I make it clear that my recovery journey involves repressed memories. And honestly, it hasn’t been an easy thing to explain. Most people can’t fathom how our brain can dissociate to that extent. Most people can’t understand how we can forget such incredibly traumatic events. But that’s the point, isn’t it? It is because they are incredibly traumatic that we forget in the first place.
My story is extreme. I forgot the majority of my childhood. Even before I started recovery, I used to ponder my lack of memories. I even told my father I could not remember living in the same house with him. He pretended not to understand why. Most of my memories have been tied to my inner parts who would take over during traumatic times. This recent discovery of Dissociative Identity Disorder has led to a much better understanding of my past and how I handled it.
But I have heard from many survivors about their own stories of memory repression. Sometimes, they remember most of their trauma, but not everything. Sometimes, there are only a few events which are repressed. Sometimes, they remember everything with no emotions tied to the memories at all.
However it manifests, the biggest problem with memory repression is the doubts. People love to tell us how repressed memories are somehow less reliable than other memories. While I will be the first to admit human memory is fallible to some extent, repressed memories are certainly no less reliable. But society has told us differently. There have been entire foundations created to discredit the recovered memories of abuse victims. So now, survivors have to deal with the stigma of mental illness, the stigma of abuse and the stigma of repressed memories. Sometimes, it seems insurmountable.
But not today. Today I want to talk about recovered memories. And I want to educate all those struggling with the old brainwashing that they are fallible. And I want to encourage all those struggling with their own memories they just can’t believe. And I want to tell those who don’t believe these memories to shut up (that’s the nice version). Honestly, these doubts come from our inner defenders or the projected defenses of others. The doubts are not real. The memories are.
Here are some reasons repressed memories are real:
- The memories come from our body which doesn’t lie. The mind lies. The mind makes things up to keep life more tolerable, but the body knows the truth. When the body and the mind are not in sync, the body pain, the illness, the dis-ease sets in. In my own experience, after 6 years of memory recovery, my unexplainable chronic pain and inflammation have practically vanished.
- When children use their imagination, they make up things like rainbows and unicorns. And this goes for our inner children too. They aren’t lying to you. As a matter of a fact, our inner children have been dying to tell us the truth for decades. And we have been continuing their invalidation on the inside.
- Alienating our childhood network is not a half-hearted decision. Nobody would do this lightly. In many cases, accepting the reality of recovered memories means alienating ourselves from extended family systems. It means we will not experience a family holiday in the same way again. Potentially, any financial safety net will be completely removed from our lives. The idea that someone would be doing this out of spite or to create difficulties for someone else makes no sense at all.
- Lies are for creating a preferable reality. Think about the times you have lied in the past. Maybe you were trying to avoid offending someone. Maybe you were trying to make yourself look good or better. Maybe you were trying to achieve something you did not believe you could achieve without the lie. But did you ever lie to create a worse reality? I am going to guess you have not. When you recover memories, it is often not the reality you would want. If it was, you probably would not have repressed it in the first place. The denial is the lie.
- The shame and stigma associated with childhood trauma is intense. Nobody would make this up because there is still an inner part who blames the self for the entire thing. The shame can be overwhelming. If I was going to make up memories, I would make up memories about being born in to royalty or something cool like that.
So the next time you feel those strong doubts coming up about your own memories or someone else’s memories, consider what I am saying here. Consider how your invalidation of repressed memories may be an attempt to avoid the truth. If we want to change ourselves and change the world, we must start with the truth.
Beautifully articulated. Thank you for this.
I read something so cool on this recently in a book by a psychologist. She said that the reality is that many of us have “false memories” of a happy childhood. So really when we get access to the repressed memories, we finally shed the false memories we’ve had to protect us (the “memory” that nothing bad ever happened to us) and step into the truth.
Exactly! I love that language.
I’m contemplating seeking to recover my repressed memories… an hour ago I read an article saying that only positive, not traumatic memories should be recovered and that memory is so unreliable that we will lost likely uncover false memories… that’s really not what I needed to read when I’m trying so hard to be OK with not knowing what happened to me… this article is what I needed to read so thank you.
Recently I had a dream of my father physically abusing my mother. I dismissed it as a nightmare, but now I’m not sure. I read recently children, even old men like me repress painful memories in an effort to defend the person who was supposed to protect them. I believe even what we may consider small traumas leave scars on our perceptions of ourselves and the world. I pray for you Michelle and for myself.
