The Mask of Perfection
When I was growing up, my parents wanted me to be perfect. They were very clear that I must exceed all standards. They wanted me to have perfect grades, perfect looks, perfect extracurricular activities. They pressured me to be the picture of everything society wanted from a human being.
This expectation created a storm inside me. I was sure I was none of those things. I had been abused long enough to know I had no real worth. I was sure I had nothing to offer the world. I was an imposter. I had no value to add to the human race. I was only here to be victimized. I was constantly playing tug of war with my external mask of perfection and my internal self-hatred. I could not handle failure. I could not handle rejection. It wasn’t that I didn’t see it coming. I knew it was inevitable because it was the truth. And it would blow my cover.
I worked hard to be accepted by everyone. I was an obsessive over-achiever. And all the teachers, coaches and other authority figures loved me. But when they didn’t, I thought my world would come to an end. I was sure my life would be in danger if people found out my real worth. And that was a lot of pressure.
A World of Unworthiness
But I have come to realize that I am no different than everyone else. Everyone feels the tug of unworthiness. Everyone is waiting to be “found out”. My parents definitely felt it because they passed it on to me. My friends feel it. My children feel it.
I see it in the people I interact with everyday. Insecurity runs rampant. And it triggers me which must mean I can relate. I see the constant need to prove worthiness in sports, in school, in activities. “My kid does more things.” “My kid does them better.” “My kid is smarter.” And I am not suggesting that they say those things out loud. But it is n their actions. It is under the surface.
So, I often wonder what it would feel like to live without the sense of unworthiness. I wonder how to convince my children that they don’t have to hide behind a mask of perfection. I try not to use that word. We say “practice makes good enough” in our family. I try not to push them to meet standards set in schools, standards that were never created to benefit their self-esteem, standards that were created to continue the comparison to others. They are smart and they love to learn. That is what matters to me.
I don’t push them in sports. There really is no point. They are small for their age which makes them less competitive in most sports. And as a single mother, they are not getting the sports messages that some kids get. So while I want them to understand that they have to work at something, I don’t want them to think they have to be great at it. If they enjoy it, that is what matters.
The Perfection in Being
But I have to be honest. I don’t know what I would do if they were prodigies or unusually talented athletes. Would I fall victim to the feeling of superiority? Would I allow my children’s talents to fill that void of unworthiness within me? Would I become one of those people who seeks out glory through projection? I don’t know. I am not faced with that decision at this time.
And I am not sure it matters. Whether we exceed, meet, defy or ignore the standards, we still know they are there. The kids still know they are there. The standards have been internalized and they are making their mark on our inner being. We are forgetting that we are here for something completely different and we are missing the point completely.
Aren’t we here to remove the masks and stop the over-achievement, defiance or any other behavior that plays in to the comparison between people? What if we are here to be who we are, without the pressure of competition and comparison? What if the goal was to embody ourselves so fully, so completely, that others couldn’t even ask what our latest test scores were? They would be too mesmerized by our being. And we were perfect because we were.
I ask these questions because I get the sense that my children are asking this of me. They don’t say it, but they embody it. Recently my son looked at me with the most loving expression and said I was his perfect mother. He didn’t say it because I had just done something amazing, won a race, aced a test. He said it because I was sitting with him, giving him my attention, focusing on him in the present moment.
And it was perfect because there was nothing to compare it to.
It was perfect because it was.
I think the sense of unworthiness comes from being around people who do not automatically respond to other people in a natural way. They view others essentially as machines that can provide a service. If you can provide a service, then you will be attended to. It’s a totally unnatural way of approaching life and I have not found it to be what most people do, although it’s what my parents did. Most people respond to me out of a sense of connection that is entirely different from having earned the right to be responded to. They respond, really, because my feelings prompt a feeling inside them and it creates a natural exchange. There is no “good enough.” It just is.
I agree. I just think the unworthiness is on a continuum and can affect people without complex trauma too. It may not have such a deep impact though.
I too can relate to people pleasing and striving for perfection to compensate for hidden self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness throughout childhood and younger adulthood. I still deal with performance anxiety and believe it is related to my old mis-beliefs about myself. It was a powerful awareness, though, when I realized how I really felt about myself. Then I could face the mis-beliefs head on and start rewiring my thoughts with truth about how I am unique, valuable, and deserving of unconditional love and acceptance. I pray for us all to feel worthy and loved.
As far as perfection goes, I think when a human being behaves authentically and embraces their unique set of strengths and differences, that is perfection to me.
I agree it was a powerful awareness. I think we would end all the world’s problems if everyone felt worthy and loved.
I relate to this notion of perfectionism very much– it certainly was a legacy in my family. It was years before I learned the dark side of that; I mean I developed habits to hide things if they weren’t as perfect as I wanted them to be. I kept those hiding habits although I let go of the outward obsessions a bit; I realized no matter how clean, how tidy, or how devoted I was– the abuse never stopped. Mom was certainly NEVER happy. I had a high school band teacher who was a ticking time bomb, who couldn’t keep his angry hands off students OR teachers.
Just being has been tough for me; it makes sense now that I understand cPTSD can be a reflection of a stripped sense of identity, as well as self-esteem. It hasn’t helped that most of my 30 years+ in therapy were with therapists, counselors, et al that were clueless, really. My current arrangement is wonderful, but oh, what a very, very bitter struggle it was.
I wrote about it sparingly, although I’ve been blogging for 11 years.
I know that struggle to find the right person to help. I had that same difficulty. I am glad you found that. Isn’t writing healing? It has helped me so much, even when it is not directly related to the past.
This is absolutely me thank you for this article. I’ve just realised recently that this is the biggest reason for my anxiety and low self esteem… I’m a perfectionist and a control freak because if I don’t perform or manage those things to MY standards, I’m not worthy. But the thing is it never makes me feel worthy enough anyway no matter what I achieve!
My biggest issue at the moment though is I’m terrified of passing this onto my daughter if I haven’t already. She is 4 but has quite low confidence, which I’ve tried so hard to build, but it’s hard to avoid praise when she’s doing something out of her comfort zone and im trying to encourage her without also encourent her to keep trying to be good at something, if that makes sense? Like showing her it’s ok to try play soccer with everyone watching, be confident enough to give it a go! But then praising her when she’s done it… I don’t know but it feels like there is a fine line.
She already says negative things if I compliment her, she says no I’m not x y z, if I say I’m so proud of you are you proud! She will say I’m proud because YOU are proud. I don’t want that! I don’t know how to build her confidence and self esteem without also encouraging that she has to be better than her current self to be worthy 🙁 pls help! I just want her to be happy with who she is more than I was/am.