The Process
When it comes to recovery, I am lucky. I am lucky because I get flashbacks along with my emotions. I know what you are thinking. That doesn’t sound very lucky. But flashbacks give me valuable information about why I am experiencing the emotions. It can keep me from drowning in them because I know where they are coming from. I can say to myself, “This emotion is about that flashback.” And I can calm my brain down (sometimes).
But there is an unlucky part. I often get the emotions first. Sometimes I get the emotions a day or two before the flashbacks, sometimes it is only minutes, but there is some period of time where I am not sure where the feeling came from. But even with this, I am lucky. You see, my memories come in themes. I get a wave of memories back at a time and they all relate to something I am processing. The great thing about that is the emotion and memories are similar. So after I make it through the first in a series (which is a bit of a mess), I know what I am in for.
This latest round of memories has been quite the journey. There were a bunch of people in my childhood who felt the need to tell me what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t succeed. My adult self recognizes all of these conversations as projections, but my child self is still trying to determine if they were right or wrong. With each memory she shows me, I am able to show her how they were lying, how they were to blame for their projection. And with each memory, she breathes a sigh of relief. She is one step closer to unburdening the weight of the past.
My Inner Conversation
So today, like many recent days, I felt the emotion coming and I had a basic sense of what I was in for. My normal approach is to wait while remaining curious. Of course, this often depends on how the emotion has taken hold. But today, I surprised myself with the following inner conversation. I said, “You can show me anything, anything at all. I don’t care what it is. I will guarantee you that it was not your fault. You don’t have to worry about my judgment. It will not be there. I will show you how you were just an innocent girl caught up in the wrong life with the wrong people.”
And I could tell she really needed someone to tell her that. She needed to feel supported. She needed to feel like she could trust me. She needed to know I wasn’t going to use it against her. It doesn’t matter how many memories are processed. It doesn’t matter how many times the work has been done or how many times we have been around the spiral of healing. The needs of a child are the needs of a child. And a child needs love and support. And the inner child is no different.
The Balance
So I will not make the assumption we have done this enough or she already knows she can trust me. I will treat each reveal as if it was the first (except with much better coping skills). I will let her know that I am here for her for the rest of my days and I will never be sad about receiving new information from her. She can talk to me as much as she needs and I won’t turn her away.
Now I am not suggesting that it is possible to stop the outer world from spinning while I recover. Things still have to get done. And sometimes, I can’t focus on that flashback or feel that emotion. But I have noticed that when I give her space to share, she gives me space to live. We work together. And honestly, that is foreign to me. My childhood did not provide many examples of positive collaboration.
But we keep trudging along together. And we understand that with each memory comes a little more peace, a little less self-sabotage and a little more physical well-being. And we know that it sucks now, but it won’t always suck so bad. And we know that we are not alone or isolated anymore. And we know that the light at the end of this tunnel is not a train (most days). And we get that each time we make it through a nasty emotion, it is an emotion and belief that no longer occupies space in the body and mind. We know there is healing happening here.
And I know I am lucky.
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I love this and it is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing.
I am so glad to hear it.
Thanks for sharing
It’s beautiful to witness you validating and loving your inner girl. I feel mine also becoming more trusting and open with me as I help her understand the world and support her by standing up for her needs.
With that comes moments of happiness and joy as she begins to feel free (through feeling safe to express without fear of adverse reactions). Moments of laughter and authentic belonging without guardedness.
And still…even with all this progress…there is a deeper and wider fear remaining underneath. Part of this is likely the ptsd, adrenals still on hyperdrive. That will take time and hard work to rewire but it’s achievable. But I wonder if it will always be there no matter how safe I make her feel.
Yet this too is a gift. For as long as it lingers, I will remember how unsafe and scary it felt to her in the beginning, without joy or trust or openness. And I’ll be able to remember acutely how far we’ve come.
This fear also teaches me compassion without pity; pity is not needed because I now know the courage that lies within the one who is afraid and have deep respect for it. This compassion for others, and bit by bit for me, is a gift that few could give, even if they also feel it to a degree.
Xo
Beautifully said. I also wonder if the fear will remain forever. I guess the only way to know for sure is to keep plugging away at recovery. 🙂
Elizabeth,
I had a series of traumatic images and memories that I just couldn’t bear. My cousin, a grief therapist, told me about an Eye-Movement method of treatment that specifically can help your brain process these points of trauma. EMDR is gaining acceptance in dealing with individual images and memories. The outcome, which can come quite quickly, is not a loss of the image or memory, but rather a dramatic lessening of its impact on you. Through EMDR, you can actually transform a debilitating image or memory into just another unpleasant thought. One with which you can deal.
And BTW, my cousin successfully administered EMDR to me over the phone! I sat in the same comfortable, safe place, once a week while we talked me out of the trauma. The traumatic period had lasted nearly three years. We started at the beginning and worked through the awful events sequentially. It was amazing to see how my brain participated in the treatment.
Take care,
Becky
I have used EMDR and love it! I am glad you are using it.
We actually concluded my weekly treatments (one hr/wk by phone) after we/I had re-lived each of the traumatic events in that three-year period.
I believe it took nine sessions. The plan was to repeat the EMDR exercise with any images or memories that still debilitated or haunted me. There were none! I did not test the strength of this “fix”, but rather stayed protective of my senses. I gradually began glancing at reminders, but never long enough to re-trigger the pain. I still don’t gaze or reflect for long on these times, but I can feel that I’m becoming accustomed to the facts without being emotionally re-engaged.
So about two months of EMDR therapy really cured my inability to bear what had happened. (Of course, then I entered a long stage of sad, sad, sadness. But at least it wasn’t debilitating or painful!)
I hope your holiday season is filled with all your favorite things!
Becky
I am so happy to hear of your success using EMDR. I am definitely a fan of it.
Oh my gosh, I love this post of yours Elisabeth!!! I will repost on my facebook and retweet it. I have done similar work with my younger parts and know first hand that you speak of valuable healing truth. I love this line, “I will treat each reveal as if it was the first.” I haven’t thought of this before and it feels so right to my adult and younger parts. The loving accepting way you work with your younger self truly touches my heart & inspires me.
Thank You & Bless you
What a beautifully honest and open piece. Learning to listen to that voice within can be painful but empowering at the same time. Thank you for a timely reminder that there is always a speck of light in the darkness.
Thank you so much! I love your community on Facebook. #WUVIP
My ‘little one’ gets very emotional when people show genuine kindness and care towards her. I wonder if this is part of the grieving process?
It could be grieving of what she never had. It could also be that deep longing to be heard. When she gets a sense of it, it is probably overwhelming to her.
Dear Elizabeth,
I’ve recently discovered teachings that have brought an inner calmness that I haven’t felt in years. Asha’s approach, knowledge, and manner in sharing ancient teachings are in themselves calming!
I believe that you may find some wisdom and peace through her as well.
The teachings deal with energy and unification, of ourselves with the entirety of the universe. Asha particularly shares all this so that it can inform our lives in practical ways.
This link begins her series on Chakras. Her series on “Conversations with Yogananda” was incredibly helpful to me. As was her talk on “Confidence, Calmness, & Courage”.
https://youtu.be/TcqBfskTwcI
Thank you for sharing your hero’s journey with all of us.
Sincerely,
Becky
Thank you! I will take a look.