Last week, I wrote about the horrible invalidation that comes with claims that dissociation is not real. But there is another belief about dissociation (and particularly Dissociative Identity Disorder) which leads to an underestimation of its prevalence. That belief is supported by movies and programs like Split (horrible) and United States of Tara (not as bad). That belief suggests Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) manifests in extreme ways. Of course, most of us know what is wrong with Split. It portrays those with D.I.D. as criminals. But even with United States of Tara, there are extreme behavior changes when switches happen. Does that happen in reality? Absolutely. But it is important to understand D.I.D. and its purpose so we can fully understand how it works.
D.I.D. (and any form of dissociation) is not about attention seeking. It is about coping. It is meant to go undetected. Most of the parts are trying to fit in, to gain acceptance. They are trying to behave in a way that will keep others from questioning them. There are exceptions. The freedom fighters are less interested in fitting in. And the defenders will do bold things to ensure safety. But most of the time, a switch is undetectable unless you are looking for it or know the person very well. What does this mean for us? It means that D.I.D. is far more common than we think. There are many people walking around with parts who have no idea they are switching. And nobody else around them knows either.
Now you may be asking yourself how you know if D.I.D. is a part of your life. So I will take this opportunity to explore what D.I.D. looks like. Outside of Hollywood, what are the real life scenarios for those of us who deal with severe dissociation? I will give you some examples from my own life. These aren’t the most embarrassing stories. I save those for my clients. They get to hear the worst of it. But these stories will help you understand what really happens.
Quitting My Job. After college, I landed a nice job in a corporate environment. I eventually moved up to an I.T. project manager role. I was happy in this job and I was good at it. For a while, I thought I had found a home. But like trauma does, it followed me. Someone from my childhood started working at the same company. They were not an abuser, but they were someone I needed to forget to avoid my trauma memories. Seeing them every day was making me switch every day. I was losing time and I didn’t even know it. My parts would hide in my office with the door shut or call out sick, anything they could do to avoid the trigger. When he showed up at a work outing and starting picking on me for pretending not to know him, my mean kid took over and quit my job. I showed up for work the next day like nothing had happened. My coworkers were shocked. Did anyone know I had D.I.D? No. They just judged me instead.
Pulling the Fire Alarm. In my late twenties, my roommate was getting married to a man I worked with in that same job. Her fiancé’s close friend was the same man who triggered me in the first story. On her wedding day, he was significantly involved in the wedding. I was in the wedding. It was a day of constant switching and avoiding. Eventually, my parts got desperate. My karma kid took over and pulled the fire alarm at the hotel. Were they sure I did it? No (until now). Did anyone know I had D.I.D.? No. They just judged me instead.
Cheating on a Test. When I was in college, I had to take these horrible 7 hour finance exams. At one point, I panicked. I worked myself into a frenzy and could not calm down. I knew I was going to fail this test. I could not wrap my head around the problem and everything went fuzzy. We were allowed to use any resources, but we were not allowed to talk to other classmates. A freedom fighter took over and started a conversation with a classmate in the library. Another classmate was watching and turned us in. Somehow we were not thrown out of the school, but I did have to retake the horrible test. Did anyone know I had D.I.D.? No. They just judged me instead.
Chasing the Man. I went to an event in my twenties with a man I didn’t really like. He was always bragging about himself and talking down to me. My adult self wanted nothing to do with him. But at some point, my love seeker took over and begged him to go out with me. Not only did he say no, but he did it in a very condescending and shaming way. He did not understand why I was being so needy as a grown adult. Did he know I had D.I.D.? No. He just judged me instead.
Pissing Off the British. In high school, I lived in England for a while. In the last summer, I attended an Independence Day party in the town of Ipswich. The reason for the party was hush-hush considering where we were. The British aren’t super fond of that story (or could care less at this point). We came down to leave the party and discovered we were on lockdown. All the doors were locked and there were police guarding the door. We were shocked. Apparently, a football riot (that’s soccer for the Americans) had started and violence was erupting everywhere. My parts freaked out and my Prima Donna took over. She happily announced the story of American independence to all the British people in the room and explained how she was better than them. Did they know I had D.I.D.? No. They just judged me instead.
These stories bother me. They even make me cringe. My list of people I never want to see again is fairly long. But none of my stories made the news. There will be no movies about them. Nobody knew what was happening. I appeared to be a messed up, emotional person who needed to address her issues with the right therapist. But would anyone have guessed I switched. Nope. So don’t believe the hype about D.I.D. And look for the subtle yet odd behavior around you. You will see it more than you think.
This helps so much, thank you Elisabeth. I thought that I was the only one who couldn’t quite understand why I did some stuff that embarrassed the heck out of me later. I did know that I disassociate to not feel bad stuff but I didn’t realize it could manifest in quite this way.
Thank you Teresa. I am glad it helped you. Dissociation definitely has many facets.
