The Physical Side of Trauma
I often write about the holistic impact of trauma. When we go through abuse or trafficking in childhood, there is a dramatic effect on our entire being. I have discussed many aspects over the years including my beliefs, my emotional response to life and relationships, and my parenting. But I haven’t discussed one important part of trauma recovery. It is one of the most important parts, but for me, it has recovered organically as a result of the emotional and cognitive work I have done. Maybe that is why I haven’t discussed it. Or maybe it is because I see it as so private. Or maybe I don’t want to be that vulnerable.
But I think it is important to highlight how my physical body has handled the trauma, and more importantly, how it is doing today. I think that many people wonder about the toll of this kind of sexual and physical trauma on a small child. And other survivors wonder if they are the only ones experiencing the physical symptoms. So I will share my experiences because that discussion needs to happen.
Trauma in My Body
My dissociation made it impossible to remember the physical sensations of each traumatic incident, and for that, I am grateful. But my earliest recollection is a body filled with pain. After I dissociated and stopped dealing with my experiences on an emotional level, I began to feel them physically. The emotions had been tucked away in my organs, muscles, joints and bones, and they weren’t welcome there. My muscles and joints have always been the loudest when it comes to pain. The tension in both caused an early arthritis when I was in my twenties. Some days, I had trouble walking in the morning because of the pain. My hips and hands were the worst. I found it difficult to write. Even a thank you note was difficult.
My immune system was bogged down in the trauma and was no longer able to fight the smallest of colds. Almost everything turned in to a raging sinus infection, bronchitis or pneumonia. In my teens, I had viruses that no doctor could name, even after multiple blood tests. They would tell me that my white blood cell count was high, but they didn’t know why. I had fevers constantly, even when there was no other indication of illness.
But the worst was the affect on my reproductive system. All of those organs stopped functioning. I didn’t ovulate, which caused amenorrhea. My glands were swollen, making intercourse painful. The fertility problems I was experiencing were so significant I felt like I couldn’t even claim womanhood as my own. So the shame from my abuse was exacerbated by these challenges. Even when I did get pregnant with the use of fertility treatments, the pregnancy was a difficult one.
Why is This Happening?
The physical ailments were made worse by the seeming lack of cause. I didn’t have memories of my childhood, so even when a doctor did ask if I had experienced trauma, which was rare, I could not say yes. Most of these problems were attributed to stress, allergies, stress, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Nobody knew what to do for me, which of course, increased my stress.
I tried changing my diet, my environment, my exercise approaches. I even tried changing my clothing. I took medication. I got massages and did yoga to calm down. While some things helped, nothing worked completely. And usually, the effects were temporary.
Change Happened
It was not until I started the difficult road of recovery that I began to see results. Interestingly, I was so bogged down in the emotional deluge that I didn’t notice for a while. It took years before I stopped to take a breath, and noticed that it had been a long time since I had felt a particular pain or run a fever for no reason. Over time, I noticed that my organs were plugging back in. The amenorrhea vanished. The swelling reduced dramatically. And I went from getting sick five times a year to twice a year. And with kids, that’s good.
But the most noticeable change has been in my chronic joint and muscle pain. Now, it only comes when I am about to retrieve a memory, and it is a great indicator for me to tune in and pay attention. My body posture had straightened dramatically from a defensive posture, which I used to protect my torso. My overly curved spine is almost completely vertical at this point.
But over the past week, I had a sensation that my neck, shoulders and back bones were floating in place, as if they weren’t being supported or held in place by my muscles. They seemed to be shifting a bit more than usual. It was strange, but not bad.
Then today, I realized that strange feeling might actually be “normal”. I went to a massage therapist, which is something I do a couple times a year. It is never pleasant like I hear from others. I do it for rehabilitation because my muscles are so tight. It is usually an hour of painful digging in to tight, tense places in my neck, shoulders and back. So I braced myself for the normal dig in to my shoulder where there has been a rock of a muscle knot for twenty years. Nobody has successfully released it, but everyone tries. Some get close, but it always come right back.
So I braced.
And it was gone!
That constant physical reminder of my past had vanished completely.
Gone!
And so, I enjoyed my massage today.
AWESOME!!! This is a great article. I’ve been dealing with emotional embodiment and I understand what you’re saying. It’s bizarre coming to baseline you never knew was there.
Exactly. I often talk about how I can’t compare the way I feel to anyone else, so I have no idea that I am feeling different (until it changes). It is completely bizarre.
Thank you for sharing. You are a wealth of knowledge & resource.
This is a fantastic post. I’m very much at the beginning stages of recognizing how my body has been affected by trauma. I’ve known for years that when I confront a painful memory I get sick but I didn’t realize how common it was among abuse survivors until I read Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with yoga and now I know it’s because I have a hard time tolerating the physical feelings that I have when I do it. I tried it again with a different mindset and now I love it. I have finally learned to breathe and it’s changing my life!
