How?
For most of us, the recovery journey starts as a venture in to the world of feeling. Our poor bodies have been numb for so long, we don’t have any idea what it feels like to feel. It is like being an infant exploring emotions for the first time. Of course, there is a huge difference. We have defense mechanisms and they are well-honed. Dissociation has been our fast friend, and leaving that behind sounds like a horrible idea.
So we spend our time discovering our feelings. We re-examine our default stance of “I am fine” and feel some very hard emotions. How does grief feel? How does anger feel? How does shame feel? How does true happiness feel … not the masky kind? The bad emotions feel awful and the good emotions feel awkward. As time passes, we slowly become experts in how we feel. We may also learn that how we feel is not necessarily a representation of this moment. We may also learn that the traumatic emotions don’t always need a trigger. Sometimes they are just there.
This tolerance for emotions is an incredible shift in our lives. We can learn so much through understanding how we feel. But this is the start of the journey. While learning how we feel will give us access to our traumatic response, learning why we feel that way is how we stop the traumatic response. I know what you are thinking. I feel that way because of my trauma. What else do I need to know? But what if I told you each emotion has a reason. What if I told you we can shift those emotions for good by asking one simple question.
Why?
Why do I feel like this?
When your inner parts are willing to share emotions with you, they are often willing to share the reason. Maybe not at first, but eventually, if you open your mind to what they have to share, you can learn the reason. And when you learn the reason, you have the power to transform the emotion.
Let me give you an example:
Last summer was not good for me. I spent most of it with a feeling of futility and hopelessness following me around. At first, like always, I was enmeshed with the feeling. I was sure they were about the present moment and my thoughts had convinced me all the ways my current life was completely hopeless. At some point, I had an epiphany. I realized the feelings were old and had nothing to do with my current reality. That was a huge breakthrough. I still feel it sometimes, but this realization started to turn the tides by lessening the impact on my daily life dramatically.
And I realized I was embodying some bad stuff. And it was holding me back. I was not able to manifest the life I truly wanted because my energy was saying, “There is no point in trying.” Honestly, up to this point, I thought I had recovered all the memories I was going to recover. To be fair, I have thought this many times along this journey. Sometimes, my inner defender can be so convincing. And when I am inundated with futility, my inner defender is even more convincing. But I started to realize that I had work to do. So I dove in deep. I found the inner part who felt this way and I asked for the reasons why.
And suddenly, I was recovering a string of memories that were meant to prove my inner part right. They all focused on the times I tried to make things better, but nothing got better. In some cases, my attempts to make things better even backfired. It wasn’t pretty. And it was easy to understand why this inner part felt this way.
But there was a catch. Most of these events were random events. They weren’t punishment for my attempts to make my life better. They were just things … things that happened at inconvenient times. Granted, some were nasty attempts by my family to sabotage my life. But even then, none of these memories represented the reality of my current life. And none of these memories were my fault or a result of some innate evil I carried.
So as I explained these new perspectives to my inner part, my deeper perception began to shift. She learned that it wasn’t her fault, she wasn’t being punished, her attempts to make life better were not entirely futile, and she never had to put up with those family members again.
Slowly but surely, the futility lifted and motivation came back. I was able to find a semblance of the motivation I had once known. But this motivation was less manic and more grounded. I had pulled through a difficult period of emotion because I dared to ask my inner part the ultimate question in this journey.
Why?
And more importantly, I dared to listen to the answer.
Mindblowing Stuff:
The bad emotions feel awful and the good emotions feel awkward. As time passes, we slowly become experts in how we feel. We may also learn that how we feel is not necessarily a representation of this moment.
When your inner parts are willing to share emotions with you, they are often willing to share the reason. Maybe not at first, but eventually, if you open your mind to what they have to share, you can learn the reason. And when you learn the reason, you have the power to transform the emotion.
At some point, I had an epiphany. I realized the feelings were old and had nothing to do with my current reality. That was a huge breakthrough. I still feel it sometimes, but this realization started to turn the tides by lessening the impact on my daily life dramatically.
