aware of. For years I have wanted to take horse riding lessons. Even though I have the ability and am close to more than 5 stables, I have not signed up for them. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. Now I understand. I too am afraid to have joy or get excited about anything. It worked really well in childhood but now I see that it is no longer helpful and I am stealing my own joy. Thank you for this post.
That is amazing Tammy! Go take those lessons. My kids are in love with horseback riding. They kept begging me to sign them up for lessons, but I was really reluctant. I would only sign them up for the summer camps. I said I was scared of horses. Then I got a memory back of taking lessons and having them ruined for me by the adults in my life. I realized I actually loved horses, but was refusing to connect with them because of this childhood experience. Now my kids take lessons and have their fist mini-show in two weeks. And while I still won’t ride one, I do love to watch the kids and horses be amazing.
Hello Elisabeth!
I have been staying in the back round of all your posts.
Reading watching waiting. But this post rang loud and clear
for me. All 5 ways describe me! I can be in a room or place
filled with people but still be alone. It’s a hard feeling but one
I have dealt with all my life. Sabotage could be my middle name.
I believe in you and your work in helping us. Thank you
It will take courage on my part to come forward. I must read
this again. Eventually I will come forward and join you.
For now thank you!
Carole
Thank you so much Carole. I appreciate your bravery to explore these things and write this comment.
THANKYOU…for posting this every word rang true for me…now I understand how and why my patterns, beliefs and behaviors have come to be…now how to live life better????
Thank you Gaylene. It is a slow process to change our reactions to life. We have to hear out our beliefs. I strongly encourage writing to build awareness of that inner conversation so you can make new choices.
I link invisibility with disassociative disorder. Great post.
Definitely. They are very connected. All of the survival skills are liked to dissociation.
This couldn’t have found it’s way to me at a better time. Very accurately describes me. Unfortunately, I can’t completely focus on reading the whole thing right now because I’m too busy worrying about why I opened my big mouth to my friend about our trip this weekend. And that feeds my worry about whether I have enough protection around our home. If you could see all the camera’s we have in this house, and all the locks on the doors. The rottweiler beside me, the mirror film I have on all the windows and the barbed wire that I creatively wrapped around my deck you would laugh until you cried.
Trauma can turn our entire focus in the direction of safety. We can become completely overwhelmed with hyper-vigilance because control seems life or death. I really understand.
I haven’t suffered anything like what you have Elizabeth but yet when I read this something switched on and no it all seems so obvious. I’ve had so many ‘so that’s what is is’ moments. It describes my self sabotage behaviour exactly. I don’t quite know how to thank you. To bare all such that we can heal also. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much Siobhan! I am glad to hear my writing helped you have these moments. That is truly what I am trying to do.
This brought tears to my eyes, unfortunately I do the majority of these behaviours and have relied on them throughout my life. It’s only just recently I’ve started my journey and I am very anxious and weary about talking to anyone. Thank you for all that you wright your posts are fantastic and full of insightful information which is very helpful. Thank you.
Thank you so much Sharon! Please know that you have support here when you are struggling.
Your first paragraph is exactly what I was saying earlier this week. Glad it’s not only me. Then numbers 2, 3 and 4 are quite fitting. I’ve got some good skills 😉. Sending love to you ❤.
We all have some amazing skills for sure!