I refer to the end of the calendar year as the Trifecta. I don’t know why I call it a Trifecta because it isn’t. There are actually four major events in October, November and December creating chaos in this single mother’s life. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my twins’ birthday, which is today, create a perfect storm of far too much to get done. In addition to all of the personal aspects of life as a single mother, my business is growing. I want to be clear, I am NOT complaining about that. I am also not complaining about my children having another birthday today. I love those little buggers and am eternally grateful for them. But I am thankful to be trained in project management right now, which is allowing me to hold things together just barely.
Needless to say, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m making lists in the shower and scheduling my day down to the minute. I can do that though. I have been using excessive busyness as a defense mechanism for years. I know how to be busy. But these days, I am noticing something different. I am sure it was always there, but it is just now coming to my awareness. It is a current of terror that runs underneath the overwhelm. It isn’t just the feeling that things are busy and I have to manage them closely. It is the feeling that mismanagement will result in dire consequences.
I understand that when I was a child, my need to keep everything straight and maintain my perfection mask was coming from a place of life or death. It wasn’t acceptable to mess up. I understand that. I have known that for years. My controller inner part was developed to achieve this particular goal in life. And my controller does her job well. But this year, on Thanksgiving Day, I was introduced to my back-up plan.
This back-up plan came in the form of a new inner part. And I have to admit, I was a little shocked to meet him. He is the first male part I have met. He even gave himself a name, which many of my parts don’t do. Aside from my love seeker, they seem to like their labels of mean kid, karma kid, the controller, etc. But his role was the most shocking. My controller has been so good at her job over the years, I had no idea there would be a need for this part. But apparently, he holds the emergency shutdown switch. And when the system gets too overwhelmed, when things seem so hopeless that a breakdown or explosion is the only option left, he does what he needs to do.
What does that look like? He takes me down physically. How? He can make me instantly exhausted. He can make me fall asleep in almost any place. But he also makes me sick. When all else fails, he resorts to severe physical illness. I have always been aware of my propensity for illness. I even knew it was a defense in most cases. But until now, I didn’t realize how calculated it was.
My other shock is the way he talks. I NEVER talk like this (or so I thought). He comes at life as if nothing matters. He doesn’t subscribe to the powerlessness perspective. I believe he holds a lot of power. He comes at life from the belief that everything will just work itself out. Of course, that doesn’t sound so bad at first. It even sounds healthy. But he isn’t talking about letting go. He is talking about handing all responsibility over to others and just ignoring everything that needs to be done. Wow! I didn’t know I did that.
But he is sharing memories. And I most certainly did do that. Honestly, I sounded a bit my like my ex-husband. So this shines a light on some of my triggers in that relationship. Of course, my controller hates this part. My controller wishes he would go away forever (like most of my parts). But I have to admit, I am fascinated. I know these memories won’t be pretty, but I also know what happens when each part is done sharing.
And I would like to find a way to feel less panicked about the overwhelm. And while his approach is certainly lacking, the idea that not everything needs controlling all the time is something I want to fully embrace. All of my parts have brought a grounded truth with them, and I do believe this is his. So I may be in shock, but I am also intrigued. I look forward to this part of my journey. And I look forward to him helping me calm down when the list gets long. Because something tells me, it is never going to be short.
I love parts talking as I have many also, thanks for your newest insight. Since many of my parts fight with one another for their own control and say in the matter, I have developed a team/family approach that we were all in this together and we are all for good and we can love each other, it feels like it helps, it’s like introducing my parts to each other in a loving supportive environment that they never knew. Blessings
That is a great approach Mary. It definitely works.
all those things to do, being a single mom, being a home owner
being a business owner — I was able to stay so busy that I never had contact with my other parts — I stuffed them into a closet and shut the door tightly. as long as I had another thing to do on my list I was able to keep going – I became a human doing rather than a human being — and then one day — I crashed. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt so humiliated. so much shame. a failure. I needed help to deal with what was in the closet. slowly recovering.
Thank you for your comment Debra. This describes my journey too. I kept myself too busy, until I could not do it anymore. And I had to look inward.
I love the way you describe this. I feel like I am overwhelmed these days too… as you already know from our work together…and with the undercurrent of terror.. funny… until you said that I never would have come up with it on my own. I also feel super tired lately as well. I so appreciate you sharing these things in this way – I have always found your blog entries to resonate with me. Thank you <3
Thank you Victoria! I am so glad you have the courage to see yourself in my writings. That awareness is huge.
This is very interesting. And I wonder if family members who I know who just go and go and go, and are even unable to stay alone for more than 20 minutes, because, I would imagine, there would be too much pain in their own thoughts? And I get that extroverts gain energy by being with others, busy, social. How do I manage by own introvert/ptsd coping mechanisms of needing the alone time with no talking or listening required, for me, to gain energy? I am overwhelmed by the thought of spending time with people, never by my own thoughts. I need the time to do the inner conversations and then lots of time to sleep and just be alone, and productive. But how do you manage when clashing with others coping mechanisms? Thoughts? After a certain time my brain is shut down and full and needs to rest by being alone. help. The others who are going inner crazy want to do stuff with me?!?!
Hi Michelle, This is all about boundaries. It is especially hard when we are being targeted as an accomplice in a defense mechanism, but we have to stand our ground. It is critical that we say no when we need to protect our inner parts. And when we feel that pull of codependence, when our love seeker can’t cope with the idea of disappointing others, we must reassure them, but stay strong in our no.
Have you also thought about the physically draining effects of PTSD? In the past, when I was not yet on disability, I too often got sick. Lately, I’ve been piecing together all my many physical struggles and realize they’re all either from injuries caused by the abuse, or ailments caused by the PTSD. I’m in no way suggesting that your newly found personality isn’t real or has no power over your body. I’m just wondering if he and the PTSD are kind of a power duo for illness.
I actually see them as the same. That parts are the body. They are the PTSD. They feed the mind. They fuel the body response to trauma. They are inextricably tied to our trauma responses.
This is really interesting to read Elisabeth. I have a very powerful shut down response to trauma. I have a regular, really enjoyable evening planned every Thursday night where I meet with friends and discuss things that are really important to us all. But, every Thursday lunchtime I start to feel unwell. I get irritable, I can’t process conversation, I go into panic mode, I get awful body pains, complete exhaustion, and I know there isn’t anything physically wrong. I call it ‘Thursdayitis’. My abuser came to that public place and didn’t speak to me made his presence known for several weeks. I tried to ignore him but how can you ignore it when your abuser sits in the same room knowing the effect it’s going to have on you? (which is the whole point) I couldn’t go for about 6 months, then I finally decided to face my fears. Most Thursdays, despite the fact he hasn’t turned up for about a year, I go into shut down. I try to tell myself there isn’t anything to fear but I have no control over the shut down. I often just have to curl up into my duvet in bed and let it wash over me until I wake up Friday morning. Does this sound familiar? I know some of my friends think I’m exaggerating but I’m most definitely not.
I am so sorry Lisa. I am sure you are not exaggerating. I do know that feeling and it make so much sense based on your experiences. Sending my love to you.