There is a problem with the human experience. We don’t have a point of reference. We have only known one reality. And that one reality may not be the best way to live a life. I am finding that despite all of my efforts to recover, and the progress I have made, I still have some habits that aren’t healthy. They aren’t conscious habits. In fact, I didn’t know they were a problem. But lately, I am starting to realize that I need to make changes … fundamental changes to the way I live.
First, I have to start breathing. I know that sounds a little crazy. I rarely think about it. I don’t think many people do. But I don’t breathe … not really anyway. I probably use about 10% of my lung capacity. I know there are several reasons for this. When I was a colicky baby, my father would suffocate me to stop my crying. I was also strangled a few times during my childhood. As a defense mechanism, I learned to take in as little air as possible. As a child, it seemed like a good way to stay alive. If I am not breathing, but still living, nobody can hurt me by taking away my ability to breathe. It seemed reasonable.
But there are other reasons. As a child, I was sick a lot. I had pneumonia and other lung illnesses more times than I can count. In addition, my immune system was too shut down to fight these illnesses because I was always in “fight or flight” mode. I believe that my lungs have been inundated with toxins for quite some time. And I have learned to work around it.
But breathing well also requires cooperation. I haven’t wanted to breathe. I learned how to dissociate at a very young age. The physical effects of dissociation include slowing down the breathing and the blood flow. This prepares the body to experience less pain when under attack. Put another way, if I am dissociated, I am not present. I am somewhere else. In extreme cases, I am watching circumstances unfold from afar.
If I am breathing deeply, I have to be present. I cannot be dissociated and present. Coming back to the present moment has been one of the most challenging aspects of my recovery journey. If I am present, I cannot ignore the memories of my past that need to be addressed. I cannot avoid the pain. In order to breathe, I have to face whatever part of my past is still behind the curtain.
And then, there is food. My family used to withhold food. Sometimes, it was withheld on purpose because I had done something “wrong”. Sometimes, food was withheld by default because they were neglectful. Once again, my child had the perfect solution. I learned to take in as few calories as possible and still function. I also learned to sleep instead of eat. I could sleep through some very intense feelings of hunger. I wasn’t anorexic, but definitely a bit underdeveloped. I weighed 100 pounds at high school graduation. I finally reached a reasonable weight after leaving home. For me, the freshman fifteen became the freshman twenty-five.
Even though I am no longer living in that environment, I still have bad habits. When I get stressed, I will choose to sleep instead of eat. After my children were born, I skipped so many meals in an effort to get sleep that I dropped to 105 pounds. I was completely emaciated. Although I have gained the weight back, I have been known to eat a quick snack and call it dinner. I don’t always eat the nutrition necessary to keep going at full potential. Honestly, I am not sure what full potential feels like. I don’t think I have ever known it. I have spent too much of my life trying to get air and nourishment … trying to stay alive. I can’t do all that I am capable of doing because there is nothing to fuel it.
So I need to go back to the basics. I need to give myself the opportunity to breathe and eat good food. I need to go back to what matters most. I need to find that stable foundation.
I will care for myself.
By caring for myself, I will transform myself.
And by transforming myself, I will change the world.
I appreciate you saying what a lot of us can’t. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m grateful for your openness in recovery.
Thank you so much!
It’s weird that under your posting about not eating well is an ad for McDonald’s – world’s least nourishing food! I assume you can’t do anything about this however…just letting you know.
I wish I could choose those ads.
I hope you wont mind a suggestion. Maybe a nutritionist would be very helpful.?
Thank you for the suggestion. I am actually going to see one soon.
It’s interesting how that happens when we’re too young to realize it; such effective survival mechanisms that go awry. Even after years of work with food and breathing, I still struggle, especially when under stress.
Absolutely! Stress will mess up all my plans to be healthy. I will instantaneously go back in to survival mode.
I am a survivor of extreme sexual, emotional and mental abuse, too. I find reading your blog very comforting and inspirational. Thank you so much for being so brave and honest. I still struggle with issues about food and body image every day, but knowing that there are people like us out there that are thriving, at any and all levels, is a great help.
Thank you so much Nancy. I am glad you are reading. It is truly healing to know there are others working through this too.
Thank you for this post. I really want to care for myself too. 🙂
It is so important.
I remember completely, that I used to tell myself to breathe when I was little. I’m not getting exactly what kept me from breathing, but I’m sure it has to do with my brothers wrapping me up my my baby blanket like a mummy and tickling me. I’m sure I would shut down my breathing to get them to stop. Because the more I yelled and fought, they more they “tortured” me.
I still to this day breathe very shallowly.
And I thought I knew what all of my childhood traumas were.
This has been one of the most difficult areas for me to change. To this day, I struggle with eating and breathing when I am dissociating.
Your story is so similar to our daughter , but she got out earlier! She does or has done everything talk about apart from she binges when disassociated. She can’t read the signals her body is sending her (leads to other issues to). Breathing is great. It really helps our girl self regulate. You not only calm down but you feed your immune system as well. The breath out can also release a lot of unwanted emotions. Do you do yoga? Our house mantra is talk, breath, eat well, sleep well
I am a twenty-year yogi now. It is a critical part of my recovery. I love your house mantra.
As always I find you so insightful to your journey and then you’re sharing is always eloquent and purposeful.
Yes our point of reference was so crazily skewed, our essence and light so deeply buried and shaken.
The layers and layers of my recovery have gotten me angry at myself so many times thinking how I’ve already worked on this, I already found this, yet here it is again but ahhh this time it’s another valuable lesson within the same layer.
I’ve gotten immensely better at not blaming and shaming myself by finding those Little Mary’s and listening, loving and caring.
Getting back to the basics is so pertinent to me as well. Its been a long journey to getting to the understanding that I never got healthy basics and that wasn’t my fault, so of course in my 60s Im learning the basics of self care.
For me recently it’s allowing & giving myself healthy supportive social interactions really for the first time, whether it’s visiting or taking a hike with a friend, joining an art group, regularly attending a women’s group AND fun and social exercise, without guilt, blame or shame.
Having no sense of self I didn’t know these basics were missing or know that it was OK to give to myself, I was afraid to, I only knew I would die if I dared put self first, I had to go thru the layers one by one as they presented themselves. Relationship, healthy relationship is a basic fundamental as is learning to breathe with ease and eating for health, exercise for joy and longevity, whatever makes a healthier happier Self!
Your post shined the light for me on how we need to do all this other digging and excavation and finding out who we are before were even open and receptive to learning the basics. Even to finding which basics we need. And Yes basics come in layers to….
Another testimonial to Grace for self and need and desire to continue this healing journey.
Thank you Elizabeth 💙🙏🏻💚
Thank you Mary! This is such great awareness you are building. We are often so out of touch with who we are and what we need. It is critically important to start asking these questions.