The Inevitable Triggers
This week, I was triggered while doing this work. This isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. I always journal privately about my triggers. The writing is raw and emotional. It usually involves an inner part who is very unhappy. But this time, I also felt the need to write publicly about it. I wanted people to know triggers are a part of this work. It is the reality that comes with openly helping others.
I often refer to the “transformational relationship” as a source of healing. I first heard the term from my friend, Sandy Skelaney, in her TED talk. For those of us who want to help others, we take on a big responsibility. We need to interact with others in a new way for them. We have to show people who have experienced trauma that they can relate to others and the world in a more positive, vulnerable and trusting way.
Originally, I was naïve about that process. I was thinking I could just show others by example and they would get it. I thought that I could just love them until they got it. And while that may be part of it, I am learning that unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Everyone has a filter through which they view the world and others. And even the most seemingly trivial events or mishaps can bring up the triggers of the past. And there is nothing I can do to change that perception. That perception can only be changed by them.
Stop the People Pleasing
So I am learning that I have to build strength in a different way. I have to accept the fact that my approach may be painful for others. They may decide that I am crazy, mean or suspicious. They may decide to compare themselves to me and my life. They may decide that I am not here to help them. And they may feel pain about that. And I can’t resolve that for them. I can’t change their filter. As a matter of a fact, I can do absolutely NOTHING about it. I have to allow it to be. I have to allow them to work it out for themselves, even if it means hating me for now or forever.
And I can’t stand that. I didn’t get in to this work to make others feel pain. I am doing it for the opposite reason. While I understand that pain invokes change, I also know that it sometimes doesn’t. Sometimes it gets piled on top of the rest of it. I know this because I have done this with my pain.
But I also can’t stand it because of my own trauma. It is difficult to accept someone’s negative opinion of me because I feel unsafe. When I was growing up, I worked hard to make everyone like me. If they liked me, they would not hurt me (or so I thought). So when I feel the triggers, it is my inner child feeling unsafe.
Feeling Safe as Myself
And while I know that, it doesn’t change the feeling … at least not yet. In reality, everyone wants to be liked. But when I build a business of helping others and interact with more and more people, I am bound to get viewed through some not-so-pleasant filters. I am bound to be disliked by some. And I have to find a way to calm that inner child who feels unsafe.
I have to let her know that I will protect her. But I will not protect her by laying low. I will not protect her by telling others what they want to hear. I will not protect her by being the person that others want me to be. I will protect her by standing in my truth, even if it doesn’t work for others. I will protect her by clearing out my own filters that the world is generally unsafe, which can unfortunately be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I will protect her by handling the adult responsibilities that she just can’t handle as a child.
I will be the confident and trustworthy adult that she needs me to be. I will keep standing in my truth. And I will find a way to show her she is safe when the filtered opinions seem unfair. And I will keep moving through this process of recovery. And I will stay in the public eye. And sometimes it won’t feel good. But sometimes it will. And I will stay on this purpose-filled track because it is why I am here. And over time, I will be able to accept that the projections and pain of others is part of this Earthly existence. But I am still safe. And I am still making a difference.
I want to stand and cheer! This resonates! Thank you for writing it! I needed these words. <3
I am so glad! Thank you!
This was great! I am almost obsessed in some ways about keeping safe and only just beginning my recovery from the trauma i experienced as a child.
Safety is at the core of everything we do. It is the most basic need for children and it was not met for us. It makes sense that it is an obsession for you.
Honestly, all you posts feel so powerful to me. Thank you for being so wise and strong enough to speak. I don’t even know how to begin journaling. I write down my thoughts and they feel flat, unhelpful, mostly just a long complaint of sorts. Thank goodness for your insightful direction.
I tell people (especially my clients) to journal from the belief / emotion, instead of about it. Try to embody the feeling and start writing. Don’t sensor yourself. Let it flow. Journaling is so much more powerful that way.
completely relate to this xxx another connection for me 🙂
Thank you!
One of the greatest gifts to my recovery from addiction came from a woman who continued to love and nurture me no matter how many times I drank. She never took it personally. She knew and accepted the use of psychiatric meds. She was older and I could allow myself to accept her hugs unlike those of my Mother. She made me a fuzzy pink blanket that was my favorite color pink and had on it my favorite childhood candy, “Good N’ Plenty” but it had been altered to say, “I’m Good and Plenty.” I wrapped myself in that thing and kept it on my bed through a four-month court ordered treatment after my second DUI. She never abandoned me. That was new for me. She drove 45 minutes every week and took me out to a meal.