Dreams and nightmares are one of the major unconscious communication strategies. We repress our trauma for as long as it takes for us to remember it. Time really doesn’t play a role. Recovering memories can happen at any age.
It’s the same for me, I don’t remember almost anything before the age of 11, and even after so remember I only parts of memories. I assumed that it is the same for all the humans but find it to be different when my partners doubted in me that I don’t remember things. Even now att 40 I remember very little of the past. I wonder how can I repair that? I wish to remember more.
Precisely. Thank you.
Thank you!
very timely for me to stumble upon this at this point in my healing journey! thank you!
I am so glad this was timely for you!
Very good article.
Thank you!
Elisabeth,
I find this almost like a homecoming. I was recently asked, ” are you sure you want to do all this work?” I looked at the person and with a smile said, “yes, this is all part of my life story and I deserve to know my story!” Good, bad,or indifferent, it’s a part of me that wants to come alive and I am so honored that my inner child, my parts, want to have a voice. Be it by sight, sound, touch, these are so precious when one is searching for her meaning, her purpose. So, Elisabeth, you are like a dream come true for me. What ever….no matter what the complex trauma, the trauma…it’s home.
Smiles,
JoEllen
Thank you JoEllen. I am so glad to have you on this journey with me. All of the amazing survivors I have met through this work are like home to me.
I had repressed memories for 30 years but my body always remembered and relived the experience over and over again millions of time. The psyches timing in bringing forth unconscious material to integrate is interesting. Thanks for this piece Elisabeth you are honestly one of the most amazing women I have ever encountered. Please keep up the great work and writing it counteracts the oppression brilliantly. The one on invalidation has helped me so much too.
Thank you so much Kate. I am glad you are not reliving that nightmare any longer and I am thrilled that my writing is helping you.
I have “body memories” such as having to work through the fear and using dilatory for vaginismus for ten years before being able to have a Pap smear. Many doctors asked me during that time if I was abused. I’ve tried to break through memories. I get almost catatonic when I try and feel very small. Therapists never seem to want to try too hard-probably for their protection and mine. I tried EMDR, but nothing. Except that this time is when I first started experiencing panic attacks. What are your thoughts on “trying” to bring them up?
I don’t think it is a good idea to force through your defenses to bring them up. However, you can build relationships with your inner parts and build some trust with your defenders, which can allow for the sharing to begin. If you would like to discuss that more, feel free to email me at beatingtrauma@gmail.com and we can talk about it in a free consultation.
Hi Sarah,
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I also have come late (after decades) to the realisation that I was sexually abused as a child. Whilst some memories have come up (and it’s painful when they do) much is still a memory “white-out” where I am aware of significant blank spaces in otherwise vivid memories, or the things I do remember it’s clearly because it was different to the “white-out” times – as in no abuse occurred the times I do remember.
I have needed to learn to trust myself that when I am ready things will emerge – that trying to excavate them will only be further abuse to the frightened child inside me who has no one she can trust. I have learned that I must be trustworthy in my consideration of this internal child’s fear. So I don’t dig, I have good support for when things are ready to come up.
The thing that has helped me most (I’ve worked hard at recovery, including decades of talk therapy) has been a dozen sessions of equine therapy with someone who is a trauma specialist. It has been life-changing. I no longer feel the need to go digging, I know enough of what happened to me; and I know that whatever other memories come up over my life I will be able to handle and seek help with. Importantly the CSA I survived no longer defines me, it is simply a part of me. It doesn’t feel good, but nor does it tear me apart as it used to.
I wish you well. Hope endures for a healing journey…
Kindest regards, Kristin
Needed this! My body is shaking too so it really hit home. Thank you for writing, Elisabeth!
Thank you Paula. The truth can be so powerful.
Thank you …
I be thought I was finished with this work …But,clearly,there is more to be revealed !
Lorna
Thanks for this Elisabeth. I love the points you make here… just for my own use – to explain that to myself. I have often questioned if my “memories” are accurate or not… and worry about telling them to people just in case… but have recently opened up, especially in our group. Thanks for all of the work you continue to do to support and encourage people like us.
I am so glad this post and the group are helping you. These memories are so hard to believe and integrate when we have worked diligently to create a new reality. Thank you for your courage.
