Anxiety is not Prophetic

Anxiety is not Prophetic

I’ve had a rough couple of days.  And honestly, this post is written for me mainly.  But I hope you like it too.  I hold many defenses, beliefs and manifestations from my trauma, but the most prominent has always been my anxiety. When I started this journey, my anxiety was the first thing my therapist noticed giving me the diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder.  My anxiety normally looks the same in my body.  My hearts starts racing, it gets difficult to breathe and my manic mind chatter paralyzes me.  It is very difficult to ground my way out of this feeling, but I am getting better at it. Even though my anxiety might look the same each time, it comes from many sources.  There are so many triggers for my anxiety, avoidance would never be an option.  And I guess I know that, which is why I haven’t tried that approach, sort of.  Maybe I never thought I tried that approach.  But I think this week, I have to face the fact that I have tried that approach a bit.  One of my biggest triggers for my anxiety is chaos and uncertainty.  I have done a pretty good job of living a boring life. I know it doesn’t seem that way on the outside.  I am doing a lot of risky things for my business.  Some are working.  Some are not.  But that is life with a business.  My kids go to a great school where they do far more than sit in a classroom and that takes me out in to the world some too.  I travel to...
7 Family Tactics to Invalidate Trauma

7 Family Tactics to Invalidate Trauma

The past few years have been very different from the life I used to live.  This may come as no surprise based on the amount of inner work I have done.  It has a tendency to change the external in subtle (yet substantial) ways until one day we wake up from an afternoon nap and realize everything is different.  And my life has been no exception to that rule.  Unlike the people on dating sites who say they don’t want drama and really do, I am really not interested in drama anymore.  It used to help distract me from my pain and fill the emptiness.  I needed excitement to get through my days and weeks of pain.  So there was always something to keep my mind spinning and my pulse quickened. Nowadays, there is almost nothing like that.  My business has moments because working with clients in recovery is never without excitement as emotions and memories come and go.  But that’s a different type of “drama”.  It’s real and it’s meaningful and it’s actually accomplishing something (even though it doesn’t always feel like it).  My children definitely provide drama in the form of temper tantrums and behavior “stuff”, but I know they are really good kids in the scheme of things.  And when the adults in my life call me up with drama, it just doesn’t affect me like it used to.  I can be supportive, but it doesn’t take over like it did.  I never thought I would say this, but I don’t get worked up easily.  And if you knew me in my twenties, that is something...
The Freedom Fighters

The Freedom Fighters

I have been discovering and learning about my inner landscape for a while now.  And I have learned some key aspects to this process of recovery that must be understood.  If they are not understood, we will not be able to accept this work.  As a matter of a fact, we will be miserable.  What are those facts? Your understanding of your narrative is going to shift constantly. Your understanding of self is going to shift constantly. There is no definitive truth. Nothing is as it seems. As you change, people will think you are crazy. The changes will drive you crazy. When I started my blog, I understood this on an intuitive level.  I may have even understood it on a conscious level but hoped I was wrong.  I knew the information I would be providing might shift and change over time.  And it definitely has.  My own personal journey has constantly informed my writings and my work with clients.  With all that said, my revelation this morning should come as no surprise.  But of course, it does. For the past few months, I have been discovering new parts.  This isn’t surprising.  I discover new parts, new beliefs, new memories, and new buried emotions all the time.  I am an excavator.  It is what I do.  I embrace curiosity so much that if I was a cat, I would be dead.  But when I woke up this morning, I had a word in my head and it was screaming at me. Freedom Fighters It wasn’t the new label for a new part.  A while back, I met a part...
5 Truths about Emotion

5 Truths about Emotion

One of the most difficult (and necessary) parts of the recovery journey is to find our way back to the body.  This is an incredibly scary process.  We left the body a long time ago because it wasn’t a safe place to live.  Maybe we left because we were experiencing physical and sexual abuse we could not escape.  Maybe we left because we were experiencing painful emotions and we could not cope any longer with our reality.  So we made a choice.  We chose to leave the reality in the body and create a new story in our head.  And that is where we took up residence.  And honestly, we were expecting to be there forever. But we get some bad news in recovery.  We have to go back from whence we came.  Recovery doesn’t just happen in the head, no matter how much we whine about it (or maybe it’s just me whining).  There’s a problem though.  We don’t know anything about the body.  We may even hate the body.  Our trauma has probably created extensive issues with the body.  We might experience chronic illness and pain.  We may not know how to take care of it.  Maybe we are so dissociated, we don’t remember to eat or go to the bathroom.  I used to be able to go all day without eating and then wonder why I was “hangry”.  I would get to a very uncomfortable level of bladder holding before I had to run for it.  I just wasn’t paying attention.  And recovery is about paying attention.  It is about awareness. Getting in to the body...
The Girl on the Side

The Girl on the Side

It will probably come as no surprise that I have struggled in relationship for most of my life.  Until I had children, I never felt like a priority to anyone.  And I can hear that inner part who tells me that my children have no choice in the matter.  So I guess the real statement is I have never felt like a priority to anyone who had a choice.  That sounds pitiful.  And I am not looking for pity.  I am just being honest because let’s face it, somebody has to be honest about this stuff.  And I’m going to be very honest.  This discussion feels a bit risky, and for me, that is saying something.  But risk is becoming a part of my daily life these days, despite how much my controller hates it. My relational life has revolved around this concept of “low priority”.  When I have truly fallen for someone, they have always been unavailable.  By unavailable, I mean they were either involved in a relationship or healing from a previous relationship.  I was an afterthought.  I was someone to pass the time with.  I was the person who would get them from one real relationship to another.  But I was never going to be that real relationship for them.  I was never important enough to them.  And the most significant problem was I didn’t know this.  I would tell myself they would focus on me soon.  I would tell myself they were going to leave that other relationship anytime and make me the priority.  I would tell myself things would get better. But that was...
Am I Trapped?

Am I Trapped?

I received my new passport today.  My initial reaction was an overwhelming sense of joy.  That isn’t very common for me, but in this case, it makes sense.  I LOVE to travel.  I almost love it as much as I love talking about trauma recovery and inner parts.  So you probably understand that is a ton of love.  I have been a traveler since a very young age.  I lived in England and the Netherlands and have visited many European countries.  I have a long list of places to see.  And this list is much more important to me than accumulating stuff.  But for the past eleven years, I have been raising my kids with almost no help at all.  I have also been starting a business which has been a bit of a financial challenge (to put it mildly).  I haven’t been in a position to travel.  And honestly, it has been breaking my heart. Last month, when I decided to practice an extreme form of self care and go to a conference in Scotland (and visit England too), you can imagine the upheaval in my inner family system.  My controller was there to shout all the reasons this was a fiscally irresponsible decision.  She quickly loaded on the guilt trips about leaving my kids for the week and how I should spend the money on them.  I should take them on vacation instead.  My mean kid was there to tell me how I don’t deserve to have something so nice and how everything would go wrong.  On the flip side, my younger inner parts were so excited...