I am so glad to hear that. I have used yoga to pull trauma from my body and it has worked wonderfully for that purpose. I have also heard from others who say they don’t like certain types of body work because they “feel bad” afterwards. I try to let them know that is actually a good thing if they process the “bad”. And yes, breathing was a huge step for me. It is quite helpful to breathe. 🙂
I’m so grateful for this post. I thought I was the only one who did that — stood in a defensive posture to protect my torso. It’s straightening. I’m no longer folding over myself, curling myself into a ball, as I continue to do this work. When I am vulnerable or frightened my ribs hurt and I lean over myself more but I know it’s a sign to listen. To breathe and not fight it. I was disassociated from my trauma for most of my life. I’m 42 and have been on this path to recovery for just over a year. I’m so happy to find you! Thank you.
Wow. I am happy you found me too. I am also 42 and was dissociated from my trauma until I was 37. It is quite a journey, isn’t it?
It’s the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done. Right now I’m down in the hard but it will shift up again. It always does. Thank you!
It will cycle back through. It can be so helpful to know that. Sometimes, I feel like I will be stuck in the darkness forever.
Some (trauma researcher Dr Peter Levine) call this a “collapse” body posture.
Absolutely!
So happy for you Elisabeth!! So proud of you! Thank you for providing a safe place for victims on your website. It is a nice refuge from a world where people judge and shame victims!
Thank you so much! I am glad you find this site to be a refuge. That is definitely what I am trying to provide.
Wow, the parallels between childhood trauma survivors amazes me. I also had fertility issues & sadly, multiple miscarriages. My immune system was so bad that I couldn’t fight anything off before it escalated and took me down. I wondered what it would be like to just get a cold. After 20 some years of healing work, I can get just a cold. I’m so grateful.
Elisabeth, I love your blog’s new look and I love your post. Thank you for sharing your experiences and victories. I’m feeling inspired.
It really is amazing how many times I have heard such similar stories from other survivors. I am so glad for your healing.
How amazing! How inspiring! How wonderful to hear of your life in recovery! Thank you for sharing! Joe M
Thank you so much Joe!
Elisabeth,
Thank you for sharing on here your experience this pretty much just saved my life. Who has the right to inflict this type of pain on another person than act as though you or I should feel ashamed.. Its not are fault its the person that chose to do the crime.. Its him/her that should feel trapped in their body, in their mind, living fearful to speak out in a rage.. Glad you chose to empower many by using your experience to let others know your not alone.. Were you able to be in a loving relationship after your experience?
I want desperately to repair the shattered pieces of my life trust is the hardest aspect.
Thankful to hear from another perspective on healing after trauma.
Charlene Donahoe
Thank you Charlene. I am so glad this article was helpful for you. And you are right. We are not the people to feel ashamed. I have not delved in to an intimate relationship during my recovery, so as not to trigger myself. But I have many loving relationships with friends and my children. That alone has been a miracle considering my past. I hope to venture in to intimacy at some point. And yes, trust is the key. It is the hardest to regain.
Thank you so much for your post. I have been through so much trauma int life. After not dating for 12 years I had moved to a small community and had a person push his way into my life only to find out after about 9 months he was a narcissistic sociopath and This devasted me. Going to counseling but still feeling hopeless and defeated. I pray that time and all the support I can get will hell me heal. Feeling so sad.
I am so sorry Rebecca. It can be so hard to break the patterns of abuse that were set in early childhood with dysfunctional parental relationships. Even though we don’t consciously create it, we energetically attract it. It can take years of intense recovery work and practice to change those patterns. Hang in there. You can make positive change.
This article explains so many mysteries about my body’s states all these years. The examples resonate with my experience with the trauma’s in my life. Wow-as I thought of typing “with the trauma’s in my life” I could hear and visualize my abuser’s mocking me saying that… as if I am over reacting/dramatizing the way I was treated, the things that happened. Odd, that is the first time that I actually visualized and heard them, usually I just feel like I am being self pitying and push it all away.
It is such a turning point that you heard them. That is so awesome. When we can sense what messages are coming from our abusers, we can make changes in our beliefs. And yes, those were traumas.
Congratulations on enjoying your massage! I’ve been seeing a trauma informed massage therapist for over two years (once every two weeks) and still hate going… My original goal was just to get used to touching and embodiment, but I found the same; so much trauma tied up in my body. I have some of the most intense flashbacks during massage and we still have never worked my torso! Sometimes I struggle to let her do my shoulders; I’m thoroughly exhausted afterwards. My bodyworker is also a survivor, so her patience and understanding has been hugely helpful towards trusting that recovery is possible. I get down because I struggle to see how I can ever have a romantic partner if I can’t even trust or enjoy a massage (it sometimes is literally painful to be touched), but I keep at it because one of my parts is a believer/cheerleader…
Body work can be so incredibly hard for us because all our traumatic memories and emotions are stored there. Do you have a way of processing what comes up in the massage? I highly recommend writing from the flashbacks or emotions that come to the surface. This can help them to release so they don’t keep coming back every time.