Hi Elisabeth, thank you for posting on a very difficult and miss-understood topic. I have repressed memories, I did not remember a great deal of my abused childhood, until I was 27 years old. At the time I did not know what was happening to me, and those whom I sought out for assistance, did not know how to be effective in helping me. I went for a many more few years believing that I had dealt with what was ever hidden. But, I was rocked to my core when a series of traumatic events occurred in a very short space of time caused a deluge of more hidden childhood traumas. The second round was far worse than the first and I have been told that I have more to come. The reason for this statement is that I suffer from a compound fracture of the spine and was told that I had to be in a car accident or bashed, as a child . After stating I had not been in a car accident and relaying as much of my childhood abuse as I could, I was surprised by the specialist’s response, when he told me that the event that caused it had to be far worse then what I was telling him. The injury was caused by one horrific event, enough to crush my spine. I was told I would have been in excruciating pain and unable to walk for a period of time! I have NO memory whats so ever, of suffering such a debilitating painful event. I was told to make sure I keep a good counselor on hand and have good supports for when ever, if ever I remember. The problem with helping people with repressed memories is, that they would just medicate you to the max. This would just cause you to repress the memories even more and and stop you from expressing all of the pain, trauma and tears. I believe that this response to healing was and is totally ineffective. Now the experts believe guided help with the memories should be encouraged and that expression of the pain and trauma is far more helpful for one to move forward in the healing process. The only time that medication should be given is when one is self harming or suicidal. Counselors that don’t believe in working through repressed memories should be avoided, if you want full healing. By not allowing a victim a voice (by exploring the memories) will only causes them to remain as a victim. Once a person is able to uncover hidden painful memories, with support and understanding, they can begin to heal properly. A voice to the trauma is the most effective medicine of all. Otherwise all other attempts to suppress them is just putting a band aid over a festering sore. The more you remember, the more you learn to express how that person/persons hurt and harmed you, and how it affected you, the truth will eventually set you free. Anyone with repressed memories has 2 choices, work hard to be free from them ( it is not easy at all, but you can get to other side) or 2, shove them down and ignore them ( when in fact they will plaque you in some form or another for the rest of your life). So basically you can either spend a few years clearing house, or you spend the rest of your life hoarding the garbage and useless stuff in your home ( inner self), until it weighs you down so much, that you cannot function as the person you should be.The mind and body will tell you when you are ready, make a plan, find the right supports and know memories cannot kill you, uncover the lies embedded in your brain and tell yourself the truth, that you are of value and worth and deserve your voice.
Thank you for your comment Kerri. It is right on point in my opinion. I believe most of this memory recovery can happen as we build relationships with our inner parts. And you are right that the alternatives will not heal us.
Denial is a part of the grief process, and grief is an important part of coming to terms with having parents who didn’t protect us. Denial means the pain is too great. Instead of responding to the doubts with an internal debate about what is true or not, I think it makes more sense to recognize it as an indication that the pain has become too great to cope with and it is time to invest in more self-comforting strategies. The hard part about memories of abuse is usually they are our memories alone. Most other memories are a kind of collective memory–especially our childhood memories. We talk over the past with other people who were there and within the group, a narrative emerges that seems to fit what everyone remembers about it. With childhood abuse, we were the only ones willing to acknowledge. It is only our own story, and I think we have to live with the uncertainty of that. Having served on several juries, I know that eye witness accounts are not accurate in every detail. And sometimes these details are very important. Someone remembers blue shorts, but they turn out later to have been black. It looked like a gun, but later turned out to be a wallet. One holocaust researcher (who was hidden as a child during the holocaust) reported having a scene recounted to him by an Aushwitz survivor which was entirely lifted from Schindler’s List. Certainly, the survivor lived through horrors, but the exact nature of those horrors had become blurred. He no longer really knew what happened to him.
Sometimes we are scared, and our minds feed us scary thoughts. My imagination was not always kind. It did not always feed me unicorns and rainbows. I remember lots of ghosts and snakes and spiders crawling all over me. The fear was real, but the stories about it were not real.
