Over the past two weeks, I have been sensing a strong theme. It has been showing up in my own life but it has also been coming from my clients. The same questions are coming at me in our consultations. “Why do others get unconditional love and I can’t? It seems that no matter what I do, people won’t love me.” And at the risk of sounding “victim-blamey”, my response has been the same. If they gave it to you, would you accept it? The answers (after a slight pause) have been a resounding no.
It is not that we don’t have a deep innate desire for love. Of course we do. But balanced and unconditional love is not something we have known. Our trauma has led us down roads that won’t bring this love to us. Our inner parts have learned different things about love. Our freedom fighters who prefer isolation, our defenders who see us as unworthy of love and our love seekers who are trying to resolve old patterns will stand in our way of unconditional love. So what does this sound like in our unconscious minds? Let’s explore that.
- We believe the only way to be free from control is physical and emotional isolation. Our freedom fighters have been trying to gain freedom since we were very young. And unfortunately, the people who have shown up in our lives have made one thing very clear. They have no intention of allowing us to have freedom in relationship. We must give up our identity, our authenticity and everything we love to have a relationship with others. So there is only one solution to ensure our freedom in this world. That solution is isolation. If someone expresses any interest in us, the warning bells go off. “They want to control me. They want to use me. They want to take away my autonomy. I must run as fast as I can in the other direction.”
- We believe we are not worthy of unconditional love. Our defenders have learned that life is not really about freedom. Life is about survival. They want to provide safety at all costs. They don’t care about authenticity or individual expression. They have no time for that. They want to stay alive. And honestly, people are unsafe. The closer the relationship, the more unsafe it is. And the more unconditional love appears to be, the more untrustworthy the source must be. “They must be lying. They must be playing me. They can’t possibly be serious. It is best to push them away before they take advantage of me and break my heart.”
- We believe we must resolve our trauma patterns by loving someone like our abusers until they finally love us back. The more intense and desperate a connection to another person, the more we should run the other way. This may sound wrong or even depressing, but take it from me, you want to run. Our love seekers (which are inner children) are energetically attracted to people who will help them resolve their relational trauma. That might sound like a good thing. Who doesn’t want to resolve their relational trauma? But the problem isn’t the goal. The problem is the approach. They want to resolve the relational trauma by relating to people with similar abusive characteristics. They don’t want to change the type of person they relate to. They want to figure out how we can become good enough to get a different result. And you may have guessed that is not going to happen. So when you meet a person who isn’t like your abusers, who is interested in you, they won’t interest you. The love seeker will not even notice them. “They are boring. They don’t intrigue me. There is no passion.”
The next time you find yourself alone and wondering if there is love for you, ask yourself some important questions.
“How am I rejecting love?”
“How am I isolating?”
“How am I lacking trust?”
“How am I repeating my patterns?”
Allow yourself to consider how you may be rejecting love. Allow yourself to examine the fears that come with the unpredictability and messiness that is relationship. Give yourself permission to be scared, but to step out into something new. It might not work out the first few (or fifty) times. But you are building a new pattern. You are building new pathways in your life and your brain. You a connecting back to love and trust. Deep inside, you have always known it.
So… number 3 was my pattern forever! Wow! Especially the part about finding some men very boring (always the good ones) and just not being attracted to them. All of my relationships were filled with drama and fighting… and I was always trying to make them work no matter what. I am so surprised we haven’t talked about this before (or we likely have and I forgot :)) as this was my life forever. My recent relationship was very slow to progress and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and always thinking “He must want something” when he did considerate things for me or whatever.. it took a long time for me to accept the love and I still find myself, 7 years later, struggling to accept it at times. Thanks for writing this.. I always appreciate your blog – always makes me think 🙂
I am so glad you were able to accept that love because it is likely to be just what you need to break the pattern and shift your expectations. Love to you my friend.
