I have been asked countless questions from trauma survivors about recovery. For those of us on this journey, we are seekers and we want answers. We do our research and we won’t stop until we understand. I want to help people in their quest to understand. Actually, it might be my primary mission. So I try to answer these questions. But there is one I don’t have an answer to. And it is a big one.
Why do some of us recover while others stay in denial?
I don’t have clarity about this answer. I know a lot about what drives people to recovery. I know one primary driver is pain. But why do some feel more pain about traumas while others continue to defend? That is a much harder question. And some drivers come from a spiritual or soul level. I can’t possibly understand or explain that fully. So the answer is not straight-forward. That doesn’t appeal to our controller parts who love the facts. But in working with my clients, I have found some universal qualities in survivors who seek answers. I thought I would share those with you.
We Seek Truth
I was talking with a client today and she brought up a very important point. She said her soul is driving her to live in truth. She can’t live the lie. And she can’t stand being around others who live it. One of her biggest triggers is being lied to. I could relate. I have always felt a deep connection to the truth. Living authentically has been the only way to live in my own mind. I can’t and won’t live a lie. There is something that won’t let me settle down when I am not in integrity. And for me, this is a critical component of the drive to heal. I can’t live in the story my controller has created for my convenience any longer.
We Seek Justice
The survivors I have met in this journey have an uncanny sense of justice. They know what is unfair and unjust and they are not willing to stand for it. They are tired of watching adults and children being victimized and they want to change it. But I have learned repetitively that to fight for justice, we have to be healed. We have to live in our power because this fight is not an easy fight. And there are plenty of abusive people who want to keep the status quo. It is also important to know that justice takes many forms. It may not mean we put our original abusers in jail (but it might). The justice we seek may be preventative. We may work to stop future injustices. But one thing is certain. Our passion for justice brings us to recovery.
We Seek Freedom
For many years, I had dreams of being locked in rooms or trying to catch a plane I always missed. I felt trapped. I felt like my life was wasting away while I was under the control of others. I hated it. I longed for freedom. I no longer wanted to consider what others wanted first. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that recovery made me selfish. But I stopped allowing others to define who I was. I didn’t change my actions based on what I thought others would think of it. If I intuitively knew what to do, I didn’t change that based on opinions of others or society. I am still a work in progress, but that drive to be free has been a significant catalyst in my recovery work.
We Seek Peace
About 9 years ago, I participated in a recovery group with about 12 other people and 2 moderators. There was a woman in the group who was triggered by me and used to come at me with her criticisms quite often. The moderators would try to stop it, but that didn’t always work. As you can imagine, I was pretty vocal then too and I was really struggling. One day, she went on the attack and said, “Elisabeth, what do you want? Do you even know what you want?” The moderator was about to intervene when I answered, “I want peace.” All the tension in the room was immediately diffused. Everyone just sat there with this knowing look. I knew what they were thinking. “Yeah, I want that too.” We are all tired of the battle on the inside and the outside. We are tired of the fight between our controller and the other parts. We want to be real so we can live in peace. And that is a huge driver toward recovery.
While I don’t have the entire answer (and I probably won’t in this lifetime), I do see these drives in my clients and myself. I am not suggesting that people who choose to stay in denial don’t have these drives. But for some reason, they aren’t big or strong enough to overcome the fear of inner change. So keep seeking. I know it is exhausting at times. I know you feel isolated on this journey. But our numbers are growing because a life without what we seek is worse than loneliness. I know you know this or you would not be reading this. Don’t stop your search for the things you long for. We are here for those things. The entire human race is here for those things.
Thank you for this, You write with such depth and eloquence. I too am a seeker, so much so that I think I’m misunderstood at times by others because I like to dive deep and dive in for the peace and the freedom and understanding that you speak of in this post. Thank you for the acknowledgment and the wisdom and support. I have found, am finding, my little Mary’s, continuing to give recognition and love, continuing to seek, no matter, on my God-given pursuit on this path. Much love and blessings . 💙🙏🏻❤️
Thank you so much Mary. I am sending my love and light to you as you seek and heal.
Elisabeth, thank you for this article. You do great service for humanity.
I have a question, maybe two.
Do people choose to stay in denial or are they confused by fear? Fear of the unknown, fear of their own emotions, subconscious fear of their own power?
“We are always on a journey and we never get it wrong” Wayne Dyer. Abusers need to be allowed to heal themselves. Sometimes they need to do that behind locked doors but rehabilitation and reconciliation will eventually lead to a happier/healthier society. The practice of Ho’oponopono teaches us that we are 100% responsible for everything that comes into our lives. That doesn’t mean if one is abused it’s their fault. Rather we came into this life to have certain experiences that provide contrast for bliss. Our job is to learn to “love what is” Byron Katie (www.thework.com) in order to be at peace within and stop the war in our own minds. If everyone practices loving themselves the world will be at peace. And that’s worth the effort.
