As a survivor of family-controlled child sex abuse and trafficking, I spent the first half of my life running an exhausting marathon obstacle course. I was pushing my way through life like I was at war every day, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, always expecting the next horrible thing to happen to me. I was living a life full of abusive relationships, emotional swings and fear-based decisions. I was sure that inner peace was just not possible for me.
But eight years ago, my twins were born. Almost instantly, I realized that my recovery could no longer be avoided. For the safety of my twins, and my own peace, I knew I had to muster the courage to face the shadows. I had to bring the darkness to the light. I had to commit to transform even though it terrified me.
The past eight years have been hard, but I have to admit, they would have been impossible without my recovery. I know that. Through my recovery, I have relieved myself of the constant inner turmoil that ruled my outer life. I have gained the ability to experience a peaceful presence that I never thought possible. Most importantly, I have stopped the manifestations of trauma that haunted my family for generations. I know that cycle is stopped and that adds to my peace.
I have transformed myself. Now let me help you bring your darkness in to the light.
Let me show you how to leave the past behind and find the peace you are so desperately searching for.
Let me help you find your own gift that lives below the years of pain.
It is possible. It is not easy. It takes strength and courage. It takes commitment to awareness. But it is possible.
Let’s start now.
3 Steps to Overcoming the Awareness Challenge
Sign up to receive updates from the blog and get my FREE eBOOK. Begin taking steps today!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
Ways that I can support you in our work together...
When we can calm our own inner waters, we can reflect the storms of the world differently. Our inner world reflects our outer world. Our outer world guides us to our next inner journey. When our waters become still, our path appears before us. Clarity comes, but only once we can find the peace to see it.
As parents and survivors of trauma, we want to stop the cycle of abuse. But there is deeper work to be done. Uncovering our inner beliefs and shining a light on our shadow world can bring a new legacy of light to our family. Our children can learn from our example and adopt a new way of living.
I am dedicated to spreading awareness of the horrors of child abuse and trafficking. I do this by shining a light on today’s abuses and the effects on victims. Being trauma-informed requires that organizations and media partner with survivors. I can work with you to end violence through awareness.
I refer to the end of the calendar year as the Trifecta. I don’t know why I call it a Trifecta because it isn’t. There are actually four major events in October, November and December creating chaos in this single mother’s life. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my twins’ birthday, which is today, create a perfect storm of far too much to get done. In addition to all of the personal aspects of life as a single mother, my business is growing. I want to be clear, I am NOT complaining about that. I am also not complaining about my children having another birthday today. I love those little buggers and am eternally grateful for them. But I am thankful to be trained in project management right now, which is allowing me to hold things together just barely. Needless to say, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m making lists in the shower and scheduling my day down to the minute. I can do that though. I have been using excessive busyness as a defense mechanism for years. I know how to be busy. But these days, I am noticing something different. I am sure it was always there, but it is just now coming to my awareness. It is a current of terror that runs underneath the overwhelm. It isn’t just the feeling that things are busy and I have to manage them closely. It is the feeling that mismanagement will result in dire consequences. I understand that when I was a child, my need to keep everything straight and maintain my perfection mask was coming... read more
It’s November. And in the United States, that means the focus has shifted from spooky and scary stuff to family and gratitude. For survivors of trauma, there’s nothing scarier than family and gratitude. I have discussed the triggers coming from the endless Hallmark commercials focusing on family, but today, I will discuss gratitude. But I want to start with a caveat. I get the importance of gratitude. I get the power of manifestation that it brings. I am not discounting that. My goal is to highlight the complexities. For survivors of trauma, it is not as simple as an affirmation or list in a journal. It is much more complicated than that. Why? Gratitude doesn’t come from the mind. It comes from the body. And our unresolved trauma resides in our body. This morning, I was standing in my bathroom and something dawned on me. My children have not been sick in a while. They have had the sniffles and maybe a cough that didn’t last long, but there have been no major illnesses to stop us in our tracks this fall. As I began to state and feel gratitude for this, I heard a voice loud and clear. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!! Don’t say that. Are you crazy? You have just invited the wrath of hell to rain down upon you.” While I have known for some time that my inner parts are not huge fans of the universe in general, this was a blatant interruption that left me dumbfounded in the moment. So I used this as an opportunity to examine the ways my inner parts are not lining up... read more
