I often mention the importance of self love and unconditional acceptance of all our parts. But I will be the first admit that not all parts are easy to love and accept. Sometimes I ignore a part because it makes my stomach crawl to consider I might embody those feelings. I have to work hard to bring them in to my awareness and embrace them with the same love I give the parts of me I can accept. I have so much trouble in accepting some parts it is hard to write it down here. But I know there is a chance that others struggle with accepting the same parts. So I will do it … for my survivor friends.
1) My inner cynic. I know how important it is to embrace what is and stop using all my energy to resist life. But I have one heck of a cynical part. There are days when I can feel the negative energy rising up in me. Sometimes I just want to watch a Matt Bellasai video and cheer him on. Sometimes I need to resist it all. Sometimes I need to complain about every little aspect of my life that isn’t perfect. And if I explain that away, I am resisting my resistance.
2) My inner serial killer. I wish this was a metaphor for something else, but it isn’t. You see, there are two types of rage. There is regular rage. I don’t have a problem with that. I can scream in my car. I can throw pillows. It helps me know when a new memory is coming. As long as my rage doesn’t come out sideways at others, I can be friends with it. But the white rage is a different story. It is some nasty stuff. It is the part of me that fantasizes about the deaths of my abusers, sometimes in detail. And while I know I will never act on it, it scares me to feel those feelings. I have learned that as humans, we embody everything to some extent. And I know we all have the part that is capable of murder. And accepting that is the ultimate form of self love.
3) My inner judger. I refer to this part as Judgy McJudgerson. (Don’t judge me about that.) She comes out in the grocery store sometimes. I don’t know what my problem is with grocery stores. Maybe it is the food. (I have never had a healthy relationship with food). Maybe it feels like driving on a highway where everybody is rude and cuts me off. Except in the grocery store, there is no large metal frame in between myself and others, so cursing at them is not an option. In these moments, I find my inner judgment getting louder. “Can you believe that woman is wearing that? Why are they stocking this shelf during the busiest time of day? When is this guy in line behind me going to get some boundaries and back his cart off my heals? Maybe I could give him an ‘accidental’ nudge.” There are plenty of judgments to go around. So I let them run their course, but I stay aware of where it is coming from.
4) My inner victim. As you may have guessed, this part is prevalent for me. I cannot count the number of hours, days, months I have spent with the feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. And I have to be honest, I hate those feelings. I hate them so much. My strong willful side wants nothing to do with it. I am an action-oriented person. And the dichotomy is enough to leave my head spinning. I can sit on the couch for two hours in a state of paralysis while listing my tasks over and over in my head. To me, this is what hell must be like. I just want to move on with life. I don’t want to sit with it any more. But my resistance will never make it go away. I know this. I must allow my inner victim to express her pain.
5) My inner sexually-confused part. I learned very early that I was only good for one thing. If I wanted any form of love, if I wanted to calm down a raging caregiver, if I wanted to be appreciated in any way, it must involve sex. When combined with an inability to say no, it was destined to be a problem. Unfortunately, those beliefs caused problems for me in my young adult life. I would flirt with authority figures. And it sometimes led to more than flirting. There were affairs I am not proud of. There were people I dated even though I had no interest in them whatsoever. All of it was an attempt to be accepted by those in power. These days, I don’t act out those beliefs, but I still see them running below the surface of my conscious. And they are shrouded in shame. That part of me needs my acceptance to stop feeling so much pain about her past decisions. She blames herself. And while she was an adult at that time, I know where those decisions came from. And I know it takes two to tango. So I give her a break about it. I let her know it is okay. And she is happy not to be judged … for the first time ever.
I know these parts need what everyone needs. These parts need love and acceptance. They need to know they are okay too. While I might cringe at the thought that I embody all the bad with the good, I must allow it and accept it. In doing so, I will release the trauma and the true strengths lying below the dysfunction will shine through. In doing so, I will be whole again.
Thanks Elizabeth for deciding to publish this despite how you feel. Yes it does help me to know that other people have these parts active in their lives too. All those parts had resonance for me. Kind regards, Peter
Thank you Peter.