Thank you for all that you do. I have enjoyed your posts.
Al Rodee
Thank you Al. To answer those first questions, I would say that the decision to stay in denial is made on an unconscious level and the fear is what drives it. I actually believe most decisions come from an unconscious part of self. I have read most of the spiritual writings you refer to and I agree with many of them in principle, but they can often be misinterpreted by complex trauma survivors or be used to bypass deeper healing. For that reason, I usually leave them out of my own writings. I do love Byron Katie, but to me, “loving what is” means full acceptance of how we feel in the moment. If we are angry, embrace anger. If we are scared, allow the fear. If we are grieving, accept our grief. “Loving what is” can be interpreted as giving up on making our lives better by those who carry significant futility. I do agree with Wayne Dyer that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in our journey. But the phrase about being 100% responsible for our lives (predestination) or the rehabilitation and reconciliation concepts can be incredibly triggering for survivors of severe childhood trauma. Those are concepts I don’t usually utilize because they can make survivors feel unsafe and invalidated.
Thank you for your response to that comment and mentions of concepts such as predetermination, etc. Bypassing deeper healing is a lot of what I see in my private practice with trauma survivors. The ‘self help’ gurus and platitudes can be enlightening and also offer temporary relief to pain and confusion, yet the work still needs to be done.
I agree with you completely Patti. There is good and bad in all those messages.
Hello Elizabeth and thank you. Also thank you in response to the inquiries regarding other spiritual teachings. As a trauma survivor I have learned that reading any spiritual writings and taking them literally at face value is not the intention. All spiritual writings are intended to be ‘guide posts’ on our journey and EVERY person’s journey is different. What resonates for me may not resonate for another. What is painful for one is not painful for another. We all perceive the world through our own perspective which is why no one else can tell you how to see something – we can assist, and guide but not show, not tell. Remember the admonition “to walk a mile in another man’s shoes”, we never truly understand what someone else may have experienced because we did not live it.
A good example would be your previous blog on gratitude. For myself gratitude had been very challenging for all/most of the reasons you mentioned in your blog. Now if you read many, many spiritual writings, most inform readers that you must have gratitude or are gratitude-focussed. For myself, I actually had to change the word to APPRECIATION so that I could move past all the attachments/hooks/programming that made gratitude so challenging to embrace. Once I changed the word to appreciation it was like a huge door was opened,shifting a great deal in my life.
Now this is what personally worked for me, it may not work for anyone else but me and that would be part of my journey. However, if in writing this it resonates or helps someone else on their journey then how awesome is that? That is what spiritual writings are intended to do. No one writes your story but YOU. If something doesn’t sound right, feel right, sit right – throw it away – it wasn’t meant for you, or perhaps not for you at that moment.
Find the way in your heart and keep seeking. If in doubt…..feel your way through.
Hugs.
Thank you Wendy. Your point about gratitude and spiritual teachings in general is so important. We have to take from all messages what works for us. And we have to leave behind what is triggering or doesn’t work for our current place in the journey. I know that the word “seeking” can lead some people to think we can’t be present in the moment, but that is not necessarily the case. Love to you.
Thank you ELISABETH I really appreciate your insight & suggestions. My Daughter (lost to adoption, following me being raped) & I had a super warm & loving reunion approx. 24 yrs. ago & a reasonably good relationship up until 5 years ago when she sent me a note stating “giving birth does not make you a Mother”! Since them I have tried to call her with no answer or return call, I have written her notes, letters, sent cards &
gifts but nothing in return. Your poem hit a nerve about trying to get someone to respond to you. I miss her very much & would obviously love to have her in my life. My GRANDSON IS NOW 17 YRS. OLD & I HAVE ONLY SEEN HIM TWICE, WHEN HE WAS BORN & LAST TIME HE WAS 6 YEARS OLD. ANY SUGGESTIONS OR THOUHHTS? THANK YOU!
Hi Joyce, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this with your daughter and grandson. But what I have learned on this journey is that I cannot make anyone change their mind or behavior if they don’t want to do it. I would encourage you to work with your own inner pain about what is happening. Journaling and emotional expression and bodywork are so important for healing to happen. As you do, the answers will come to you and you will know how to move forward. Love to you Joyce.
Yesss! You so get this. Thankyou! I feel all of that and I agree totally with you about needing to be at a certain place of healing, recovery, to fight the good fight, otherwise it harmful to ourselves, we cant attain a kinda of “peace’ we can live with and still be an effective Voice? its hard to live in a World filled with injustices of all kinds, going on around us, when we have already lived that in childhood and to live in, in-authenticity against our sense of integrity and self, is like dying alive, the Soul begins to get sick. I will always seek and it can be, does, get scary but I look around at the alternatives, I dont like what I see. I can only be this, I can only be me, it’s a freedom from Oppression.
Thank you Anita! Keep seeking! You are doing amazing work.
Beautiful.