And I realized I was embodying some bad stuff. And it was holding me back. I was not able to manifest the life I truly wanted because my energy was saying, “There is no point in trying.”
when I am inundated with futility, my inner defender is even more convincing
Slowly but surely, the futility lifted and motivation came back. I was able to find a semblance of the motivation I had once known. But this motivation was less manic and more grounded. I had pulled through a difficult period of emotion because I dared to ask my inner part the ultimate question in this journey.
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I did my paper on repressed memories at law school. I know they are real. This is fascinating.
You are so clear.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. And thank you for picking that topic! We have so much education to do on repressed memories and their validity.
I feel a bit like a broken record… but I totally get this. I didn’t even know that I didn’t feel emotions really until recently.. and yes… it’s VERY awkward to feel them… especially if they are good ones because then my mind is like, “Wait a minute… we need to worry about… SOMETHING, surely!”. It is really frustrating and can be a bit discouraging at times. I have been reading, ‘The Power of Now’ and it’s been very interesting and he talks about observing your thoughts/feelings in the moment and so I have been trying to do that a bit. I am feeling hopeful after reading that you experienced some similar things and were able to work through it. Looking forward to the group!
Thank you Victoria. I am looking forward to the group too. I am actually really excited about it. And you can bet we are going to work on thought observation as a part of it. 🙂
Masking all emotion gave me the strength I needed for a very long time to survive. For many years it was automatic, and indiscriminate. I had no idea that this was what I was doing, but I did feel ‘indestructable’. Sadly though I also felt numb, cold and empty. I always felt misunderstood, I always felt ugly and alone. Later, I recognised the tactic, but continued to refuse ’emotion’ to find it’s way through, feeling ‘safer’ this way and putting up with the hollowness. But as part of my healing process I am now trying to bring a little warmth and colour to my world by allowing feelings in. It is hard. I still have to fight the urge to smother emotions when I begin to feel their presence. I fight for the control that kept me safe before, So I reassure my inner parts that it is OK to feel these feelings now, and not to push them away. Your words here encourage me to ask more questions and to listen carefully to the answers so that I can understand and discover more. Thank you.
You have so much powerful awareness of yourself Olive. Thank you!
Thank you for this Elisabeth. As always I got loads from it and really appreciate your wisdom and knowledge. I too am finding that I am asking myself “what is this I’m feeling and what’s it about?” Sometimes I can really get to the core of it and I can do this much more effectively when I am walking, for some reason. I have noticed recently that, more often than not, my management team will provide a big blank or something urgent will come up to try to prevent me from digging deeper. I’m so much more aware of this now but still find it hard negotiating with them…it feels like I don’t know how to do it or my dialogue with them feels forced. I have such a tendency to over work and try too hard and I know this is tripping me up. This too though is just another defense…not trusting the journey and trying to control it all. So frustrating! Anyway thanks again. I’m off on my hols tomorrow. Really looking forward to working with you when I get back.
Thank you Emily. I am so glad you are asking the questions. The answers will come easier over time. I hope you have an amazing holiday. And I am looking forward to working with you too.
Thank you Elisabeth for relating your experiences with feelings and dissociation.
My family had always told me, “You can’t feel that way”. So from an early age I stopped feeling.
It took 15 years of time in recovery for me to begin to feel my feelings. At first I would notice particular emotions in others around me. For me the first times feeling anger was like a stereo turned up to full volume. Very intense.
When I was going thru my divorce I was at a picnic talking with someone and had to excuse myself as it was the first time I could recall dissociating in the moment. I was there physically, yet my focus was elsewhere. I became aware of it for the first time in the moment.
I have 2 friends now that are supportive.
Today, I can feel sadness, happiness and joy in the moment.
Thank you so much for your comment Paul. This is an amazing understanding of the progression of emotional awareness. I have never thought about whether I noticed emotions in others first. I will have to give that some thought.
Elisabeth,
One thing I learned about in early recovery was projection. You spot it you got it. Things in ourselves that we identify with, whether we like it or hate it is easier in the beginning to see in others first.
In my case I saw a great deal of anger in my cousin first, before feeling it myself.
Paul
Yes! I talk about projection often. That is a great way to spot our emotions. I noticed my inability to handle my daughter crying was caused by keeping my inner child from crying. When I let my inner child cry, my daughter’s crying didn’t trigger me anymore.