Dear God, I have tried to believe in you. I really have. I desperately want you to be there. If you aren’t there, it would be difficult for me to have the hope I need to keep going, to push through the darkest days of recovery and life in general. But I’m going to be honest with you. I haven’t had the kind of life which encourages undying faith. With inescapable trauma plaguing my entire childhood, creating painful patterns in my adulthood, it didn’t promote a general appreciation for the beauty that is life. I know I innately have it. But it is so marred in trauma, I can’t see it. And I’ll be even more honest, the people didn’t help very much. When I was growing up, religion was used against me all the time. My abusers made it clear that I was to honor my father and mother. They used guilt, so much guilt, to keep me under their control. They let me know that God likes girls who fall in line, do as their told and never speak up. They let me know God believes men are more important than women, even that women are here for the benefit and pleasure of men. They quoted the Bible just to prove they were right. Honestly, I didn’t understand who wrote the Bible until I was older. I always thought you did. I didn’t know that men did. And I’ll be honest again. Other people weren’t much better. They told me that I should just believe in you and everything would be okay. They told me to pray... read more
Dear Inner Parts, You don’t live in the past anymore. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I am an adult and I am here to help and protect you when you need it. We live in a different world now. We have more power to make change. We have more options than we used to. We are no longer powerless. Oh yeah. Who says? How do you know for sure? That mean friend treated us horribly yesterday. It was the same betrayal. It was the same lack of empathy. It was the same horrible treatment as the family. It was just one more person in a line of mean bullies. How is it different? It is different because I am different. I don’t have to be controlled by them. I don’t have to compromise myself to make them happy. I don’t have to be someone I am not. They don’t put the roof over my head. They don’t feed me. If they aren’t comfortable with my boundaries, they can leave. And if they leave, I will not die. Oh yeah. What about all those bad things that keep happening? It is just like before. There are always bad things. They never stop. Every time we get our feet on the ground, there is some new disaster, a new mess to clean up. How is it different? It is different because I am different. I have the power and strength to respond to the bad things and make them right. I have the ability to see myself in another way. I am not a victim to those bad things. ... read more
This isn’t going to be one of those easy-to-read blog posts. Honestly, most of my writing is difficult to read. But today I am going to focus on our selfishness. It is easy to talk about the selfishness of others, but I would not be doing my job if I did not encourage you to take responsibility for your behavior. Most of the time, we are taught there are victims and perpetrators. There are co-dependents and narcissists. But in reality, it doesn’t work like that. Nothing is black and white, even if our inner parts want us to believe it is. I share many articles on my Facebook page about narcissists and how they treat others. I do this because I want to raise awareness about relational trauma and how it plays out. I don’t share it because I like labels. As a matter of a fact, I hate labels. Defining ourselves based on societal labels is dangerous. Once we accept them, it can be incredibly painful to let them go. And they are rarely true anyway. I used to subscribe to the belief that I was a victim and a codependent. I was attached to the notion that I was a giver who was always taken advantage of by selfish people. It certainly made sense in childhood. When I was a child, this was clearly the scenario. But in adulthood, it wasn’t true. I remember when I came to understand things differently. Not surprisingly, it was in my therapist’s office. I was explaining a particular situation in my marriage. I was touting my efforts to give my husband whatever he... read more
I have been thinking about time these past few days. To give credit where credit is due, I have been thinking about time because I have a client who has been thinking about time. Our discussions have reminded me of my own struggles with time. I have struggled with time as if I am looking for a formula for how to spend it. If I find that perfect formula, I won’t feel so rushed, so overwhelmed or so confused about priorities. But it doesn’t work that way. There is no formula. The way we spend our time is supposed to be an intuitive and present process. But for those of us who struggle with the impacts of trauma, we have lost touch with both. We can’t be truly intuitive because our trauma is in the way. We don’t have access to our true purpose. We don’t have access to the next step. They are marred with self-doubt, self-hatred and anger-fueled anxiety. And we aren’t present either. We can’t sit in this moment. We can spend time. We can be on time. But we can’t spend time in the now. We can’t be in time. If we are in time, if we are present, the flashbacks, emotions and other intrusions come flooding back. So we avoid the present moment. But there is a nagging feeling that time is escaping us. There is this whisper underneath the surface that says we are missing the point, making us feel worse. So we go through the days trying to prioritize our time with no real access to the information we need to do... read more