My own parents on hearing I had cancer left me to wake up alone in my room. My father, my perp, announced he had a headache and left on hearing the surgeon say he did the best he could given the incision he made. My drinking had been fueled by my abuse and my cancer. They fed off each other.
Your honesty is inspiring. It makes me sad you still want to please everyone: that is not possible. But, yes, you can love others into wellness. I am evidence of that. My dear sponsor who never abandoned me gave me the freedom of her unconditional love to make mistakes and so grow enough to love myself enough to want life. You are doing that here too.
I completely agree. When I talk about a “transformational relationship”, that is exactly what you had. I am so glad. But the other part to the relationship is that you had to recognize what she did for you. Some will see it. Some won’t.
Don’t ever stop writing. You are giving perspectives that have never been considered. Don’t stop caring for yourself and us. You are showing us the path and promise. Someday, I think I may be able to feel better, I think if I keep connected to your writings, insights, truths.
Wow! Thank you for that wonderful sentiment. It made my day! With messages like this one, I am sure I will keep writing. 🙂
You are awesome. Thank you
Aw thank you so much.
Beautifully written and perfect timing for me. This is exactly what I struggle with these days. I’ve printed this and it will go to school with me every day, in the front of my binder, to help me remember who I am. Thank you for this.
Thank you. That made my day!
You have the choice to tolerate the feeling that others have rejected you or you can tell yourself that you cannot “stand it”. Feelings of rejection may feel intolerable now, but you can work towards expanding your “window of tolerance” in this area as it is an opportunity for personal growth and healing. It is true that trauma survivors have difficulty with rejection. This can be a major trigger for me as well. And I made the decision that standing in my truth is more important than whether everyone approves of me. It doesn’t mean that I do not get rattled, and feel a little unglued at times, but not surprised when it happens because I know it’s part of my ‘fight’ response. When I look at the situation objectively, I can see that one trauma survivor’s rejection of me does not negate the value of my advocacy work or my being. It’s one person’s assessment based on perceptions have feelings that may have nothing really to do with you. I know it’s much easier said than done since many of us were conditioned to be “people pleasers” and to not “submit” often resulted in putting us in harms way.
Playing a the role of a healer is a trickier proposition for a trauma survivor in this regard. Professional trauma therapist know that when working with trauma survivors there will inevitably be rejections or therapeutic ruptures. You will sometimes be tested by your client, you will sometimes be rejected by your client, you will sometimes be hated by your client because a good healer challenges their client through “reality testing”, they don’t only “hold their hand” and tell them everything is going to be alright. They do not always tell the trauma survivor what it is that they want to hear, although sometimes that’s exactly what the survivor thinks they want. That goes with the territory. Believe me, I have had more than one trauma survivor go off on me, become ‘reactive’ because I did not tell them what they wanted (or expected) to hear. We all have our own experiences of the world. This needs to be honored. The truth is, you can get all the admiration, adulation and respect of many trauma survivors simply by mirroring and validating their experiences of the world. This is part of the work of being a healer, being a much needed source of validation for the trauma survivor who is often invalidated, unseen and unheard by the rest of society. But, in my view, this is only part of the role of a true healer. The other aspects of providing “holding” for a trauma survivor are a bit more challenging, and this is where the healing relationship can get messy and be tested.
Trauma survivors will often look to you to be the “perfect mirror” or “perfect parent”. But that is an unrealistic expectation since we are all humans. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, those seeking to heal the wounds of childhood trauma are not always so forgiving of themselves or others. Tolerance is challenged. Sometimes a trauma survivor needs to move past their ‘reactive’/defended moment to be able to see the truth of a situation. This includes an ability to take an objective distance in relationshio to their healer. If the survivor is unwilling or unable to take a step back, wihout becoming completely ‘defended’ or rageful, they probably are not ready to engage in serious healing work. Some people need additional psychotherapy work which may include DBT. This is not your fault, rather it could be a “mismatch” between you and the person you are trying to help, Maybe you are not the right to provide them with help at this stage of their journey. You probably know these things already.
