We underestimate children. I have been reminded of this fact lately with so many seeking to discredit Dylan Farrow. I am particularly bothered by the notion that at 7 years old, Dylan only said what her mother told her to say. I find this incredibly hard to believe. While I find it painful to watch others label Mia a liar and manipulator, I am going to focus on the child. Even if mothers would do something this horrible to their children, parental alienation doesn’t work because children don’t work that way.
I know this for two reasons:
1) I am the mother of two 7-year-olds. I watch them try to figure out life every single day.
2) I remember my own experiences of child sex abuse at 7 years old.
Here are my observations about how children actually approach life:
Children Love Unconditionally
There is no population on this planet who loves the way a child does. When I was growing up, I loved my parents despite what they were doing to me. I desperately wanted them to change. I wanted them to stop abusing me. I wanted them to be real parents. I wanted that more than anything. Even as an adult, it was an extremely difficult decision to speak out about my abuse. I knew that would end any possibility of a reconciliation with my parents. But as an adult, I was able to see them for who they really were. I was able to see their selfishness and understand that they were not going to change.
Until I recovered my first memory of parental abuse, my parents were involved in my children’s lives. When I made the decision to cut ties with my parents for my children’s safety, it was difficult for all of us. My children were only three, so I could not tell them the whole story. I spent a tremendous amount of time trying to figure out how to explain it to them. Originally, I was going to take the fall and tell them it was my decision. But I received some good advice. I was told I should not tell the kids it was my fault, because that was a lie. I wasn’t the abusive person in the relationship. And my kids look up to me. They need to know I am a good person – not perfect – but good. In the end, I told them that nana and grandpa didn’t want me to tell the truth, so I can’t be their friend any more.
Did they accept that answer? Not entirely. They still love them. They still ask why I can’t work it out with them. They don’t understand how adults can decide to end a relationship. When they have a fight with someone, they get upset in the moment. Five minutes later, they love the same. If I had been evil enough to use them against my parents in some way, they would not have cooperated with that. They would have told me to work it out. Anything else goes against their fundamental desire to love unconditionally.
Children Seek the Truth
As a child, I was dying to tell the truth … literally. My parents didn’t just suggest that I be quiet about the abuse. They beat me. In some cases, I was beaten and strangled within inches of my life. I was threatened with death every day. And yet, there were times when I still spoke out. Of course, nobody helped me which is another issue for another article. I know that I am a willful person. I agree that some children might have less of a fight in them. But no child is without will.
My children are no exception to that rule. They know the truth is important. And they are willing to embarrass me in order to uphold it. I will go out on a limb and talk about a situation when I lacked integrity, so I can make my point. Don’t judge me. We were in the line for the Empire State Building observation deck. The tickets are not cheap. My children were 6 years old, and of course, 5-year-olds were free. My children are also short for their age. (You know where this is going.)
I am not proud of what happened next. I told my son to tell the ticket man that he was 5. At the top of his lungs, he shouted, “You want me to lie?” I will never forget the alarmed look on his face. In that moment, I realized that I had just screwed up big time. What kind of example was I setting? When we reached the counter, the man asked me if they were 5, because they looked like they were 5. With my son listening, I reluctantly told him they were 6, but they looked 5, and I prepared for the extra $50 payment. He told me it was close enough and he let them go for free. I was speechless. My son had just taught me a very important lesson.
I asked him to lie, and he said no.
Children Lie (but not about the important stuff)
With that being said, children lie. They lie because they don’t want to get in trouble. They lie about eating a piece of candy that they weren’t supposed to eat. They lie about who started an argument. They lie about eating their lunch. They lie about breaking a toy. And they always give themselves away. They will smile. They will look away. They will make that face that says, “I’m just seeing what will happen here, so give me a break, ok?”
They are experimenting with the best way to stay out of trouble. They want to understand what happens when they lie. They are not manipulating adults with lies. They are experimenting with the world around them. And our reactions to their lies (and their truths) will affect their life choices dramatically.
As a child, I lied. I lied for the same reasons that my children lie. I wanted to stay out of trouble. But in my case, I wanted to stay alive. So my lies covered up my abuse. I was lying to keep my parents out of trouble because I knew that my punishment would be severe. I would tell teachers that I fell. I would tell babysitters that I was fine even when my urinary tract infections were so painful I could not use the bathroom. I would tell friends that I had a great family. I would say anything to make my life safer. I never considered lying to make my life less safe.
Children Fantasize (but not about sex)
Children love to fantasize. Their imaginations are perfectly honed to help them understand the world around them through their own symbolism and stories. My children fantasize every day. In the past week, the fantasies in our house have sounded like this:
“A giant’s tooth would be as big as this apple.”
“Do you think there are unicorns in those waves?”
“When I grow up, I am going to have a white dog and three horses.”
“Do you think we will see real dragons today?”
They fantasize about things they can understand to help them figure out the things they can’t understand. They fantasize about what they know. They know unicorns, dragons, gnomes, knights and princesses. They know love, family, school, friends and sports. They don’t know sex. They don’t know rape. They don’t know the mechanics of the adult body. They don’t know these things because it isn’t time for them to know it yet. We don’t read them stories or show them movies about it. If they know about sex, if they know details about the sexual functions of the human body parts, they are in an abusive environment.
