Sometimes I give in to my inner child and check up on the old family members. Social media allows for such things, and I am not sure if that is good or bad. And the decision to check up on them (although very infrequently) comes with a ton of self-ridicule. “Why do you need to do that? They are scumbags and abusers. Who cares what they are doing?” And that is true, but it doesn’t help to tell myself that. It is natural and normal for me to wonder. It takes a long time to break the connection to people we grow up with. That said, there is never an inkling that I should get in touch with them. That longing is long gone.
But what I saw was an attempt to make me angry. I saw several blatant, expensive and planned scenarios that were arranged to upset me. My immediate reaction was, “of course they did that”. And I heard my inner parts begin to chatter. They were angry. They were agitated. They were frustrated. But I just went with it. I stayed aware and I let them chatter.
I wasn’t sure where it was going, but an hour later, I was hit with a moment of clarity. I was in the grocery store. I don’t know why my moments of clarity always come in grocery stores. I actually burst out laughing in aisle 5. In that moment, I figured out something so important.
In my recovery, I have been focused on letting go of the ties to my family, of their power over me. I have always considered them to have the power, while I was the victim attempting an escape my past. But it occurred to me those tables have turned. I am no longer the one who is caught up in the unhealthy connection to my family. They are caught up in me. They can’t handle my new power. They can’t handle my escape, my separation. And they are dwelling on it. They are literally living their lives to get me back for my “sins”.
It was a huge moment of relief for me. I don’t take pleasure in their constant inner torture. But I do understand how karma works, the real karma. Karma is happening in their minds. It is not letting them forget that I was the one who got away, the one who chose to live the truth. Their plan didn’t work, and they are going to devote their lives to getting me back for it. But unlike my scared inner parts’ perception of the power behind that, their approach is actually weak and pathetic. Their attempts to get at me are adolescent in nature.
In the past, I have wondered if they wake up each morning contemplating how I escaped their brainwashing and how they can get under my skin. I have wondered if they think of me while they are on their expensive vacations that come from the top of my bucket list. I have wondered if they think of me while they pretend to be on happy family outings on my birthday. Now I don’t wonder. I know they do. They made it perfectly clear they do.
But I don’t. They are not a consideration when I plan my day or my future. I don’t wake up in the morning thinking of them and how I can get them back. I don’t think of them unless I am writing about them or someone else brings them up. It feels like that life with them happened in the 16th century. It seems so distant from who I am today.
And it is in that “letting go” that I have claimed my power. Their inability to let go means they have left their power behind in some other life where I was the victim and they were the perpetrators. And until they get psychiatric help, they will live there. I will have my power. And they will not have theirs, not because I took theirs, but because they took theirs.
You may be reading this and thinking, “Good for you, but I’m not there yet.” And I am not writing this to brag about how free I feel. I know I still have my work to do. I checked up on them in the first place. But this realization is powerful for a few reasons. First and most importantly, working with inner parts does heal. Second, victims of abuse can take their power back without any involvement or apologies from their perpetrators. Third, perpetrators don’t have any power, no matter what they tell themselves.
So stay with your recovery course, even when those from your past invalidate you. Your power lies in letting go of the control they have over you because that control is not real. They made it up. They convinced you they had something they never had. And knowing that is the key to an empowered life, a free life, a life you deserve.
Yes!! All of this! Thank you! Exactly what I needed. Layer by layer I am healing and reclaiming my power.
Thank you Katie!
Thank you for doing the hard work to understand all these aspects and sharing them with us. There is healing and comfort in knowing we aren’t alone in our desires, especially the ones that try to shame us… But my goodness you are so right, and I have to remind myself sometimes, they are the ones that are missing out. I took control of my life and they have no control.
Yes you did Dusti!
It still baffles me how things can track me down like you said in a grocery store it’s in the least expected place that these memories seem to slip through. I don’t let them control me anymore. Or I will let anybody understand how much they did the one time. Thanks for understanding and being in the same boat as me the same boat as me
Memories and realizations come up in the strangest places Mary. Sending my love and light to you.
yay!!!!!!!!!!!! Elisabeth, I love reading your posts as I feel your blazing a trail, where you go I hope to follow….Big love Yvette x
Thank you Yvette! Love to you.
