When I started to embrace spirituality in my life, the first thing I noticed was how many options were available. I loved the idea of mindfulness. I worked to hone my self-awareness and it made a huge difference in my life. But there were some popular concepts that were not working for me.
When I started my recovery work, setting intentions was the latest spiritual direction. I set my intentions. I did my meditations. I made my vision boards. I wrote my mantras. I did my best to embrace the process. But honestly, it seemed to go nowhere.
As I ventured deeper in to my own recovery work, I found the reason. My traumatic past had separated aspects of my being and these inner parts were no longer accessible to my ego self, the part that sets intentions. As a matter of a fact, the parts of me that I had cut off were not on board with my intentions. More to the point, they were vehemently opposed to my intentions. And without the whole self behind an intention, it will never happen … EVER. I discovered that doing cognitive work with my conscious ego self was essentially putting lipstick on a pig.
Through my process, I discovered three separate parts of self.
1) My ego self who was dead-set on avoiding my past by ignoring all the pain and pushing willfully forward at perfecting my life, even if it required me to fake it.
2) My inner child who was extremely hurt from a childhood of abuse, and who continued to be ignored by my ego self, only making her sadness more intense.
3) My inner teenager who was mad as hell at every adult she had ever met, including the ego self, and would do absolutely anything to sabotage the life my ego self so desperately wanted.
And with a setup like this, who needed enemies. I had the mess of a lifetime within my own being.
I had to take a different approach. There was still room for intention work, but it had to come with some deeper internal communication with the parts of me that were hurting. It required feeling the pain of the past. And it required patience and flexibility, which were not the strong point of my ego self. I began a process, and it came to look something like this.
1) I became the parent I never had. I developed a relationship with my inner child. I started by writing letters to her and giving her the space to write back. Her letters weren’t pleasant, but they taught me so much about my past. Memories and painful emotions came back as trust was developed. And I was able to uncover what this part of me needed. Honestly, her needs were so much more important than the goals of my ego self.
2) I built trust with my inner teenager. To be honest, she is still deciding if she can trust me. She was never able to trust others, so there is bitterness. But the self-sabotage has diminished greatly. And she is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes. My ego self even makes an effort to slow down so this part can take a break. We all know that teenagers need a break.
3) As I came to know these parts of me, I was able to get a sense of what I really wanted. And it wasn’t what I thought. While they had some foundation in reality, the initial intentions were off base. They didn’t incorporate the whole self. While they would have manifested relief, the joy would have been missing. In some cases, the intentions were exactly what I wanted, but for the wrong reasons.
That first step in setting intentions is not a day’s work for everyone. It requires a deep process of getting to know all of our lost parts. It requires an understanding of the pain that lies beneath our deepest desires. It is in building this deeper knowledge of who we are that the intentions can rest on a solid foundation.
So don’t give up on changing your thoughts. It is important work. But don’t forget to look beneath the thoughts. Inquire in to the deeper undercurrent that may be running your life. It is in that understanding that your life can change and you can manifest your dreams.
If you want help bringing awareness to your self sabotage, contact me about my one-on-one survivor guidance sessions.
So beautifully said. And, I appreciate this insight that we need to go deeper if we truly want to heal and change. Thank you, this is just what I needed.
Thank you Sandra!
This is where I am (we are) now.
I agree, beautifully said. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
<3 Thank You so much for sharing your encouragement and insight !
Thank You so very very much xx
I have spent a few years now with my inner personas – I have just come across Mindfulness recently and i do love being able to slow everything down and connect with my observer.
If i master myself and stop my self sabbotaging i will definately Celebrate the success xx
May God Bless The Whole Rest of YOUR Life Elizabeth, for your Courage and Bravery, your Honesty, Truth and Strength
Thank you so much Jaynice. I am so happy to hear of your own awareness and courage. Keep up the amazing work.
