As a survivor of family-controlled child sex abuse and trafficking, I spent the first half of my life running an exhausting marathon obstacle course. I was pushing my way through life like I was at war every day, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, always expecting the next horrible thing to happen to me. I was living a life full of abusive relationships, emotional swings and fear-based decisions. I was sure that inner peace was just not possible for me.
But eight years ago, my twins were born. Almost instantly, I realized that my recovery could no longer be avoided. For the safety of my twins, and my own peace, I knew I had to muster the courage to face the shadows. I had to bring the darkness to the light. I had to commit to transform even though it terrified me.
The past eight years have been hard, but I have to admit, they would have been impossible without my recovery. I know that. Through my recovery, I have relieved myself of the constant inner turmoil that ruled my outer life. I have gained the ability to experience a peaceful presence that I never thought possible. Most importantly, I have stopped the manifestations of trauma that haunted my family for generations. I know that cycle is stopped and that adds to my peace.
I have transformed myself. Now let me help you bring your darkness in to the light.
Let me show you how to leave the past behind and find the peace you are so desperately searching for.
Let me help you find your own gift that lives below the years of pain.
It is possible. It is not easy. It takes strength and courage. It takes commitment to awareness. But it is possible.
Let’s start now.
3 Steps to Overcoming the Awareness Challenge
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Ways that I can support you in our work together...
When we can calm our own inner waters, we can reflect the storms of the world differently. Our inner world reflects our outer world. Our outer world guides us to our next inner journey. When our waters become still, our path appears before us. Clarity comes, but only once we can find the peace to see it.
As parents and survivors of trauma, we want to stop the cycle of abuse. But there is deeper work to be done. Uncovering our inner beliefs and shining a light on our shadow world can bring a new legacy of light to our family. Our children can learn from our example and adopt a new way of living.
I am dedicated to spreading awareness of the horrors of child abuse and trafficking. I do this by shining a light on today’s abuses and the effects on victims. Being trauma-informed requires that organizations and media partner with survivors. I can work with you to end violence through awareness.
I have been discovering and learning about my inner landscape for a while now. And I have learned some key aspects to this process of recovery that must be understood. If they are not understood, we will not be able to accept this work. As a matter of a fact, we will be miserable. What are those facts? Your understanding of your narrative is going to shift constantly. Your understanding of self is going to shift constantly. There is no definitive truth. Nothing is as it seems. As you change, people will think you are crazy. The changes will drive you crazy. When I started my blog, I understood this on an intuitive level. I may have even understood it on a conscious level but hoped I was wrong. I knew the information I would be providing might shift and change over time. And it definitely has. My own personal journey has constantly informed my writings and my work with clients. With all that said, my revelation this morning should come as no surprise. But of course, it does. For the past few months, I have been discovering new parts. This isn’t surprising. I discover new parts, new beliefs, new memories, and new buried emotions all the time. I am an excavator. It is what I do. I embrace curiosity so much that if I was a cat, I would be dead. But when I woke up this morning, I had a word in my head and it was screaming at me. Freedom Fighters It wasn’t the new label for a new part. A while back, I met a part... read more
One of the most difficult (and necessary) parts of the recovery journey is to find our way back to the body. This is an incredibly scary process. We left the body a long time ago because it wasn’t a safe place to live. Maybe we left because we were experiencing physical and sexual abuse we could not escape. Maybe we left because we were experiencing painful emotions and we could not cope any longer with our reality. So we made a choice. We chose to leave the reality in the body and create a new story in our head. And that is where we took up residence. And honestly, we were expecting to be there forever. But we get some bad news in recovery. We have to go back from whence we came. Recovery doesn’t just happen in the head, no matter how much we whine about it (or maybe it’s just me whining). There’s a problem though. We don’t know anything about the body. We may even hate the body. Our trauma has probably created extensive issues with the body. We might experience chronic illness and pain. We may not know how to take care of it. Maybe we are so dissociated, we don’t remember to eat or go to the bathroom. I used to be able to go all day without eating and then wonder why I was “hangry”. I would get to a very uncomfortable level of bladder holding before I had to run for it. I just wasn’t paying attention. And recovery is about paying attention. It is about awareness. Getting in to the body... read more