Of course, I was in an abusive environment. And I fantasized when I was growing up. I used to daydream about being rescued. I fantasized about living with a real family that loved me. I dreamed of running away to another country where the adults were nice. As a matter of a fact, I was almost never present. Dissociation was my defense mechanism. I never fantasized about having sex. I didn’t want to spend one more minute on that topic. It was already ruling my life.
These characteristics of children make it impossible for parents to “suggest” false and complicated sexual stories for children to repeat. Children love their parents unconditionally, even when they are separate from them, even when they may have done something wrong. Children seek the truth relentlessly and at all costs. Their lies and fantasies are simple and symbolic representations of what they know. They are not about complex adult issues.
We have to gain a better understanding about how children navigate the world, so that we can give them the credit they deserve. They are not just inexperienced adults. They are complex individuals with their own approach to life that makes it impossible for them to commit the acts we accuse them of. We must trust our children. We must believe them.
Note: To be clear, I am not discussing teenagers. Teenagers can make up stories, however there are other reasons why they would not make up a story about sex abuse.
Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.
Thank you!
I admire your tireless work for a vital cause/issue. Thank you.
I find the same sort of thing happens in so-called parental alienation syndrome – whereby the mother (mostly) is accused of brainwashing the kids against the father (mostly).
Honestly, if I had the power to brainwash and control my children to that extent, they would have spotless bedrooms, straight A report cards and eat their 6 to 10 a day – and there would be all done without me having to raise an eyebrow.
I honestly feel this constant blaming of women goes way back in history – and the rape culture/victim-blaming/women-blaming we have today is a modern day form of the witch hunt or like in Biblical times when women were labelled Jezebels – note that there was no male equivalent for these names.
Agreed. I focused on the children in this post, but I feel very strongly about how quick we are blame the women over the men. It seems easier to label Mia a liar then to label Woody a pedophile. Why is that?
And I agree with what you are saying about brainwashing children. Those are great examples. If children listened to our suggestions, parenting would be so much easier (even a little boring).
Why is that? I think it is because it is easier for people to understand lying than to understand pedophilia. It is easier for them to believe Mia lied. If she wasn’t lying, then the Woody IS a pedophile. Which means there really are pedophiles, and they don’t live in seclusion in cabins hundreds of miles from civilization, and they don’t look like monsters. It means that anyone could be that person you fear the most…..and you wouldn’t even know. It means it can be an actor whose films you have enjoyed and admited. It could be the mailman whom you have given a loaf of banana bread to every Christmas for the last five years. It could be your Sunday school teacher, high school coach and funny neighbor across the street. They don’t look differently, horrific, or scary and they don’t where signs. Yes, it is easier for people to believe the “victim” is lying because then they don’t have to face the terrifying truth. Just my thoughts.
On a separate note, dear friend, Wonderful Post!!! Thank you and I will be sharing it 😀 Huge hugs to you!
Beautifully said Kathy! Thank you!
Geez….talk about typos. Admired, not admited and wear, not where. Sigh……… LOL
Excellent, as always, Elisabeth. God has given you so much wisdom as well as help and comfort for so many people. May God continue to use you and richly richly bless you.
Thank you Steven!
There’s a best seller in you.
I would love it if you are right.
I am, and I’d like to discuss it with you. Your story’s already published. We just have to figure out a way to pull it all together. As I’ve said before, Elisabeth, your story could help more people than you could even imagine.
We will discuss it then. 🙂
Wonderful. How do you suggest we approach working together? I’m helping a writer in Seattle work on her book now (it is her story of overcoming abuse in a bad relationship) and we are emailing back and forth. I prefer also chatting on Skype or on the phone, but all will be up to you and work around your schedule. I know it’s packed, so you decide what’s best for you.
I’ll email you. We can start there.
Okay. I think I may have given you my private email, but in case I didn’t please email me at stevesawforhim@gmail.com. My regular email gets pretty cluttered. I’m sure to get your emails and respond in a timely fashion at the email above. Thanks. I look forward to hearing from you.
Many thanks for another great post. As you say, the truth is so important to children re the big and important stuff and their consciences cannot easily be manipulated.
Exactly Rachel, Thank you.
Reblogged this on RESTORE~ation: and commented:
Please read this. SO important and true.
Thank you!
Reblogged this on Reflections on Life Thus Far and commented:
Great post!
Thank you!
You’re welcome & thank you, too 🙂
Excellent post!!! I could not agree more. I never have thought one second it was a lie and it sickens me that many take this as a lie or that it isn’t the same because the child is adopted…I cannot get over how adults can think this way when they are actually judging and accusing a young child. Children do NOT make up things like that. I love your blog!
Thank you so much!
Reblogged this on Thinking Out Loud.
Thank you!
You’re welcome
I read your article on The Mama Bear Effect facebook post. One of the best articles I’ve ever read on this subject! I shared it on my page, and hope many people get the chance to read it! Thank you for writing it!
Thank you so much Sarah!
Yes, I thought it was odd at how many celebrities and folks came out in defense of Woody Allen… and yet no one thought about that he married his young adopted daughter. But anyway, if brainwashing worked, my daughter would never have had temper tantrums(very strong willed) and addiction to wild gaudy clothing and accessories to preschool. Which are things that I absolutely love about her….maybe Temper tantrums no…strong-willedness(yes, my made up word) and wild and crazy attire- Definitely!
Definitely!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing this.