“pissing of the British”………lol, I am British and found that funny.
I’m still not sure if I dissociate. I dont have obvious gaps in time but I do switch to a posh voice without being conscious of it.
During incidents of abuse as a child I dissociated out of my body looking down on what was actually happening. As an adult I find this amazing and terrifying and confusing; what was that?
I’m glad you found that funny. It was not one of my finer moments. As an American, I really pride myself in building international relationships in much better ways than we do as a country. As for your experience of leaving the body, that was absolutely dissociation. That is the perfect description of it.
Yvette, I also had out of body experiences as a child. That is simply part of the mind’s survival instinct, if trauma is too intense for a child’s mind to process. I always knew I had done that but I didn’t know I had DID, or that I often “switched” until my memories started surfacing when I was 50 years old!
I didn’t realize I was DID until I was 36 and began doing counseling with a Christian minister that had experience with DID. He first noticed my switching in our sessions. Now,4 years later I have worked through so many memories where I looked back into my first job out of college and in ny early 20’s and would feel suddenly like someone else and like I was watching myself from a distance. It was always during stressful situations and times I was being confronted. I never understood it until I started working with those particular parts and the trauma memories they were created in. You are the only other person I have heard say that DID is more common than people know. The first was the minister I work with. Thanks for writing this article, it is very good!
Thank you so much Annie. I am glad you have received the help to discover this within yourself and heal it.
thank-you for your blog.
I am worried because all my trauma over decades (at home & religious -christian – buddhist – & elsewhere0 – it is ALL non-stop mind abuse /psycho abuse /bullies/spies / covert psychological harm /gas-lighting / ruffians / victimization , blood-libel , get rid of me , malpractice & at shops elsewhere . this is a problem in my life & when had pets & for animals I know . starting with my now elderly bully father & several family , their cruel friends, then doctors , herbs & health shops, dentists , eye docs, vets , car park attendants, handimen etc & a few dharma groups, & yoga . I did now spend a lot of time getting help , police, army , churches, library, online intl prayers(live in cape town)- & tons more . but even those therapists I have had plus my best LIFELINE free local phone support chat -they also have been cruel to me & the problem is new laws say that abusers, criminals, kill bullies – they have their rights & have more rights than the victim . so now what do I do all alone in south africa ? I as a meditator am interested in long life, immortality , retreats , do eye exercises , I look very healthy. this alone has angered many people who have actually psychically injured me so now need a healer to help restore-regrow all these pieces. so -finding a healer is a main problem but if I was overseas now one could probably find a safe center & heal a bit . but any average church or group will refuse to heal me & will say the abusers have a right & I should die etc or get cancer to take on their sins . so i am angry about this . what i am angry about is that the religion allows so much mind invasions bullying – this is so wrong !!this is a death plague . one understands that the teachers need rich followers so the poor honest ones have to leave . but really this is unacceptable . but here in cape tow it is very dangerous for me now because we have nothing like all the overseas resources. & so sad to see my animal friends suffer more in this devastating drought intense heat on top of everything else . I feel something on a top level needs to be done because abuse leads to droughts & covert murder & loss of soul & this is not a small problem it is serious so wish & hope soon something better will happen for us victims . all that should have been done is – someone should have offered to take on the dharma or religious victims , then the whole problem could have been well resolved by now . i find these psycho abusers use witchcraft , voodoo , psychic blades, favoritism,earthquakes , make diseases , bodily harm -& one needs a free holy saint not a psychologist who wants money & tries to force medication instead of stopping the abusers themselves . & police will usually say i must go to court .
when the religious person becomes healthy from all the meditation or fasting or so on -that is when your whole town & country might actually oppose you – it seems to attract opposition from the local satanists etc .
so wish there was healers here.
hope to find some extra free time soon !!
Thank you Suzanne. You are right. The opposition to those who heal can be very fierce. And religions, cults and society oppose your healing, it is incredibly difficult to rise up from underneath it all. But don’t let their oppressive actions keep you down. They are living in fear and scared of your power. I work with people in South Africa remotely and they are changing their lives. There are options for healing.
The British story was so funny, don’t worry about international relations, I think our whole country is a bit dissociated and split into parts, it would have appealed to our humour and quirks more!
In that moment, they probably just thought I was some drunk little American teenager. I’m sure they didn’t give it a second thought.
Being a Brit and knowing how many of us work, the more intelligent the group of people there, the funnier the Brits would have found it… and then given you some sarcastic humour(sic) in response. Of course, unless you’re ‘Prima Donna’ headmate was familiar with it, British sarcasm may have come across as being offended! (It’s actually unlikely anyone was actually offended.)
That’s so true. I’m not actually sure that particular part cared. I think I had other parts who cared, the parts who like it when others like me. I do love British sarcasm and humor in general, but I’m not sure if all my parts do.
