Determined to Escape
When I was 8 years old, I was determined. I guess that’s not surprising. I have always been determined. But at 8 years old, I was determined to solve problems that no child should ever have to solve. I was looking for a way out of my family. I wasn’t just determined. I was desperate. And I thought I had found the way. That summer, I made a friend in an older college-aged kid. He was safe because he was gay. And at the end of the summer, he was leaving for college. I was convinced he would take me with him.
I have no idea if he ever indicated he would take me. As an adult, I understand the absurdity in that. He would have been charged with kidnapping. Instead of going to college, he would go to jail and make enemies with my evil father. But as a child, I was convinced he was my ticket out of hell. I was sure he would save me. I finally had hope.
Not surprisingly, when he left at the end of the summer, I was devastated. I was partially devastated because the only person I could trust (or so I thought) was gone. But I was more devastated that I wasn’t going to be leaving my family behind. I was stuck there. And my hope was gone. The pain was so intense, I made an unsuccessful attempt at suicide the night he left. After that failed, I made a decision to repress my memories. That was the night that I forgot the pain of my past because there was no way I could cope with it.
For many years, I thought that was it. I put that pain in a special Pandora’s box, never to be opened. After that, any new abuse was stored in the same place. I had put in all away. I was done dealing with it.
Recovering What Was Lost
Of course, that was not the truth. I spent thirty years desperately trying to ignore my past while dealing with anxiety, depression, dissociation and emotional outbursts. And then I chose recovery. And I am glad I did. I have spent so much time with that 8-year-old. I have loved and cared for her. I have helped her to understand why she could not escape the family, why the college kid had to leave. I have told her that none of it was her fault. I have complemented her on her top-notch coping skills. And we have healed together.
My recovery has been a co-conscious process. By that, I mean that I can communicate with her while I am still conscious. I don’t lose time. I am here while she is here. When she writes, I am doing the writing. It is similar to channeling. And while I have to go back and re-read it to ensure I remember everything, I can absorb many of the words as they are written. If you have not tried this, this may sound bizarre, but this is inner part expression in a nutshell. I embody that part and allow them to communicate. But I am still present.
The Latest Discovery in my Journey
While I have never claimed or been diagnosed Dissociative Identity Disorder, I have worked with many who struggled through the realities of lost time and uncooperative alters. I have always related to them because my own parts have been fairly pronounced. But I have been a bit surprised by my latest discovery. In my latest round of memories, I have discovered that my 8-year-old has done more than store painful abusive memories for me. She has indeed taken over. I have lost time. Most of these “take-overs” happened when I was teens and twenties. And they had a similar theme.
She was still searching for that rescuer. If she sensed that someone could take her away from her life of pain, she would begin a desperate chase. Imagine a twenty-five year old acting like she was 8 years old while trying to get the attention of a potential rescuer. And of course, they were all male. And of course, they were not healthy. Going through these memories, I am doing my best not to cringe. I want to support her in her attempts to save herself, while at the same time, educating her about the need to take a different approach. And I am happy to report that these experiences halted when I started working directly with her in recovery (with one extremely infrequent exception).
But I can’t help but wonder if she would come back if faced with another abusive situation. She is the holder of my trauma, my freeze response, my lack of voice, my search for a savior. She holds it all. And while I am working to integrate it, I can’t know for certain what would happen. I want her to let me handle it as an adult, but I don’t know if she trusts me enough for that yet. Maybe that’s why she waited so long to let me see her “take-overs”.
So I move forward in recovery with yet another realization, a new understanding of my journey, a journey that now includes a full-blown alter and time gaps. And I continue to be amazed by the tremendous ingenuity of children in pain. And I continue to be a bit overwhelmed by how deep dissociation can run. Will I ever know everything? I am not sure. But I won’t stop here. I will keep moving forward in understanding. I will keep integrating and healing. I will keep bringing this information to others to release the shame and stigma of dissociation. I have not found a more powerful, complex and misunderstood phenomenon than what happens when children cope with trauma. So I will press on. And I hope you will too. Together we will figure this out.
If you are looking to establish a better relationship with your parts or alters, I offer one-on-one survivor guidance sessions to help you build awareness in your life.
I really feel both your acceptance and your overwhelm. And I believe it’s important that you feel both of them, not one or the other. As you know, integration is leaving behind the black/white thinking and feeling. Maybe the overwhelm has important things to tell you. Xo
I’ve been so out of my body the past 2 years, and the only way I’ve come to see that is by noticing the few times when I have been in my body. That sudden clarity that I’m part of the world around me is so sharp and distinctive, and leaves me wondering, “Where did I go?”