I don’t know how much of what I remember was true. There are many things I think probably did happen, a few things I am quite sure definitely happened, and one or two things I think probably didn’t. Part of being a survivor is living with that uncertainty. I was the only one who lived through that, in a sense, and I have no one to compare notes with and no physical evidence of anything. I still need to live my life the best I can and make the best decisions I can, even with that uncertainty. I cannot simply say, “It might not have happened,” and then go on with life as if it did not, because it also might have. I think that is one of the forms of grief of being a survivor in the first place. In normal families, there are shared memories. Other, lesser tragedies, are shared in healthy families. You talk to siblings about divorces, about deaths in the family even, you can talk to your parents about ways they betrayed you. In families that are so dysfunctional the children are assaulted rather than protected, this doesn’t happen. You have no shared history with anyone, not even the people you lived under the same roof with. I think that is a very real loss and a very real source of pain.
Thank you Ashana. Your concept of shared memories makes so much sense.
I really related to what you’ve said about having no shared history, Ashana. And that the abuse memories are ours alone. I have vivid memories of each kind of abuse I endured. Who and when and where. Some of those had to be shared with people who were trained to protect children, but one was never shared with anyone. I know they are my memories and experiences and I’ve tried to process them as best as I can with therapists and such. And I’ve lived with uncertainty too. As an adult, the divorce lawyers and court systems tried in vain to discredit my spousal abuse stories — especially psychological abuse — and that nearly drove me insane because there were not many people who knew about that. Yet I was able to heal from that experience because just one person believed me wholeheartedly.
I have several adult siblings yet none of them are safe people to share with or to rely on for accurate stories because of age differences and such. I’ve learned to accept that I may never truly know the absolute truth about my parents, for example. And I have to be OK with that. And it is a real sense of loss for me. Almost like I’m an orphan with no insight into my past at all.
Thank you for your comment. It is really meaningful to me.
This was very interesting to read and explained very well! Thank you for sharing it with us.
Several years ago I was seeking treatment for severe depression from a gynecologist using hormone therapy. I’ve suffered from major chronic depressionfor, which stems from childhood sexual abuse and incest, for most of my life. I have been hospitalized countless times and been in some form of treatment for decades. When I decided to try the hormone therapy, which by the way was useless, I remember saying to the doctor, “I can’t help but think I’m choosing this (mental illness).” He said to me something I will never forget, “Who would choose this?”
Thank you Jackie. That is a powerful and erroneous statement from your doctor. The majority of the world chooses their “mental illness”, defenses and self sabotage over the recovery process. Recovery is painful, but most don’t realize that recovery is not nearly as painful as the process of defending against it. Sending my love and light to you on your journey.
It is so comforting to read other reports of a similar experience. My detailed memories of childhood abuse (physical and emotional) did not begin to surface until my early 40’s. My husband struggles with fully believing my “stories.” That creates tremendous tension and conflict within our marriage of 30 years. He has researched online finding articles that state I could be having false memories. My only sibling died almost 22 years ago and my mother died 4 years ago. I have nobody alive to validate my memories of my father abusing me throughout childhood and of course he denies hurting me. I have a “feeling” inside that I may have additional memories of possible sexual abuse but I cannot seem to find them. For years, I was able to go about life pretending to be comfortable around my father knowing I wasn’t but not fully certain why. Now I know recognizing that my “little girl” surfaces in his presence and actually even if he is mentioned in conversation. I struggle to allow my adult self to step up and protect that little girl. Therapy was working until my psychologist retired and I needed to seek someone new. That in itself is a story with a negative result because I learned she was also representing my father in therapy without my knowledge. It became evident her focus was to help him set a goal of connecting with me rather than helping me connect and cope with my past. If I regress to burying my memories again, my marriage is happy and thriving. It is too painful for me to seek a new therapist at this time, work on existing memories, and dig up new ones knowing it puts my marriage at risk. For now, it is easier to block it out and go about life. My adult self knows this may not work forever but I feel like I have come to a road block without my husband’s support and fear of losing him.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this much invalidation Bonnie. You don’t deserve that. It is hard for us as survivors to allow ourselves to the right thing for us instead of others. We are so used to doing things for others. But that level of invalidation is also abusive. Read this blog too about how invalidation happens. Maybe it will help. And if you ever change your mind, I do offer coaching sessions to help survivors with this type of work.
