What the Abusers Don’t Want
When we go through trauma in childhood, our interpretation can take one of two extremes. It can all seem so random. It can make us feel like the most unlucky people on the planet. How could so many bad things happen to one child? In most cases, we “figure out” that it was all our fault. On the other extreme, it can seem like dark magic. We can believe that others were given powers to use against us. These powers are not beatable based on our life experience and capabilities. Once again, we “figure out” that it was all our fault.
In reality and as usual, the answer is somewhere in the middle. Those bad things didn’t happen to us because something was wrong with us. And those bad things didn’t happen because our abusers were all powerful and we were not. The circumstances that landed us in that situation were not our fault, but they were certainly planned. And while our abusers were not all powerful, they were more powerful than a child, and what they said to us was certainly planned.
I am not suggesting that they consciously wrote out a project plan outlining all the details of how to traumatize us for life. Most of the planning happens on an unconscious level with abusers. They access their own unconscious trauma and use those same tactics on us. And those tactics use an uncanny understanding of child development to brainwash us in to believing it was all our fault. They also convince us that there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Nobody is going to help us.
So we grow up with these beliefs that we attract abuse and there is nothing we can do about it. Great! How are we supposed to live a decent life like that? After trying many approaches to beat our past and establish real connection, we often give up. And what does giving up look like? Isolation. And guess what. This was planned too. Our abusers wanted nothing more than to keep us isolated in childhood and adulthood. If we don’t have community, we can’t heal. If we can’t heal, we can’t speak up. How perfect for them.
We choose isolation for a reason. We have learned that human connection is scary so we employ defense mechanisms to keep isolated. How do we keep ourselves separated (both physically and mentally) from the rest of the human race? Here are some of my personal strategies:
- The superiority complex. I am really good at convincing myself that I am better than others. I reject them first so that I won’t have to be rejected by them.
- My trauma is different. I can’t possibly relate to others because my trauma is so much worse. And this also works in reverse. I can’t possibly relate to others because my trauma isn’t as bad as theirs.
- The inferiority complex. They won’t like me anyway. I am not good enough because I am a single mother, I don’t work in a corporate job, I had a messed up childhood, insert reason here.
- There is nothing to talk about. I don’t want to talk about my past and I hate surface conversations about the weather, so that leaves me with nothing to say.
- My inner parts won’t cooperate. I will go to that party and start connecting with someone and my mean girl will get scared and wreck havoc. So why bother?
- General exhaustion. I am just too tired from this recovery work to go anywhere and meet anyone.
Elisabeth,
Your blog has opened unheard wounds of shame.
All my teen and adult life I have told my story countless times and always from a factual standpoint. Then one day quite recent, I realized that I was not owning, in my body, that I have experienced complex trauma. I always told people from an “out of body” viewpoint . I owned it all logically. Recently I have come to a realization that it has to be a complete package deal. For the first time, I am beginning to FEEL the emotional recovery ..I am proud to say I feel like I am so blessed to begin picking up my fragmented self and owning every piece. I am a Survivor.I dance in my trauma and my inner child is smiling.
So many people spend their lifetimes telling their story from their head. I am watching you open to the rest of the story and I am so proud to know you. I have no doubt your inner child is smiling.
Thank you for sharing about how isolation is so bad for healing, I try to overcome it daily. Where you wrote “if we don’t have community we can’t heal, if we can’t heal we can’t speak up, How perfect for them. If you live with someone who wants you isolated and your so down you can’t live alone I believe that is a trauma with no way out. I am looking forward to the 8 wk awareness group.
Thank you for your comment. I completely agree. Isolation is how they keep you down. I look forward to having you join us in the group. If you have any questions about it, feel free to email me at beatingtrauma@gmail.com.