This is so much like what is/was happening to me. I was blessed to find someone who accepted me uncloaked.I don’t think either one of us believes that there is unconditional love, but a choice and commitment of the best love. We are able to be not perfect with each other, with patience, grace and the choice of love, we commit to continue to pursuing our care for each other, companionship, commitment, communication, and compromise. Wow that’s a lot of “C”s …but I am learning as I go and all of those have been involved in my forward moving, healthier partnership. Self discovery, awareness and acceptance develop in the right kind of environment. Choice, thoughtfulness wisdom, a bit of risk taking are part of the journey as well.
I am so glad you found someone you can pursue this commitment with.
So timely for me right now. I can very much relate to everything in this blog. More proof that you really get it Elisabeth, and that makes you so trustworthy and real. I cry every time I read something that speaks such truth to me as this because it means someone else understands deeply and I feel less alone. Thank you so much!!!!!
Thank you so much Rene!
To quote one of my favorite movies “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Sad but true.
Definitely sad but true.
Thank you for writing about this Elisabeth. My young child parts are longing for unconditional love but my defenders will slam the portcullis down the second anyone shows any interest in getting to know me better. They are absolutely terrified the little ones will get hurt, both emotionally and physically. So I find myself becoming more and more isolated and, almost certainly, present as cold and detached – in order to protect myself. It’s very sad, and I hope that one day I can allow myself to be different so my little ones can find the love and connection they need and deserve.
I completely understand Olive. It is so hard to stop the defenders from taking over.
My battle too Olive. <3 x
#3 hit the nail on the head for me and a recent encounter I had. It was outside of my “relationship” and my relationship was boring and the responsibility of maintaining a stable relationship felt overwhelming. Man, I was addicted to the intensity of the other relationship. I knew I was acting out, but I could not stop it! My Observer was there watching everything, which I felt was good because before I would have blindly let the Love Seeker have her way. Now I am just working on listening to her and letting her express herself in writing (your detox program!) and more in my relationship. I would love tips on how to fully integrate her into my whole Aligned Self.
Actually the path to integrating any part is to let them express their needs and help to meet them in healthy ways. So it sounds like you are on the right path there. The love seeker is a VERY strong part and the urges can be almost impossible to resist until we build awareness and let them express.
Right now, I speak of the Love Seeker as a separate part of me, when in reality she is me… Just not functioning in healthy ways that are conducive to feeling whole and complete. Does that make sense? I guess I’d like to blend it all together in a way that empowers me, rather than creates dangerous situations that I have to navigate my way out of.
She might need to be separate for a while. It is actually good that she is separate. Some people are enmeshed and can’t see her at all. When she is separate, you can converse with her from your grounded adult self and help her to heal. This is very helpful in eventually integrating.
Great. Thanks for the clarification!
I had one crazy relationship after another, usually with men who were much younger. They couldn’t hurt me I thought, I’m smarter than them.
I was never faithful, loved sex too much. I got hurt, they got hurt, the kids got hurt, everyone got hurt. Finally I was on my own, no kids and I found a man who really I thought was kind of boring but he could be daring once and a while. I almost left him after a couple of years but then my brother died, then my Dad died, then my best friend died and then even my dog died. My man was there for me through it all. He did everything he could to make my suffering less and he gave up a lot of his time for my well being. I felt he more than proved how much he loved me. I have been so blessed to have the right man find me. After living with him for over 15 yrs, I married him. Third time is the charm they say. For once I feel like I might be happy for the rest of my life. Lord knows the first half was nothing but misery. My husband brought me not just love but peace and happiness.
Your story of finding a different kind of love makes so much sense. I think it works that way for us sometimes. We don’t want it at first, but we learn it is right over time.
I find I have a pattern – shut down and isolate for several years. Then I meet ‘THE ONE’ and allow myself to be completely controlled and have no voice. Stay for years until I find the courage to leave then revert to shut down and isolate. I am in the shut down and isolate stage now and find I am terrified of the thought of another relationship.
This is THE pattern. I know it well. The battle between the isolator and the love seeker.