Working with trauma survivors is not easy work especially if you’ve been working on your own healing. Be gentle and loving with yourself. You do the best you can. You reach those and help heal those who are ready to receive your message and guidance. The rest must find their own way. You will not be a healer to every trauma survivor you work with or encounter, but you will be a healer and source of inspiration for some. That’s enough. You are enough.
You make many wise statements about how survivors interact with their helpers, but I feel differently about your statement regarding choice at the beginning. I think we can all make cognitive choices, but until all our inner parts are in line with the decision, it doesn’t change much on the inside. That change takes time and understanding of ourselves, as well as an acceptance of our feelings until we feel differently. If a part of me still feels like she must people-please for her own safety, I must accept that while she works through her fears. I won’t necessarily change my actions, but I will accept her view in the meantime.
Dear girl, you are an amazing example to anyone of the possibility of survival. I read your wisdom for a long while before realizing that you are actually still trying to beat your own trauma.
What you show us is that strength and frailty can co-exist. That we don’t need to become strong again (or for the first time) before we begin creating a new life. That we probably should get busy with this new life of enthusiasm and delight, sooner rather than later! That our frailties can still keep us in bed from time to time, but we shouldn’t interpret this as meaning we’re not yet ready to create and live our new life.
You are my hero. Don’t ever stop writing. You have an incredible gift.
Sincerely,
Becky
Wow! Thank you for these incredible words. It definitely speaks to your own awareness that you have gleaned that from my writing. Sending you love and light.
Ah, Elisabeth! To me, you will always be a queen! This discussion reminds me of three (even four) life-saving, warrior-building interventions that have restored my authentic Self over the past 30 years. 1) my transformational call that Absolute Good knows and loves Me unconditionally, and through that I, the essence of Me, is invincible. 2) Resources to help me STAND in my truth are ‘out there’, thus concluding there IS Good in the world. 2) Until I deeply ACCEPT the truth of an Awareness about me or a situation, I am not effectively able to take a lifesaving ACTION toward change. Indeed, I am not yet equipped to make a healthy DECISION on it either. 3) Dr. Brene Brown has done superior research on the worth and power of being, and staying,’vulnerable’. If you have not already, check out her TEDtalk offerings on YouTube. And, lastly, as you probably know, 4) SAMHSA publishes a list of some 15 evidence-based trauma-informed intervention therapies that are stellar. I am currently in a group therapy called “Seeking Safety”, which, in my opinion has a rational emotive behavior therapy underpinning to it. The finding of such safety is for me so far, real and permanent.
Thank G-d for mental health care reform actions begun in late 2015…we’ve only just begun!
As you know, I adore your work. I’m grateful for your unflinching courage. Babe, you got FANS out here, so no worries about pissing some folks off. It just means you are doing something RIGHT!
Thank you! Thank you! Your kind words speak right to my heart today. They come at the right time. And all of your interventions listed are so valuable. It is such important information. I LOVE Brene Brown so much, and I have used the SAMSHA resources many times. But most importantly, your unconditional love of self has made and will continue to make all the difference.
First of all, I love all the love shown to you in these comments and want to add my voice to this. You demonstrate such self-acceptance in all states: from vulnerability to upset and everywhere in between and that is a guiding light to so many people following you on this journey. Thank you for your honesty and trust that others will see you and find healing from your story.
Second, when you say, “And I will find a way to show her she is safe” it gives me (good) shivers. I believe that demonstration is so critical. Because while we can say that we believe the world is friendly and safe, it’s not until we actually experience the safeness that true correction happens.
One thing that has stood out to me in all the work I have done is just how wide of a gap there is between my belief system and my emotional map. In a way, this is a good thing because I have a guide to where I want to be. In another way, it is very difficult because the contrast is so jarring and it is hard for me to accept that while I may believe one thing that emotionally on a deeper level I don’t feel that it’s true for me at all. And in fact that what I believe is something that I adamantly insist should be true for everyone except myself.
This is where all of my work is caught up in, and developing the self-compassion to take steps to just be with where I am now is hard. And that’s why things such as experiencing the safeness of being in opposition to others is so important because it opens new windows of emotions that you can call on in situations that may be more difficult in the future.
Yes! I like to say that the beliefs of my inner parts are based on hard-core evidence. They were highly supported in childhood. So I have to show them evidence to the contrary, not with in-your-face tactics, but with love and care. As they see new evidence, they will change, but it is a slow process. It takes time and patience. Keep showing your inner parts how things are different and they will start to shift.
It is very important to keep standing in your own truth.