I Am Enough. There Is Enough.
Survivors of abuse often live a life plagued with scarcity. We were taught at a young age that we weren’t enough, there wasn’t enough and life would not provide enough for us in the future. When we suffer financial abuse or trafficking, things are often worse. We can believe we have a finite worth, we are a commodity, and we have already expended that worth. All these beliefs leave very little hope for an abundant future.
My relationship with money has been a struggle for my entire life. And while I always made enough to survive when I worked in the corporate world, I have come face-to-face with my monetary dysfunction as I have started working for myself. And I think that is the point. If it was easy to chart new territory, everyone would do it, but the lack of stability, the self-doubt and the intense commitment required make it scary on the good days. I have spent some time identifying the beliefs that hold me back lately. There are many. And I get the impression I am not the only one who struggles with these.
1) If I charge for my services, it won’t be worth it. I have always struggled with impostor’s syndrome. In a family trying to appear like something they are not, it goes without saying. I know I am helping people. I know I am making a difference. I hear from my clients that I am providing them safety and a new perspective. But I still hear that voice. The voice deep inside of me that says, “Are you crazy? You are just an abused little girl. What could you possibly have to offer anyone else? Stop pretending and go back to your hiding place.” And while the inner voice comes up less and less, I still hear it. And every once in a while, it tricks me for a second.
2) If I charge for my services, people won’t like me because money is bad. This belief comes from my experience with trafficking. I grew up in a family that would do anything for money, even sell their children for sex. Money was God. Money was everything. And it didn’t take long before money was evil in my opinion. Money was never something that could be used to provide an abundant life. It was used to control, abuse and wield power over others. If I charge others for my work, I am just an evil business person who is taking advantage of others. The fact that I am charging a reasonable price for life-changing work is still forming in my own mind.
3) There won’t be enough people who will be interested in my work. If I don’t get this client, I am screwed. The scarcity shows up loud and clear here. I have actually been told that there just aren’t enough survivors to help in the world. And of course, I don’t believe it. Even if you believe the 1 in 4 and 1 in 6 statistics, there are so many survivors who need help. Of course, I don’t believe those statistics. I believe they are much higher. But the scarcity belief permeates everything I do. I must have this client, car, house, dress, husband because there will never be another one. To an abuse survivor, the world is not an abundant place.
4) There aren’t enough services I can provide to make the money I need to survive. On most days, I can think of endless services to provide to others. But on the bad days, I just can’t see how I can find enough work to make this happen. I know that I can’t see everything in my future. I know my higher self has plans I cannot dream of. But I am a control freak. And if I can’t imagine it, it must not be possible. So I stress about my diversification. Despite the fact that there are endless possibilities for helping others in this field.
5) I must struggle. I can’t possibly do what I love and make money at it. The victim voice still lives within me. And while it is quieter than it was, I can still sense it beneath the surface. “I can’t have what I want. I can’t have it all. I can’t do what I love and live a comfortable life. If I want to do this work, I must live in a shack and eat Ramen noodles.” And I know it is not true. I know I am not a victim to this life. I can manifest what I want. And I will. But the voice is there. And I sometimes hear it.
While I get caught up in the scarcity belief ingrained in me as a child, I intellectually know that life doesn’t work like that. I know that life is abundant. There are far too many people on this planet. There is far too much beauty, love, pets, nature, children, beaches, mountains and sunsets for me to live in scarcity. I am meant to live in abundance. I am meant to live a life that takes full advantage of all that can be offered to me. And while the beliefs are still hanging on, I can see them diminishing over time. And I remind myself of the opportunities that come to me every day. I remind myself of the impressive progress I have made in a small amount of time. I remind myself of my dreams, dreams that are not unrealistic. And I can’t help but know the abusers were wrong. I can have enough. I am just as likely to experience abundance as everyone else. I am a survivor. And I am worth it.