As always, this is so well stated. I have just started Schema Based Therapy which helps me get to know all of the “me’s.” It is hard to describe this to other people. My “me’s” are Little Carrie, Bad-Ass Carrie, the Detached Protector (the numb me who works to protect Little Carrie), Good Carrie, and Healthy Adult Carrie. There may be more; we are still in the assessment phase. I also have an external voice called The Tormenter. He is highly critical and mean. I’m glad you brought this up. I thought everyone dealt with this. I’m coming to understand now that it may just be more prominent amongst those of us who have experienced complex trauma.
Hi Carrie, Honestly, I do think everyone deals with it, but the extent of separation varies. For those with very little trauma, the separation may be limited and the parts may not be very noticeable. For those of us with complex trauma, it is much more pronounced.
Very nicely explained. Sub-personality work is so powerful. I have another one: the Shadow or Adversary. And you are right on that the first step is to parent the Inner Child, which breaks the bond between it and the Adversary, who has promised to keep it “safe” in exchange for its Soul or Aliveness.
Thank you for your comment. In my case, my inner child and teenager were the adversary because they had internalized all the hatred from my parents and turned it in to self-hate. I had to “change their minds” about who they were in order to stop the sabotage. I had to work with them to see themselves and their world differently. That was my experience.
Such good work to do. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so important to see that healing is possible.
Thank you!
I found you through Sandra’s lovely site. From one childhood abuse survivor to another, I thank you for being here as a validating, understanding and insightful presence. “Inquire in to the deeper undercurrent that may be running your life.” This is the key.
Thank you so much. And I am glad you found me.
I have only just recently come to the realisation I have different aspects of me that work against/together with me whatever I am doing, stemming from the trauma of my childhood. It felt good to read this and it make sense. I had a dream a few nights ago where I heard noises downstairs, I went down and found 8 or 9 different personalities, different ages, the smallest a younng girl of 5, different cultural backgrounds, ransacking my kitchen for food and drink items. I wasn’t scared of them and they didn’t feel intimidated by me. I knew they needed what they had come for. I negotiated with them for what they could take. I let them take a lot but not all, I knew they needed it more than me. After they had gone I couldn’t work out some of what they had took (it didn’t mean much to me or it was in abundance) and some things I wasn’t happy with. They also did some damage to the exit on the way out. I have a slight fear they will come back, or more an understanding they will but not really being fearful of them, more what they might take next, no fear to myself. I’m on a waiting list for some counselling. I had an introductory session a few weeks ago and am real excited about it. I’m ready to let go of more stuff and see what’s underneath some of my self sabotaging actions. I want to do this so much but I know it will not be easy. I thank so much for finding these writings that resonate with how I feel. Thank you. xx
Wow! What a powerful dream! That is such a strong indicator of your inner willingness to do this recovery work. I wish you so much luck with your counseling. If you haven’t written down the details of the dream, please do. If you know the ages and cultural backgrounds of each, it might be helpful during your counseling and recovery work.
I don’t know too much, the oldest, in charge was about 52 (don’t know where that come from lol) and Spanish or Mexican, the youngest was a blond girl of 5, I just know the rest was mixed nothing else to go on. But thanks. I felt it was quite defining too but only after I’d had it and reflected on it, then I read your blog, made sense. They were quite unperturbed by me, like I was nothing to worry about it.
I think that is a great sign.
I have just found you.
At a point in my life when I need it so much.
Been upset a man I was love with 27 years ago.
Has come back in to my life.have been seeing him a little over a year now he is a widow 3 years now .
27 years ago we had a mad crush on each other but was married to other people.
This is the Love of my life.
Just yesterday he let me know that he was not in love with me.
Hart broken I am .
But the one I can fix is me I am 49 your old
I know life’s is not for other people to love me but for me to love me and learn how to be good with all that god has given me.
But I am my own website Enemy.and that must stop .
So day one here I come.
So god bless you miss Elizabeth for this page.thanks so much
I am so glad you found me. And I am so sorry for your broken heart. But you are right. The love must start with loving yourself. I look forward to chatting with you here.