How do I know what I want?
This is the most common question asked by my clients. And it doesn’t surprise me. We grew up in an environment which did not allow us to connect with ourselves. We were not allowed to ask for what we wanted. We were not allowed to feel how we felt. We were not allowed to say no to what we didn’t want. After trying to express ourselves authentically to no avail, we learned to shut it down. It was too painful to listen to the cries from inside when we could not answer them. So we just shut it down.
Now that we are adults, we listen to all the mainstream self help experts. They say the same things. “You have the answers inside.” “Trust your intuition.” “Listen to what you want above all others.” Well damn. If that isn’t confusing, nothing is. How are we supposed to connect with the voice we were forced to shut down all those years ago? How do we know what we want? It isn’t that we hear it and ignore it (although that may be happening). We don’t even know what it sounds like.
Why don’t we know what it sounds like? It is buried under years of traumatic emotions and memories we had to shove down with it. And our intuition is only available when we are in a grounded state. In other words, we have to be in the body. But all the pain is in the body. We have spent years mastering the ability to stay out of the body. Now we have to face the fact that our intuition is exactly where we don’t want to go. While it would be nice if the first step was “access our intuition”, it isn’t. The first step is to feel the pain of the past. Who wants to do that?
But if you are reading this, you are already on that journey. And you may be wondering how you can tease out the intuitive messages from all the parts screaming in your head. What’s intuition and what is the inner parts chatter? Here are some rules I have learned as I have accessed my own intuition.
- Intuition sounds insane. If you hear a voice inside your head saying you should stay small and live a comfortable life, you are not hearing your intuition. Your intuition is about living large and fulfilling a purpose. That purpose is never small. It is never safe. Intuition is scary. Intuition says you are meant to do amazing things. It doesn’t mean you are meant to be famous or win the Nobel Peace Prize, but it means you are meant to do something that scares you. Think of the scariest thing you could do. Think of the thing that makes your heart race and stomach do twists and turns. Does that thing make you proud beyond measure? That’s your thing.
- Intuition is a whisper. Your inner parts scream at you. Maybe they don’t scream at you all the time. But they scream at you sometimes. And when you are trying to get in touch with your intuition, your parts scream at you the loudest. They are trying to drown it out. The controller is the biggest enemy of your intuition. They are NOT okay with anything big and risky. That is not their thing. But if you can ground and listen to the whisper, you may get an idea of what your intuition has to say. And if the first response to a thought is a beat-down by your controller, it is probably your intuition.
- Intuition doesn’t sound desperate. Your inner parts are desperate. Why? They are always fighting with another inner part. Even our most prominent parts have an opposing part. You may not be able to hear it, but the opposition is there. So your parts will be in a hurry. Your parts will make you feel like time and energy is running out. Your parts will go to desperate lengths to have their needs met. But intuition is patient. Intuition can wait. Intuition is standing by waiting for you to wake up. Intuition knows you want what they are offering. And any opposition is not concerning.
- Intuition will never give you the entire picture. Following intuition requires faith. I am not talking about religious faith. I am talking about faith in life. And I already know what you are thinking. How can I possibly have faith in life after what I have been through? The controller is the antithesis of faith. But with trauma processing, that faith will build. And one day, you will hear that first step and find it hard not to take it. You won’t know what will come next and that won’t matter as much as it used to. You will take that first step. And after you take that first step, the next step will become clear. And you will take it. That’s how intuition works. Don’t get me wrong, you may have a fuzzy picture of where you are going. But how you are getting there will be a mystery.
Don’t give up on finding your way back to yourself. You do know what you want. It is buried under a ton of muck, but it is there. And as you work through your traumatic emotions and memories, you will start to hear the whisper. As you get to know your inner parts, you will notice how your parts keep you away from the whisper. You will build the ability to hear yourself above the din of society and your inner chatter. You will learn to trust and follow yourself above everything else. But it will take time. For today, trust enough to take one step.
Thank you so much for the explaining you do. Even though I’m taking baby steps I’m seeing the big picture of recovery more and more.
Thank you Esther!
Thank you Elisabeth, this so resonates for me. My biggest struggle is “What do I want?” I have no clue. I am always asking myself…what do I desire? What do I dream? What do I wish for? It is hilarious but I have no idea.
It’s like shouting into a cave and not hearing an echo back….there is a great chasm. What is really confusing is that I don’t hear the shouting of my parts either. It’s like I have picked up the phone and no one is there.
I keep saying “hello” and there is nothing but dead air.
I can’t think of anything scary I want to do, so I can’t even find step one. Where to start?
Your blogs are always appreciated with great gratitude!
Thank you Wendy. It sounds like the controller might be in charge keeping everyone at bay. The more you can work to get into your body, the more you may be able to hear that intuitive voice.
I love how you express these thoughts. You have a way of unraveling the swirling dust storm that circles above me when I try to get in touch with the real me. My parts are all banging pots together to drown her out. They are so angry. How can she show herself?
Thank you Diane. I find that allowing the parts to express will quiet them down and allow our intuition to come forward. If we try to push them aside, they will get louder and louder unfortunately.
I am on my own for the first time ever and this article certainly helps me as I don;t know who I am and about to start the journey of finding Karen amongst the past. Thank you for your insight.
Thank you Karen. We can feel lost when we are on our own after defining ourselves by others for so long. Keep listening for your inner conversation.
Thank you for this post. Its very inspiring.
Thank you!
I feel like Wendy, I’m never really sure what I want. I mostly know what I don’t want. I always think bottom line, I want to be happy and that is very difficult. I want peace & quiet and to live a purposeful life.
I really get it. I remember how my desire for peace always trumped anything else I wanted in life. Honestly, without peace on the inside, it can be difficult to find that purpose.
I have this very odd situation where I’m once again back at home with family, going through the same old emotions again. Every time I try to leave, I just cannot survive alone somehow.
So, now that I’m back and in a very bad place, they’ve agreed to help me. One thing they offered was a few months at a trauma healing center. I could sell my car, have a bit of money, and hopefully not have to come back again.
Yet, something feels off about going. Guilt, fear that it won’t work and I’ll be right back where I started with no access to resources or a car, etc.
Somehow, taking medication and staying more local and building my way out feels more calming to my body.
But I don’t want to be in this environment. It is really toxic for me. I have no idea how to find what I want here and what I’m being guided to do. My body and mind are so whacked out that I just don’t know, you know?
It is so hard to make decisions like these when we are in retraumatizing situations. I always include grounding, breathing and writing prior to making decisions like these. When I am grounded (even temporarily), I can access better answers than when I am not.
Thank you so much for this. It made so much sense to me. I have made a lot of progress, but I still often find myself stopped by fear when I want to take the next step forward or want to try something new.
It is so difficult to get past the fear when we try to do something new. You are not alone with those struggles.