I found my recent experience of recovering parts of my childhood long missing like putting together pieces of a puzzle. I have coped with my long, hard, lonely journey by writing poetry. I would like to share one I wrote about memories of the body, which for me are the most reliable…
MY BODY KNOWS:
My body knows the story
My body keeps the score
Of memories so scary
They haunt forever more
My body knows the dialogue
That I have never heard
It doesn’t breathe a sound of it
It doesn’t have the words
My body knows the truth
And screams to let it out
But the messages get muddled
With things all mixed about
My body knows the force
Of being torn to pieces
It bears the many scars
And keeps the many secrets
My body knows the horror
Waiting in the dark
But it’s not sure it should tell me
In case I fall apart
My body knows the story
My body keeps the score
And I don’t have a say in it
No say in it at all….
I love this poem! Thank you so much for sharing it! It is such a difficult journey with memory repression.
Thanks so much Elisabeth, it’s a long and tortuous journey that is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced this. I had very few memories of my life between the ages of 4 and 8, but filling in the black hole has been so challenging and confronting. Thank goodness for websites like this 🙂
Thank you Cathy! You are right. It is so hard to explain how difficult this journey is.
Cathy, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words. There are verses that brought me to tears, and some took my breath away because they are so incredibly relatable and reflect the reality of what I have been experiencing in my own journey. By sharing your truth, you’ve also put words to mine. The process you’re describing is so painful and horrifying and isolating, and I want you to know that even though we don’t know each other, you’re not alone in this. <3
Thankyou
Your a very strong intelligent lady.
There are so many people who can be helped by your work.
Your an inspiration.
Thank you so much Lyn!
Thank you for sharing. It is so comforting and reassuring to have some of the same thoughts and experiences echoed back to you from another source.
Thank you so much!
I just wanted to share this response from a theropist. I won’t go in to details as it is not my story but this response was so helpful and I thought sharing it might help others…Thankyou for sharing this difficult story with me. You are amazing for being so honest with yourself and with me. it’s hard to talk about isn’t it? It is very sad to read and hear about your experience as a toddler.
The first step can be to remember and to know it’s true. That this did happen to you. That can give you lots of strong feelings and reactions. It’s kind of good to react to bad things that have happened. So your body can say ‘NO’ that isn’t right for me. That was bad for me. Yuck!
Thank you Lucy.
I was ritually abused in nursery school then experienced incest for years. I was institutionalized for 38 months though therapy there was non-existent and no one seemed to wonder why every other patient came after me and left before me and I never, ever healed. I had few memories of all but the mildest of my abusers and though one was prosecuted his abuses paled in comparison to the others. I am only now at 46 starting to get memories of some of the tortures experienced at nursery school besides all the sexual abuse. Animal torture made to seem like it was our fault, locked on dark cold stairs, spiders…just a few and I think at times I am simply making up stories because we were a nice family or so I thought. Though my own mother sexually abused me. I don’t know how to bring up the memories and have the feelings attached so I can release them. I think i am getting sicker daily instead of better. I am afraid I will succeed in killing myself as last time came far too close and I am tired of fighting a losing battle. I don’t know how to heal. And I am afraid I am drowning. Maybe I want to fail or die? I am so alone. I need help.
Hi Cee, I am so sorry to hear of all you went through. Getting memories back can be extremely difficult to handle with the emotions that inevitably come with them. Send me a private message when you have a chance at beatingtrauma@gmail.com and I can give you some tips for handling them.
Elisabeth…my fear is 2 fold. I know I don’t want those memories back and I know why. My concern about not getting them back is I’ll never be completely whole and will ruin the chance of becoming what God had planned before humans began destroying her.
What are your thoughts on letting those sleeping dogs lie?
I understand the fear. It is normal in this work. But I can tell you that sleeping dogs never really lie when it comes to repressed memories. They will live under that surface and impact your life. They will create your life patterns from the unconscious and make it almost impossible to attain the life you want. Memory recovery is painful, but it is the way to break through to your best life.
Hello. I live in Cyprus but am originally from the UK. I have no memories of my childhood before age 12 or 13. I was always aware of this. I have just turned 50. Two years ago I almost lost my 16 yr old son in a motorbike accident and at the same time started having nightmares about abuse in my family. My father died when I was 24. I dismissed them but it all seemed to make sense and explain the disaster I have made of my life. I sought help but not much is available here. My brother confirmed he was abused by my father and has actual memories. He has walked away from me as i told our mother. It broke her but she talks to me. I am lost.no money…nowhere to turn..and no one to confirm my memories. Yesterday I planned my death. Today I see a doctor but have little hope. I do not care that I may have been abused but the crippling sudden bouts of depression I go through are hell. My son knows and he is the only thing I got right so far. Sorry for long post x
I am so sorry Emma! Please know that there is hope. When you feel like there is no hope, it is a flashback from your childhood. You can find a way out. Stay with us and try writing from the message in the depression. It can help to get the message from it.