That question of where I go has helped in this process…because I can see that I didn’t/don’t go anywhere in particular. I just step back inside of myself very deeply. After a while, I sometimes get extremely sleepy. Do you ever feel that way? Not all the time, it depends on how much my flight is stimulated.
I believe that when I started to do this, I was too young to actually think of a place to “go” and so I just retreated. And then that pattern just continued on.
Most recently, just this past week, I’ve made the decision that I will stay in my emotions, stay in my fear and my shame and whatever else comes up in therapy. It’s the only way I can see to change. But it’s so hard to not take charge and be in control of how I’m reacting. To let down the defense of being held together. I feel it’s what my inner child needs — to be seen and not covered up. And then I can truly be the parent to her outside of therapy instead of being halfway there in both spaces.
That is beautiful. I am sure your inner child appreciates that decision. I think it is difficult to stay in it all the time though. Sometimes we have to back out of it and dissociate because we are processing or integrating something and we can’t take any further work on at the moment. I do get that sense of exhaustion at times. It does seem to be related to an inner integration. My body just can’t do anything else at that moment. So listen to your system. And don’t see it as a failure if you slip back in to dissociation for a while. It is a bit of a cycle.
I hear you on slipping back and wholeheartedly agree not to self punish because of it.
Somedays I feel such hope and other days such defeat. Very glad to have you and this community to share with.
I am incredibly grateful to have you here.
That is my life on this page. The child looking for safety, saving, attention. The desperation. Abused sexually and emotionally starting at 4 years old along with my 5 year old brother. He turned to drugs and died young in his despair at 42. At 58 I just started seeking help so I may live outside my protective bubble and save myself and the inner child who was never nourished. I always looked for someone to save me and fill the emptiness inside. I do well in my jobs have been successful and judged myself by what I do and how well I do it. Yet struggle still to get past the “bad Child who was so neglected and used as an object”. I was an innocent. And not a bad child. Which is harder to ingrain in my thoughts but Im trying. I want to really live, love myself and allow myself to be me. As I would accept a friend. Im in therapy and looking for every bit of support I can to get through. Thank you for your talk with Svava which brought me here to your site. And your wonderful site
I am so sorry for all you have been through, but I am so glad you found my site through Svava’s amazing conference. I look forward to your comments here. I LOVE meeting survivors and discussing our recovery journeys.
So much of what I read here really resonates with me. From what I remember of my childhood, it was pretty normal-as far as that goes. My parents were really wrapped up in themselves and not present for me or my brothers. My Dad drank alot and had an affair. My Mom was very angry – screaming at me and throwing things. I know that several men in my life were inappropriate with me sexually in minor ways. (I don’t remember any other abuse.) I have had problems for a long time with a lack of memories of my childhood and a feeling that part of me is blocked off and I can’t find a way to access it. The part of me that is blocked has my joy, playfulness and possibly trust in men in it.
I am sure she does. That sits under all the pain from what happened to you. It takes time to get there but it can be done. As you feel it, the real you can come forward.
While I never dissociated I can still relate to parts of your story. Thank you for your courage to talk about it.
Thank you. I have found these experiences to be on a continuum of sorts depending on the severity of our “stuff”. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Oh, I so needed to read this right now. After 4 years in counseling as an RA survivor, with a DID/CTPSD diagnosis, the past 3 weeks have FINALLY brought tears for the first time in my life.
The pain and the grief that’s associated with the tears is overwhelming, intense and scary and it’s hard to believe it’s been all locked away in different areas of my systems
With the loss of our mom at a young age and then the loss of my twin at age 9, these are both feeling like my core is bleeding but I can see it’s the parts that experienced all that and had to put it all away at the time. Of course there’s so much more to be felt but these 2 losses are front and center right now and apparently it’s one step at a time giving myself and my parts permission to feel and the grace to be where they are so that they can come through.
Such a complicated, difficult journey xox
Wow Janet. I am so sorry for those losses. That would have been incredibly traumatic for your inner children to deal with. Love and light to you as you heal.
I feel for your 8-yr old self. I have an 8 yr old alter that I consider to be my inner child…we were childhood friends. She is always looking for a Mom (she says hers left her). I try to work with her too, but is difficult to feel her emotions.
It is so difficult to connect in with the parts’ emotions. There is no doubt. But the more we do, the more we heal. Love to you.
All of this sounds like me. I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I think I should step back and pray. I don’t connect with the other person in me. She is demanding cries wants to die is jealous angry hurt She causes me so much anguish. She is dark.
She feels this anguish. It is her anguish because she was rejected by others and now is rejected by you. She needs you to hear her, understand her, accept her. It is in your acceptance of her that she will heal. And so will you. Love to you and your inner child.