I love this one! I also really love the part where you say that we can regain our power without any apologies. I have recently experienced a little flash of this and it does feel great. I, too, have tons of work to do but there is that feeling of increased freedom deep inside.. and I hang on to that! Thank you so much for sharing all of these stories – always giving me more hope <3
Thank you Victoria. I am so glad you are experiencing this. Even in small bits, it is what we need to keep going sometimes.
I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and expertise, always sending you acalades, your insight is priceless, I’m regaining slowly, I will continue to learning from you
Katrina
Thank you Katrina!
The part about regaining power without an apology is huge to me. It’s the difference of still seeing oneself as a victim or as a survivor of abuse and moving towards thriving. A big shift in my self awareness of this came when I looked at the sentiment in the Lord’s Prayer that speaks of forgiving your debtors. I realized I was holding on to a lot of ‘you owe me’ thoughts and beliefs about the person who hurt me so badly. He owed it to me to do this and that because that’s the deal you make when you _________ (fill in the blank). I obsessed over this for a very, very long time and it was intertwined with trying to control the person as well. When I finally realized he did not possess the skills or abilities to pay the debts I thought he owed me, I mentally forgave those debts. Like someone who didn’t have enough money to pay their bills. I was the creditor and just wrote it off. Released the person to go on their way. All the energy I was expending on that was released and I felt so light and so free and no longer a victim. It was about him and not me. I knew I’d never receive an apology for any of the abuse. What I really had to do was forgive myself for being so hard on me and for trying to squeeze blood out of turnip regarding the above.
This is such an important point. We do often get caught up in that mode of expecting compensation, and we can waste so much time waiting on it.
Elisabeth, you’ve likely talked about this, so perhaps you can direct me to that writing: how, how did you ever get past needing to see them pay? Legally, criminally, publically. To be exposed for their monstrous treatment of a young girl. To ensure that none of them could hurt another child. Or did they prevail in court, while you were gaslighted?
I will let you know when that happens. 🙂 Seriously though, I do believe that most of that drive for justice stems from my own feeling of being unheard. As my inner parts have been more and more validated and supported by me (and a few others), the drive for justice has felt less desperate and more grounded. It is still there, but it no longer runs my daily life. And I have not eliminated the possibility that something could happen in a court of law still. I just don’t live for it anymore.
I loved this piece! Absolutely wonderful, right down to laughing in the grocery store. FYI – that happens to me too! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you! I don’t know what it is about grocery stores. 🙂
I beelieve that most of the drive for justice is a need to be heard. To br validated for my experience.
Thats where im stuck. That and trying to understand.
Thank you for your work.
Yes! So many of us get stuck on that. We have to focus on hearing and validating our inner parts that have been rejected. That will start to shift it.
Thank you Elisabeth for this blog! It seems strange to me – I have a long road ahead of me still, I recognize that, but the one thing that seemed to come with a fair amount of ease was walking away from my family. I asked myself what my parents contributed to my life both in the past and the present- was there anything of worth? The answer was an inexplicable ‘no’ so it was quite easy to walk away. If there is no positive aspect to the relationship then why does it exist?? right?! I don’t expect any terms of endearment from either of them – it would be like expecting a snake to turn into a rabbit – not going to happen. I’m okay with that, good to cut your losses when you know the scales are not tipped in your favour. In fact I am actually enjoying the first small sense of freedom in my life and I am not even close to being there (if that makes sense).
I also love myself enough to know not to wait for something that will never happen (waiting for one of them to love me)- thus the term ‘when hell freezes over’ (pardon the pun). My cynical side has come out.
I must admit I am enjoying the ‘karmic’ suffering that is currently taking place, I would be lying if I said otherwise. They both created their circumstances and I have done nothing (including spoken statements) that would contribute to their suffering but I do take some solace in that I know they are now struggling.
That may seem harsh but the reality is that these two (I don’t even like to use the title parents) actually tried to manipulate and connive a plan to invalidate and ‘put me in my place’ when I first informed them I was aware they programmed, controlled, sexually abused and trafficked me. They conspired together to meet to plan their next course of action because I was no longer in control. This coming from two people who had been divorced and not spoken a word to each other (hated each other) for over 20 years! All of a sudden they are best buddies!! So pardon me if I actually enjoy a bit of karmic payback! Yahoo!! Take that one to the grave!