Thank you for this. I recently started therapy because I thought I had developed bipolar disorder. We’ve discovered that my symptoms are due to childhood trsma and not bpd. I have constantly fought to convince myself that the first time I had an outer body experience, when I was molested by an older kid, was just something I made up. But now, I truly believe it was real. It’s been painful experience to accept it, but I feel like I have had several tons of bricks lifted off of my mi nd.
Thank you for writing this.
It is so relieving when we realize there is more to our story under the surface and everything can finally make sense. I am glad you are finding your truth.
I just relived a traumatic sexual assault that happened when I was 8 years old. I am 50 and undergoing PTSD therapy. I have incredible memories that go back to about 2 years old, many of observing family violence, many of being bullied and beaten at school or in my neighborhood…. so I was taken by complete surprise by this trauma. I had wanted to understand why I could not pee in a public urinal, why I had to use a stall and lock the door, why I feel more comfortable sitting down facing that door so no one can hear me peeing. I just assumed some boys must have given me a really hard time between the second and third grades, so I wanted to find out what it was that had created this peculiar but manageable behavior.
Well I was just unprepared for the down load of the assault and once I could see who it was, everything made sense. The attack affected my sexuality, affected the race of the people I am attracted to, affected my feeling safe in bathrooms, affected who I chose to date ( never dated men bigger than me that I thought could physically over power me) and on down the line.
One of my “friends” / coworker immediately questioned if it was a false memory? How incredible deflating.
I already felt shame and guilt because I blamed myself for the attack, if I was not gay, he would have left me alone, if I had not been friendly to him, If I had rebuffed his many previous acts of putting his hands down my pants more aggressively, If I had been stronger and been able to fight him off… so being accused of this being somehow a false memory really upset me.
So I contacted 4 of my FB friends from grade school, about this boy, I know his first and last name I know he had been actively grooming me which I detested and rebuffed for months. But I wanted more validation. Two of them remembered him, one gave an exact description of his behavior and abusive home life…. So at least I have that.
I never told anyone and I have guilt that maybe he hurt more people after me? I wan to know what happened to him.
I want to know how I can integrate this into my being after 42 years of keeping it hidden.
I didn’t want to remember this… I needed to remember this.
I want to be whole again.
I know this is a process, this is only my first week, yours is the first thing I have read in that time that is affirming and positive and supportive.
Thank you.
That guilt isn’t yours to carry. You responded as so many children do. You had no choice. Don’t listen to the nonsense about false memories. That foundation was created by people who have a vested interest in keeping people quiet. Write the memory down. Allow the emotions to express also. The more you can stay with your memories, the more things will make sense and you will heal. I am glad you were validated by this blog. And if you would like more help, you can reach me at beatingtrauma@gmail.com anytime.
I relate and when I read the following, my thoughts were, “Don’t you mean how THEY handled it?
“This recent discovery of Dissociative Identity Disorder has led to a much better understanding of my past and how I handled it.”
I was diagnosed with DID when it was called MPD back in 1990. Still in therapy, although I have left on a few occasions which was probably not good. Guess We learn when it is time to handle it! Not leaving this time until We are as healed as much as possible. I am a 73 year old male, now, and am struggling with the information that 4 particular Insiders (Girls) have been informing me about!
Thank you Lari. I did mean how I handled it – as in how I chose to split to handle it. But I definitely don’t mean that in a self-blame kind of way. It is a survival mechanism and it is truly remarkable. It kept me alive and I am grateful for it. I am glad you are sticking with your therapy. It is a long process for us.
I saw this on Facebook. One of your first blog posts I read and one of the most helpful. I’m still fairly quiet about my experiences. But the truth of the body is real. Thank you
Thank you Jaime!
Wow. I asked myself whether it would be okay to find out what happened to this my when it got too scary to remember. My blood ran cold – the only other time this has happened is when a bear came to camp at night. Just – wow.
There is so much fear about our repressed memories in our systems. Our defenders are terrified.