This past week was a rough one. I have been thrown off my game. I have been less responsive to emails. I have barely kept up with my daily tasks. We have been eating out way too often because I can’t get it together to prepare food at home. I have been stressed, disorganized and not myself.
But there’s a reason. This week I discovered that my kids had brought home pinworms. It isn’t something people want to talk about. I think many people are ashamed about it. It is disgusting. But there’s a problem with not talking about it (especially within the local community). It is highly contagious. As a matter of a fact, it is more widespread than lice. And it is much harder to spot. The symptoms can be mistaken for so many other things. So when we don’t talk about it and educate people about it, it will be spread more easily. People won’t know they have it, so they won’t remedy it.
As usual, I am willing to say what others don’t want to say. My family had pinworms this past week. And I was not an exception. While there are several simple treatments for them, they don’t kill the eggs. And ingesting one egg can start the cycle again. So I spent the week battling pinworm eggs. I have been known to be obsessive when I am not faced with invisible worm eggs as an adversary. So you can only imagine my response to this. I was blessed with several sunny days in a row, so I drug everything that wasn’t nailed down to the back yard. (The eggs die in sunlight.) I bleached the house with Clorox. I washed every fabric item in the house multiple times. I did everything within my power.
And while all this obsessive cleaning kept me more than busy and took me away from my normal tasks, it wasn’t the biggest problem. The real problem was how much it triggered me. I found myself having a visceral reaction to this infestation. I had read on the internet about one man who considered ending his life over it. At the time I thought that sounded extreme, but in reality, I can see the triggers now. And I get it. And this is where my awareness helped stop the cycle of pain I was putting myself through. So what did these little worms trigger in me? Well … a few things.
There is nothing like a parasite to trigger the feeling that your body is not your own. I grew up with that feeling. It was horrible. Every child and adult should feel like they are in charge of their body. Even if it feels like the only thing, everyone should feel that. But a parasite attacks you at your core. And it does what it wants. It seems different than a virus or bacteria because it is a visible living separate being (which also makes it more disgusting). It does a great job at bringing all that original pain to the surface.
I am fighting a losing battle against an invisible enemy. Does that sound familiar? Whether it is mental illness or the original abuse, the powerlessness can take over? It starts to feel like a punishment from the universe. It starts to feel like one more way life is keeping me down. This is where the suicidal feelings can start.
That old feeling that “something is wrong with me” comes right back to the surface. Once again, it doesn’t help that nobody is talking about their own experiences with pinworms. It is estimated that at least half the population is dealing or has dealt with pinworms, but since nobody is discussing it, it is easy to feel alone and somehow damaged by this experience. And maybe that is why I am bringing it up. Just like with abuse, there is no shame in this and I am going to make sure others don’t feel it either.
Once I recognized these triggers, I decided to do something different, and the something different came in two steps.
1) I honored those past feelings and beliefs, but also let my inner parts know this was not the same as the past. I let them know I had power now. Things were not hopeless. I would fix this.
2) I “adulted”. I started on the internet. This is where I always start. I read some stories that scared me. That is the risk of the internet. I don’t recommend this kind of research right before bed. However, I found some interesting things. I determined it would be impossible to prevent a re-infestation by cleaning every single invisible egg from my house or expecting my two anxious children to keep their hands off their faces. So I took a step toward preventing it with an ingestible and holistic product that kills parasites (and most importantly can be ingested long term with other health benefits).
While it is too early to say we are out of the woods, I feel confident that we will beat this mess. I am also confident that by stepping up to the plate, my inner parts will grow more confident in my ability to handle “bad stuff”. My inner child will see me as the parent she never had. My inner defender will give me props for not giving up (sort of). And my external children will see me handling the trials and tribulations of life without freaking out. But it all started with awareness. I had to recognize that my reaction was a trauma response. I had to see the triggers. And I had to pull myself out of the hopelessness spiral that never stops until we end it.
But that is what awareness does. It comes to the rescue when nothing else will. So stay aware. Stay in your power. And take back your life and your response to it.
Rescue yourself. You are the only one who can.
I totally relate to this, you’ve expressed it well. While an infestation of pinworms didn’t trigger me this way, problems with yeast over the years has, for exactly the same reasons. It’s so great that you are drawing attention to this. The pinworms are just like abuse in terms of them being worse because of unnecessary shame and secrecy – good for you for changing that. I hope you have the space to nurture yourself this week – the aftermath of this sort of triggered frenzy can be exhausting.
Thank you! I have also battled systemic yeast. There are many of the same physical manifestations and solutions for both. That was also a bit of trigger because I was reminded of those experiences too. I am definitely practicing self care this week when I can. You are right. I am tired.
Spicy foods, we got them a few times growing up and all my Mom did to battle it was give us salsa and eggs, tacos etc. Gone within a day or two.
I have received several emails about the product I am using for pinworms. While I am no expert, I followed the instructions from Earth Mama’s World. I thought her approaches made so much sense. In this case, I chose to add the over the counter remedy as well. I like to go natural, but these worms had to go. I wasn’t taking any chances.
A note about Diatomaceous Earth: I do love this product. It has done so much for me in just one week. That being said, it is a cleanse. It will release toxins in to your system. It is absolutely critical that you drink water – lots of water. But there is another side to a cleanse that is often overlooked. Those toxins represent unhealed past emotions. So a cleanse can also have an emotional response. Allow the emotions. It will help you heal. Just be prepared.
I had a similar experience when I had bed bugs. I became obsessive about it yet overwhelmed with shame. I fought the problem alone for months before I had any success eliminating the infestation. I never contacted my landlord until after I fixed it myself. It never occurred to me that I could just ask them to have an exterminator come. After some time later, I had another scare where I saw two bed bugs. This was after much time in therapy and support groups and I had new tools by this time. I called my landlord immediately and they had an exterminator come out and spray a couple times. This time I never even had an infestation. I still struggle with fear of asking for help.
I could see how it would play out the same with bed bugs. And I have that same fear of asking for help. That is a huge one for me.
WOW again an amazing post. Your courage never fails to inspire me. Just thanks. Thanks for talking. In every post I am inspired by you in some way.
Thank you!!
Good article. Well written. Insightful.
Thank you!
This article helps is so many ways…good example of the process…I really like the way these experiences help us learn about ourselves and help inner communications
Thank you Dawn!
The more I read, the more I think you’re such a gift to us. I feel like since I have started to face some of my “stuff” and deal with it.. .lots of little “illnesses” have popped up. I recently said, “I feel like it’s a release of all that is toxic and built up inside of me”… my partner thought that a bit strange but then I see you mention a similar idea above. How interesting. Thank you again.
Thank you Victoria. That isn’t strange at all. The mind and body are intrinsically linked. Always keep that connection in the back of your mind when physical illness shows up.
My sister and I both had pinworms as children and I remember my but was SO itchy, it was relentless! I remember my mother and grandmother going crazy cleaning and boiling sheets. Good news is that the process worked the first time and we never got them back! Love and hugs as you go through this….
This post is older and we are not struggling with this at this time. I am grateful that we are not. Actually, I find it easier to deal with other issues because “at least it isn’t pinworms”.
The timing of this article is incredible for me. I just found a rat dropping on a step stool in my bathroom.
My world turned into a vortex of eradicating my house of everything and I have found nothing. This morning I was trying to think of a connection to childhood trauma but through this post I can identify with feeling powerless and shame.
I am so glad this article helped you. These are valid feelings based on our past trauma.