I too have struggled my whole life with money, spending way beyond my means with a distorted perspective of entitlement as the reason for my overspending because of all that I have survived. I have changed my beliefs since then and am the closest I’ve ever been to being out of debt once and for all and have arranged for automatic deposits to my savings account despite my current limited disability income. I’ve stopped telling myself “I can’t” and started to believe otherwise.
Appreciate having you admit that you have also struggled your whole life; I look forward to learning from you as you move beyond what was!
Thank you for sharing that. I have had times of entitlement too. It really is heavily determined by our thoughts and attitude about it.
I think sometimes we feel inadequate because we think we need to be much more than human beings usually are. Sometimes, we grew up with grandiose and unrealistic expectations, because the human element was missing. So, maybe you offer very little, and yet it’s meaningful and helpful. I think sometimes we have to adjust in both directions. We might be worth more than we think we are and what we need to be is much less than we assumed.
In terms of sharing your story, I think one reason abuse of the kind you suffered happens in the first place is that it is incomprehensible to other people. Telling your story helps people understand it better, and makes them better equipped to act, so there is this maybe fairly subtle effect of adding to the range of perspectives ordinary people can understand and respond effectively t. None of us are unique, and in telling your story, you are telling pieces of others’ stories.
You are right. My expectations of myself are often beyond human capabilities. I continue my abuse in that way. And I do love the connection that telling my story creates with others. Even if they only relate to a small portion, we are drawn closer.
Thank you for this…man does this ring true! One of my supervisors has been baffled by my not charging survivors for psychotherapy services. As a survivor, I remember what it is like to need every penny! Why would I take ONE from them? Ultimately, for the first time since 2007, last October, I was paid through victims compensation funding for some SWAN clients. Being paid was weird and awesome! Survivors deserve to heal and we deserve to be paid. Working pro-bono also helped me earn my licensure hours!
The other side…other professionals are very inappropriate to me as a survivor. I don’t get referrals from FBI advocates, I have been accused of soliciting men at religious events (when I thought a man and his wife had said they wanted to volunteer with SWAN), a local DA has made it her goal to make sure I do not have any sort of reputation or ability to provide for my home because I stood up for SWAN clients who did not want to cooperate and finally, expertise (30 years) and education are made fun of as if not the same as other professionals.
It would seem people would be OK with me if I were just a house cleaner or worked fast food but definitely do not try to use the education I have to make a living after human trafficking and the commercial sex industry. No wonder we feel insufficient. While other professionals are respected with this type of experience and education, I am still less. It is not just feeling that way, I am and it is a great reality. Keep abusing me! It gives me strength! I am USED TO IT!
April 16, 2015, my 50th birthday, Governor Hickenlooper signed into law Senate Bill 15-030 providing affirmative defense to human trafficking which was a result of a couple of years of work with Senator Morgan Carroll’s office. I am now having conversations about discrimination in housing and employment, the felony HIV difference between sex worker and client, forced body fluid testing and more! Don’t tell me I can’t do it. I went to school even when I was homeless I wanted out of the industry so much. I was NEVER empowered by the sex industry but I AM empowered by my work. I don’t mind working for free. Until we stop finding clusters of bodies I will.
I am sorry if this is triggering…I have wanted so much to talk about this…please edit if needed.
Billie
I won’t edit this. It is very real and very raw. I appreciate your honestly about your own journey.
You have explained very eloquently one of the major struggles survivors have to endure and overcome to live up to his/her full potential. Learning to reject the self-defeating messages implanted within you at a younger age is a very hard challenge, but with encouragement and belief in your abilities (both within yourself and from friends and loved ones), you will overcome the horrendous programming you endured that you battle every day. I am fully confident that you will come out on the winning side. Your strength and goodness will shine through even brighter.
Thank you my friend. I am so glad to know you. And I know you are aware of all these struggles and have made your own amazing strides to overcome.
