As a survivor of family-controlled child sex abuse and trafficking, I spent the first half of my life running an exhausting marathon obstacle course. I was pushing my way through life like I was at war every day, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, always expecting the next horrible thing to happen to me. I was living a life full of abusive relationships, emotional swings and fear-based decisions. I was sure that inner peace was just not possible for me.
But eight years ago, my twins were born. Almost instantly, I realized that my recovery could no longer be avoided. For the safety of my twins, and my own peace, I knew I had to muster the courage to face the shadows. I had to bring the darkness to the light. I had to commit to transform even though it terrified me.
The past eight years have been hard, but I have to admit, they would have been impossible without my recovery. I know that. Through my recovery, I have relieved myself of the constant inner turmoil that ruled my outer life. I have gained the ability to experience a peaceful presence that I never thought possible. Most importantly, I have stopped the manifestations of trauma that haunted my family for generations. I know that cycle is stopped and that adds to my peace.
I have transformed myself. Now let me help you bring your darkness in to the light.
Let me show you how to leave the past behind and find the peace you are so desperately searching for.
Let me help you find your own gift that lives below the years of pain.
It is possible. It is not easy. It takes strength and courage. It takes commitment to awareness. But it is possible.
Let’s start now.
3 Steps to Overcoming the Awareness Challenge
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Ways that I can support you in our work together...
When we can calm our own inner waters, we can reflect the storms of the world differently. Our inner world reflects our outer world. Our outer world guides us to our next inner journey. When our waters become still, our path appears before us. Clarity comes, but only once we can find the peace to see it.
As parents and survivors of trauma, we want to stop the cycle of abuse. But there is deeper work to be done. Uncovering our inner beliefs and shining a light on our shadow world can bring a new legacy of light to our family. Our children can learn from our example and adopt a new way of living.
I am dedicated to spreading awareness of the horrors of child abuse and trafficking. I do this by shining a light on today’s abuses and the effects on victims. Being trauma-informed requires that organizations and media partner with survivors. I can work with you to end violence through awareness.
For anyone who has spent time with me over the past few weeks, you probably found it hard to miss my latest obsession. Recently I discovered BBC’s Sherlock. I know what you are going to say next. “Elisabeth, you are 7 years late to that party.” I know that. I have never been a big fan of crime shows and I guess I assumed this would be the same. I never bothered to watch. But Sherlock is not about crime. It is, but it isn’t. It is about something else. And while I know my inner parts have driven this obsession (because all obsessions are driven by parts), I am just now realizing why. Sherlock is about inner parts. It is about trauma. It is about repressed memories and the way they run our lives. But most importantly, it is about love. I am not one of those self-development people who touts the all-encompassing beauty of love in the world. I didn’t grow up in an environment that supported such things. I never had the luxury of spending time on things like love. I grew up in hell. So not surprisingly, my controller took over. My controller has always been very strong. My controller was built for survival and lives in the mind. Vulnerability, emotions and love were never a part of the program. Love was a mistake. Love was something to be avoided at all costs. And there is no TV character who epitomizes the controller more than Sherlock. He is the ultimate controller But all controllers have one thing in common. They can’t do what they are... read more
The impacts of my traumatic childhood cannot be measured. They are too vast and far-reaching for me to classify, categorize or otherwise explain. That said, I do try. My controller hasn’t given up on the idea that I can define it. This blog exists because of my attempts to define it, so it’s not all bad. But the reality is too much for any one person to grasp entirely. Over the course of my adult life, I have done my best to be an adult. But with a childhood of complex trauma and a coping mechanism which took the form of dissociative identity disorder, I haven’t always had the ability to handle life from an adult place. Sometimes my younger parts have handled things for me and this has rarely gone well. Sometimes my controller has handled things and exhausted me in the process. But sometimes the paralysis hits. I don’t know exactly what causes it. Maybe there are too many parts who want to go in too many directions. Maybe the powerlessness is too much for the system and the shutdown is inevitable. Maybe some part believes that if I hide from it long enough, it will go away. All of these reactions come from my childhood coping and none of them will bring the best result. But often, I don’t have the ability, awareness and fortitude to overcome it. Recently, I have noticed that my precious computer has been acting in a problematic manner. I do have an information technology background, but unlike many of my friends working in that sector, I am not a gadget person. ... read more