I am usually a restrained person, in my responses to malevolence from others. But, when I have had enough, watch out. When I get pushed to a certain point, they will know how much I hate them for everything that they have done to me. All of the small slights, invalidations, cold shouldering and etc. coalesce into one huge feeling of being majorly attacked by someone who is seeking to harm me. Then I let them know how much I hate them!
It definitely sounds like your mean kid takes over. They are using their anger to protect you from people they see as dangerous.
I do that too, Beth. And wish I didn’t. I mostly do it in writing and then regret that I did even though I felt what I said was true for me. Too brutally honest. When I did it to my cousin she was shocked and asked where that came from. And now she doesn’t talk to me. I do think it is a mean kid response, as it certainly isn’t nice. I usually never hear from the person again either and then I get down on myself for having said what I said. I’ve thought about this a lot lately- how many people have disappeared from my life most likely as a reaction to me being my blunt self. For some reason it feels good at the time but awful afterwards and I wonder why I do it. The last few times I was tempted, I wrote things out but didn’t send them and that feels OK too.
I have been seeing a therapist for years to help me deal with my PTSD. Yesterday it felt as if we had gone back to the beginning. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to take responsibility for doing the work. Painful.
You are not regressing. We do cycle through new parts and emotions and it feels like we are starting over, but it is deeper work. Don’t give up. You can do this.
Thank you. I just attempted to explain this to my boss today. I am self aware of the outside perception of my splitting. I appear snobby, know it all, not paying attention or checked out.
Except nobody (not even me) knows that I have split. I lose time. I lose me.
I search for answers and give all I have to be the best me possible when I am present. I never stop searching and learning.
I pray all the time too…
I am so sorry Molly. It is so scary to lose time in our daily lives. It is so important to have people who get it.
These sentences really hit a home run in distinguishing real life dissociation from movie depictions:
“D.I.D. (and any form of dissociation) is not about attention seeking. It is about coping. It is meant to go undetected. Most of the parts are trying to fit in, to gain acceptance. They are trying to behave in a way that will keep others from questioning them. There are exceptions.”
As pure speculative fiction, I love Split, Glass and other work by M. Night Shyamalan. I agree that it relies on an extreme depiction.
Speculative fiction and extreme go together. Lol. It asks, “What if?”
I don’t know if this is comforting but:as one who read a ton of literature to get my B.A. in English, I know that the creator of fiction often means to convey ideas & reflections about our culture and so on through allegory, hyperbole (exaggeration), metaphor, etc. This is especially so in speculative fiction.
I don’t know if that provides any comfort. Sadly, it’s probably not taught like this in grade school. Or maybe people forget about it because most texts used in grade school English are from authors who have been dead for centuries. I imagine that Mary Shelly was frustrated in her time because I’m sure there were people who read or knew of her book Frankenstein and missed the underlying themes.
Having said all of that, perhaps there are better, less extreme ways to depict certain things. DID is definitely one example. I suppose people might be comfortable with the extreme representations of DID than more common ones.
On the flip side of the coin, more common ones are disconcerting because they trigger recognition in ourselves. Extremes distance us from that discomfort by creating something unreal. “Phew! I’m not THAT bad!”
Back to my earlier statement about your post. It really helps my awareness of potential for switching. It is not particularly comfortable to face it, is it? But understanding that it occurs at so many levels for survival and functioning, one might conclude it to be normal.
The survival skills we have are quite astounding.
I hear what you are saying here. I just think it does damage because as you said, most people want the extremes to be true. They convince themselves that the extremes are true. That keeps them at a distance. I would love some more realistic depictions in the media, but that would take courage to fight the severe controller-enmeshed backlash which would follow.
A part of me — no pun intended — is eager to take on the challenge of depicting this. In fiction.
When you have switched as you did in the examples Elisabeth, were you aware and sort of watching it happen? Or did you find out afterward?
In these examples, I did not discover these memories until many years later. I was not consciously aware of them at the time.
Wow! Thanks Elisabeth. I imagine that to be unsettling.
How do I educate someone who makes fun of people for having this trauma response?
Thank you for sharing, this is really insightful. I notice when some people disassociate and I agree it’s more common than we realise.
I don’t have D.I.D but had PTSD and depersonalisation/derealisation disorder which has been healed through the therapy process. I never lost time but was aware of inner child parts which were triggered and have slowly integrated with the core self, loosely following the internal family systems model and emdr.
I’m British and love the story of your Independence Day party! But am also glad you were kept safe, football riots can be drunken and violent.
In your professional understanding, I’m curious about what is the scale here, ie D.I.D at one extreme and then whatever is the less extreme,
along the scale of disassociation?
I do think D.I.D. is one extreme on a scale of dissociation which can include parts sharing emotional and visual flashbacks while we remain consciously aware. It can also include a general forgetfulness or need for distraction. And we can see different levels of dissociation in the same individual at different times too. It depends on the intensity of the trigger.