Elizabeth, I relate to your words so much! I have the same message, “the voice deep inside of me that says, “Are you crazy? You are just an abused little girl. What could you possibly have to offer anyone else? Stop pretending and go back to your hiding place.”” It is so hard to push through those messages when they show up every time I think that maybe I could do something or be something. It still knocks me down hard. For now, I am learning to take care of my little girl inside and my kids, and let that be enough. I always still feel like I have to prove my worth by doing more, but the little (in my eyes) that I have to offer is really enough. I wish it were easier to get that ingrained in my head! Thank you for writing so transparently. I always look forward to your posts. ?
Thank you so much Paula. That is the second time someone has brought up the concept of allowing themselves to be enough in what they do. That is so powerful. I may need to write more on that.
Yes, I can relate to your post! I’m letting the possibility of not having to struggle to get where I’m going start to enter my belief system. I’m taking baby steps and trusting that I can be in the universal flow and move forward with grace & ease. I pray for this to be all of our realities. Keep going Elisabeth – no matter what fearful mis-belief rises up within you. You are amazing and we are all watching you move forward in the face of fear as you inspire your readers.
Thank You.
Thank you Donna for your support and for letting me know that you walk beside me. I have come to realize that this venture of mine is the best motivation to keep going. Otherwise, I can’t say all this stuff about recovery. I have to walk the talk. And so I will. 🙂
I am crying as I write this. It’s taken me the better part of my life to be able to face my trauma and trauma triggers without perpetrating self harm. I do now believe that a call has been placed on my life because if not then there is no way for me to understand the abuse other than the evil that it was. I have finely reached a place in my recovery process in which I believe I am ready to seek out the final necessary steps to thriving in my recovery journey in a way that will benefit others. I have learned in my experiences that the real healing lies in using my voice and telling my stories (truth). Fear of success has dogged me through my entire life and kept me in bondage to the belief that success is somehow not achievable or to scary to even consider that i might just be capable. I have finely reached the door to the next phase of my process and I am now standing ready to walk through to boundless possibilities. Thank You allfor your willingness to help others along the path. Blessings.
That sounds amazing Linda. I am so glad you are at this point in your journey. You are certainly capable of success. Feel free to reach out to me with any questions as you consider your role in helping others.
So true and please know how much your words have pierced right to the crux of what I’ve needed at the exact moment needed! And yet, I can’t help but feel helpless and trapped in my circumstances. Abuser stalling divorce to avoid paying child support, which means I can’t move my disabled daughter and myself away from abusive family, too. I keep pounding on every “door” to get us free, and they’re all dead ends. Not sure what I’m missing. :*(
I am so sorry you are up against so much right now. If you want to have a free call to discuss your situation, send me an email anytime.
I have been struggling this past couple of weeks with trying to decide what I am going to do with myself if I am feeling well enough to work again. I think I will be, and so the timing of your post was very important. I hear the same things you do in my head. I never put it together that my only worth was prostitution for my family.
I just came from a job where I was making a lot of money. The interesting thing for me is I didn’t pay attention to the money at all–I literally dissociated it and just kept giving the checks to my spouse and hoping that would make her happy. Now I am faced with returning to the high-paying job or going back to struggling to make a living because I am considering following my passion instead of the high-paying job. Taking a risk, and fearing my spouse will be mad because deep down I feel like I am only good for money? I have more than that to offer.
Thanks for giving me a lot to think about.
If it helps any, I think you can make it with what you are doing. You are providing an invaluable service that isn’t readily available to so many survivors out there. And the way I see it, people like you may actually know a thing or two the above average trauma therapist doesn’t have to offer their clients because they don’t have nearly at stake what we do, nor the experience.
Thank you Kathy! I have to say that I would always encourage you to go for your passion instead. I wrote this two years ago (to the day) and the way I feel now is that I absolutely made the right decision to stick it out. Actually, it has been the best decision I ever made. Abundance can be ours even when we follow our passion.