We go way back. Don’t get me wrong, I go way back with the other parts too, but you are the one I remember the most. You are the one I always heard, always followed, always believed. Honestly, you are the one I thought was me. You sound exactly like me, or at least I thought you did. You are so logical and rational. You sound just like all the other adults I know. You know all the rules of society. You know the laws. You know how to avoid the pitfalls of life. You sound just like what I was told I should be. Why wouldn’t I think you were me? Of course, I know you ARE me. You are the part who took all the messed up experiences and created the perfect mask for me to use when I faced the horrible, evil, untrustworthy world. You use incredibly detail-oriented skills to watch the world like very few can. You are the best project manager ever (if I do say so myself). You never miss an appointment. You are never late. You make things happen no matter what. Honestly, you are impressive. But there were issues. You know what I mean. How many times did the boss compare you to a “bull in a china shop”? He would laugh, but we knew he meant it. There is a dark side to your regime. You don’t do relationships. You don’t do people. It would be fair to say you chew them up and spit them out. If they get in your way, you plow right through them. You don’t... read more
I have many clients who struggle with the possibility they can be loving, compassionate, grounded, patient and any other characteristic they need for recovery work. They tell me they can’t possibly be this way because they have never been shown how to be that way. Their parents didn’t behave that way, and they certainly haven’t felt any inkling of those characteristics since entering adulthood. And I really get it. When I started this journey, I felt the same way. How in the world was I going to parent my inner and outer children when nobody ever parented me? How was I going to love myself (or anyone else) when nobody ever loved me? How was I going to be compassionate with my inner parts when nobody ever gave me the benefit of the doubt? How was I going to have patience after a lifetime of fear, of watching everything I ever loved be ripped from my grasp? That wasn’t possible. I was basically screwed. Recovery would never work for me. But for some reason, I didn’t give up. Those beliefs were strong, but I sensed there was something else. It was a tiny something else, but it was still there. For some reason, I had a semblance of understanding that I could learn these things. I had an even smaller semblance of understanding that I already knew these things. So I stuck with the idea that something better was possible. And as we do when we live in our heads, I spent an exorbitant amount of time researching things. I thought I could teach myself how to be what... read more
4 Reasons We Struggle in Relationship & 4 Things We Can Do About It Let’s face it. Relational trauma leads to less-than-stellar relational patterns. And while some healing must happen in relationship, re-traumatization is almost guaranteed. So as I mentioned in another post, there are some aspects of trauma recovery that must happen in isolation or with professional helpers only. But when we are ready to venture in to the world of relationship again, we have to be aware of how we perpetuate our relationship patterns. And believe me, that is painful. It might be the most painful part of recovery. So I want to take this opportunity to help you with it. I want to show you some examples of how you might be perpetuating your trauma patterns based on your own expectations. What do I mean? When we expect the world to work a certain way, it does. Now there a million reasons that statement might trigger you. It sounds awfully victim-blamey. It sounds very new-agey. It sounds like you have tried that and it has failed. But stay with me here. Consider what I have to say about it. It is not your conscious beliefs that are driving this fiasco. It is your inner parts. And while I love them dearly, they need to be taught some new things. Their expectations are ruining lives. So how do those expectations ruin your life? Here are some examples. They think in terms of “all or nothing”. This is actually meant to be a phase of childhood development, but many of us never grow out of it. We have... read more
In my early life, my perfection mask was the best. I covered up all of my insecurities with accomplishments and acquisitions. But I had unconscious beliefs that I knew were the “truth”. I unconsciously knew there was something horribly wrong with me. I unconsciously knew that horrible things had happened to me. I unconsciously knew it was my fault they happened to me. So I was damaged. But I didn’t consciously know until I was pregnant with my twins. At that point, something started to shift. My insecurities started to come forward. My panic that my children would not be safe began rising from the depths of my repressed trauma. I started to get in touch with my intuitive understanding that everything I thought was real was not real. And by the time the twins were born, I was in a full panic most of the time. I had no idea how to care for kids. I knew I had not been taught by my own parents although I didn’t know why I knew that yet. As the memories came back and the emotions were felt, I made several promises to my kids. I would never traffic them. I would never sexually abuse them or allow anyone else to do that. I would never physically abuse them or allow anyone else to do that. I would not neglect them. I would love them unconditionally and be emotionally available to them. I would be a real mother and protector. I wanted to do these things because I didn’t want my children to feel as damaged as I felt. I wanted... read more