While most of my blogs stay gender-neutral, this writing might have a strong slant toward a female audience. Sexual abuse affects both genders and needs to be addressed for all children. That said, it does seem to be more prevalent for little girls. And the impact it has on girls as a population is devastating. It shows in the body as chronic illness and pain caused by unexpressed emotions of shame, fear and grief. It shows in relationship through all forms of domestic violence and codependence. It shows through wage gaps and unfulfilled purposes and careers. There is no aspect of life that is not permeated by the effects of sexual abuse. But why? So many of us leave abusive homes and believe we have escaped our trauma. I remember leaving for college, and although I didn’t remember my abuse, I was hopeful that things would be different, that I could finally live a happy, undisturbed life. But as most of you already know, that didn’t happen. It wasn’t going to happen. And it doesn’t happen for any of us after a childhood of sexual abuse. And it doesn’t make sense. We do everything it takes to stop the cycle. We work hard. We do our best to avoid people like our abusers. We try to make people happy. We exhaust ourselves trying to make life better. But nothing changes. We go from one bad relationship to another. We get mistreated by people constantly. It seems like the entire universe is against us. With all our efforts to make our external life the best possible life, we have missed... read more
When we work with inner parts for a while, it becomes obvious that it is about resistance. Our inner parts share their resistance to life. That resistance can show up in many ways. It can be a resistance to work (or doing anything at all). It can be a resistance to relationships with others. It can be a resistance to taking risks or living out our purpose (usually one in the same). The real forward-movement comes when we look at our resistant thoughts, not the positive thoughts. But the mainstream self-help world wants us to believe that our healing and recovery happens when we focus on the positive. It is definitely more convenient. It feels a lot better. If we spend our time inundating our minds with positive thoughts, it is a distraction from the pain we are in. But it doesn’t work … not really. The power lies in our ability to accept our shadow self, the inner parts within who don’t believe we could ever be good enough, do well enough or even belong on this planet. If we don’t allow these parts to express, they will stay just below the surface inundating our everyday lives with resistance to what we want. And there are no mantras for our conscious mind that will overpower the unconscious. It will never happen. We may set an intention to write that book we have always wanted to write, but our unconscious is telling us we aren’t good enough to be an author. We may have a mantra to take more risks, but our unconscious is full of warnings about staying... read more
It will probably come as no surprise that I have struggled in relationship for most of my life. Until I had children, I never felt like a priority to anyone. And I can hear that inner part who tells me that my children have no choice in the matter. So I guess the real statement is I have never felt like a priority to anyone who had a choice. That sounds pitiful. And I am not looking for pity. I am just being honest because let’s face it, somebody has to be honest about this stuff. And I’m going to be very honest. This discussion feels a bit risky, and for me, that is saying something. But risk is becoming a part of my daily life these days, despite how much my controller hates it. My relational life has revolved around this concept of “low priority”. When I have truly fallen for someone, they have always been unavailable. By unavailable, I mean they were either involved in a relationship or healing from a previous relationship. I was an afterthought. I was someone to pass the time with. I was the person who would get them from one real relationship to another. But I was never going to be that real relationship for them. I was never important enough to them. And the most significant problem was I didn’t know this. I would tell myself they would focus on me soon. I would tell myself they were going to leave that other relationship anytime and make me the priority. I would tell myself things would get better. But that was... read more
I received my new passport today. My initial reaction was an overwhelming sense of joy. That isn’t very common for me, but in this case, it makes sense. I LOVE to travel. I almost love it as much as I love talking about trauma recovery and inner parts. So you probably understand that is a ton of love. I have been a traveler since a very young age. I lived in England and the Netherlands and have visited many European countries. I have a long list of places to see. And this list is much more important to me than accumulating stuff. But for the past eleven years, I have been raising my kids with almost no help at all. I have also been starting a business which has been a bit of a financial challenge (to put it mildly). I haven’t been in a position to travel. And honestly, it has been breaking my heart. Last month, when I decided to practice an extreme form of self care and go to a conference in Scotland (and visit England too), you can imagine the upheaval in my inner family system. My controller was there to shout all the reasons this was a fiscally irresponsible decision. She quickly loaded on the guilt trips about leaving my kids for the week and how I should spend the money on them. I should take them on vacation instead. My mean kid was there to tell me how I don’t deserve to have something so nice and how everything would go wrong. On the flip side, my younger inner parts were so excited... read more