Very nice post! Love your honesty.
Thank you Jenna.
Thanks for your honesty. Its a struggle to love all our parts.
Thank you Alexis!
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It feels good to know that I’m not alone in my struggle with similar issues. Thanks for your honesty
Anna
Thank you Anna. I really appreciate your support on this post!
It’s great to feel that am not the only 1 with these struggles thank you al find my strength again with the help of strong women like yourself am so glad a found you as when it’s all in your head it can be just to much thank u out ever so much Xxx
Thank you Carolanne. I am so glad this is helping you. You are very strong. Don’t forget it.
Hi Elizabeth,
I love to receive your emails. Even though it is painful to read some times you have the ability to articulate deep stuff which always resonates with me. In this piece I really identify with the inner victim, as I struggle to give “her” a voice. But you are right, we are made of many different parts and each is equally as important and valid. It is important to accept the uncomfortable ones and embrace all of ourselves cos ultimately we are all very beautiful inside even though we were led to believe we wern’t. Thanks Elizabth x
Thank you Yvette. Exactly! We are all very beautiful inside.
I wonder if they need to be liked, though, or if they just need to be taken care of. We usually judge others when we want to feel superior to them. We want to feel superior when we feel threatened and unsafe. So you go to the grocery store, everyone is up in your space (very scary), you see people who might look like your abuser (or not–it’s always a crapshoot), you can’t control what other people are doing at all, and you don’t really have control over how long it lasts, because they are restocking the shelves right where you need to be and there is the line you can’t predict. Also the line makes you feel trapped. Maybe you are just scared. Maybe you need more strategies to calm down in situations that feel out of control. Feeling superior is helping you cope with all that fear perhaps, and maybe you still need some other ways to bring the fear down. That’s just an example of a possibility. You don’t, I would guess, always like your kids when they are tired, cranky, hungry and not behaving their best, but you take care of them. What does your inner victim need? Maybe she needs something that will take a little bit of the edge off the pain. Maybe she needs a hot tea or a cuddly blanket. Maybe she needs some soft music. She needs, I think, someone who cares. When your kids are in pain, you don’t just listen to how they feel. You give them some comfort. It sounds like she’s not getting any comfort (as your lets-get-on-with-it part overwhelms her with everything she somehow has to face doing despite her hopelessness about the point of it all). Love isn’t just a feeling or the suspension of judgment, in my mind. It is responsiveness. That’s just another perspective, to take or leave.
I’ve noticed when I am in the kitchen washing dishes, I often have these waves of feeling worthless. Well, I know where they come from. I also know I am not worthless. Doesn’t make any difference. Those waves come anyway. But I have found if I look up at the ceiling, I feel okay again. So I just do that whenever one of them hits. I know why it helps–that’s not the posture of a child being abused. A frightened child looks down, not up. A child looking up is looking at someone who cares. I am activating a memory of being safe and cared about when I adjust my posture. That also doesn’t matter. It just works. It regulates my feelings. So I do it.
Hi there, I think it is a multi-faceted relationship with our parts, which I do believe are all born out of fear. I am speaking of the awareness and acceptance here. To me, that is a requirement before we can love and care for those parts. But you are right, the love and caring is a critical aspect to the healing. Thank you so much for this comment. You are hitting on an important part of the process.
I can’t fathom how I can accept, let alone love, a part of me that you apparently don’t have, and that is “my inner aggressor”. See, she lives right next to “my inner victim”. They often manifest themselves at the same time. The inner victim will scream how she feels powerless and unloved and the inner aggressor will come right after and take revenge blindly, hurting others in the process. I feel I can never ever forgive her for the things she did and does. How can one go on from there? How to deal with this part?
I am sorry if I gave you the impression that list was all-encompassing. It definitely was not. I have that part. I refer to mine as the inner abuser. She is the flip side of my inner victim. You are right. They are closely tied. I think my inner abuser comes out because of fear. She is my fear response. I am scared and she takes care of things by pushing people away with her anger and rage. I do love and accept her. She is trying to keep me safe in the only way she knows how. Of course, I also work with her (and other parts) to stop the reactive fear response. That is not easy. It is a big part of my parenting discussions. I work with people all the time who respond aggressively when scared. Think of an abused dog who is aggressive when someone tries to help. Maybe that can help you build some compassion for her. When she comes out, allow her to express her rage through writing or whatever form works for you. She needs to express when it is safe so she stops expressing when it is not a good time.