I actually believe something very similar happened when I opted out of my family. I think there was a “meeting” to discuss what to do with me. I love your phrase “expecting a snake to turn into a rabbit”. Perfect.
Peace be upon you and thank you, it is a very encouraging read to many, who shuffle then skip along a path that comes to be as fine as a hair so that theirs no hair left to see to split, as it becomes so refined to the reflective seekers mind….things reached a head over the past couple of years, so much so, that just like the child I once was, I chose selective dumbness ‘but not the numbness’, due to the lack of affirmation all around from those who argued with the perception of how I thought it all was! I was left concluding that all my memories are false, that for me, was a great release for others and myself, I can’t relate the story fully on this page, but the breakthrough came about through shadow people drawing close, ( which I would have considered as subselves in the past) who began to take the lead, the hardest part was to submit to ones shadow swallowing up the false self to stay hidden out of sight, out of mind and out of view ‘ only those who have travelled this way can identify with what We say, when the I becomes We and we are whole again holding councel. The last significant event happened during REM when I was approached by a shadow Doctor ‘Who or Wen’! His nurses drew an electric blue plasma woven vibrational cover over me as The doctor stroked my brow. Out of fear that they had come to remove my soul, I dug my nails into his arm ( which wasn’t quite as materialised as our own) and I bit it hard but to no avail, I knew that he did not take umbrige and was aware as I had become aware that I was only reacting to fear of the unknown which afore times during such visitations had rendered me paralysed, now in this instance I got the message that their was nothing to fear only fear itself, it seemed to me also, that they themselves had also grasped by now not to fear us! So this is the breakthrough, under that plasma blanket , the self had vanished into light upon light of dancing vibrational rythmic patterns, shifting and constantly changing as indeed we do, in what I know to be true, that this life is temporary, a trial of our sincerity, we come from ONE and we return to One in UNITY……strange thing is, that today ( after being a recluse for a number of years) I tried to join a social anxiety group, and without any explanation the group rejected me, now, had I not been of strong mind ‘presently’ that declination without explanation could have thrust a struggling soul into great difficulty, so i felt a ‘calling’ in me to answer and address this rebuff, and found myself referring to Psalm 82….. Prior to just a few days ago, I did not refer to the Bible, but suddenly felt the need to read the Psalms of David from 78-82 which I reached today, meanwhile I land on the page in the Quran verse 10. Of chaper SHEBA, directly relating to David peace be upon him, where God Almighty, ‘ALLAH’ says: And we bestowed grace on David from Us, saying, “O you mountains! Glorify Allah with him! and you birds also! ( I sing praises and thanks to our Creator Frequently) And We made the iron soft for him.” 11. Saying: “Make you perfect coats of mail, and balance perfectly the rings of chain armour, and work you (men) righteousness, Truly I Am The All See’er of what you do.” ( so when I reflect on this and knit it together with the electric blue plasma vibrational blanket which was also knitted together in perfect rings like chain armour) [reflections: low and high vibrational frequencies! the higher and lower in ourselves fusing at a middle meeting point to pick up the dancing threads of realisations that are made, it is the meaning in our lives that matter, not so much the events! .ie: we all through sincere seeking and intentions will reach our eventual arrival point, Allah willing).. I gather that we are being prepared to fight Goliath in out times and situations such as the social anxiety group who declined me and possibly other genuine needy folk who attempt to enrol, need right now to be confronted with The past (Old Testament) and Last and Final Revelation (Quran) ……I beg you to refer to Psalm 82. which will place the believers into a Unified perspective and awareness of what is directly happening now, in order for us to address the personal and collective crimes in our times….peace be upon you all and thank you once again for your well recieved insight that no doubt is a help not a hindrance to the many who are turned away and rebuffed by Arrogants running some of our countries institutions, who in God Almighty’s sight have little to no qualifications to do so…..peace.Layla.
Thank you Layla for your tremendous insights here. And I am so sorry you were rejected from that group. That must have been incredibly painful to experience. Love and light to you.