Hi Elisabeth,
I just got an email link to this page again, so I re-read the piece & posts by others.
I’m glad I did as I am learning so much about myself from what you and others are writing. Acceptance is soooooooooooooo hard. But I am determined to become whole. I think my inner victim is present as I keep thinking whats the point, I’m 47, my lifes neally over and ive not set the world on fire! How can I help her/myself?
Best wishes to all, yvette x
Hi Yvette, When I work with clients, I often tell them to allow that part to express through emotions or writing (or both). Believe it or not, it is through the embodied expression of the emotions that they start to turn and fade. Sending you love and light.
I’m right beside you in this struggle. Inner cynic – check. I actually have a bit of fun with this part while being sarcastic.
Inner victim – check. I get where you’re coming from in the powerlessness aspect. It’s so hard to feel that after fighting for years to gain empowerment.
The judge, rage, etc, is where I differ a bit because for me, these are all turned inward. And they’re the root of self harm, eating disorder, etc. It makes it difficult to really feel these emotions because if I let them take over, they’ll destroy me. I keep wondering if/when they’ll turn outward.
I completely get that. Can you embody those feelings but not let the thoughts get involved? When our thoughts feed off the emotions (and then cyclically feed them back), we can get lost in the emotions and start doing harmful things to ourselves. But when we can embody the emotions without the thought patterns, even journaling from the parts that have them, we can heal dramatically.
Yes, changing the cycle of thought –> emotion is definitely something I’m working through. 🙂 The bigger part for me is being with the team I’m working with throughout those emotions to experience that safeness and healing to help form new pathways. I do believe that I can intervene within the process, but it’s laying down the new pathways that I need help with. Does that make sense?
Just to clarify on the above…I can change the thoughts, it’s the emotions that I have a hard time changing. Even when the thoughts are changed, the emotions seem to be more hard-coded into my system.
I don’t know if the emotions can be changed – only felt. I have experienced healing as I feel them, but I have to keep the thoughts out of my way. Otherwise, I perpetuate it. Your experience may be different, but that has been mine.
Elizabeth, you have mentioned before how our past is very similar. I am working hard on processing memories. Your posts have been invaluable to get me through some dark memories. Every word in this post reflects how I feel. I’m so glad I found you and the other survivors. Note:I can especially relate to the serial killer thoughts, but like you I would never act on them.
Hi Alane, I am glad my writing is helping you. Keep processing through those dark memories and allowing your parts to express. It will make such a difference for you. Thank you for commenting and for finding this page. 🙂
Thank you again for a powerful re-post. There is much healing here.
Thank you Diane.
Hi Elisabeth, I have an Inner Judger that appears fairly often which I am trying hard to work with. I think this part might be the way she is because (I realise now) she must have grown up constantly hearing her caregivers judging others. I guess they would have probably been judging me too. Would this make sense? I have noticed very recently however that there were two situations where, without any pre-thought, I noticed something That set off a completely different reaction in me to that which I usually would have, which made me very happy. I noticed though someone’s window as I walked past that they had a massive tv screen. Instead of thinking ‘what do they need a screen that size for’ (I don’t have a tv at all) my thought was ‘Oo I bet that’s good to watch films on’. On the other occasion someone’s open fire was chucking smoke out of their house chimney pot. Instead of thinking ‘well that’s making a horrible mess’ I thought ‘Ah, I bet they’re cosy warm in there’. These immediate thoughts about things I know I would have been very judgemental of just a few months ago took me by surprise, have stayed in my memory, and have been very encouraging for me. But I still wonder why these more recent thoughts that came out of the blue were so different for me?
You must have been doing a great job of writing and expressing from your inner judger. The more we can let them express, the less they judge. And yes, you are right about where the judging came from. It usually comes from those who judged us or others in front of us when we were children.