An Inner Conversation about Relationship

An Inner Conversation about Relationship

Dear adult person who always does what she’s told, This is your inner rebel speaking.  Let me explain some things.  You are playing with fire.  You are getting too close with people.  You are letting people in.  Don’t you understand what that means?  They will stomp all over you.  When you try to do what you want and express who you are, they will be right there to insult you, ostracize you, treat you like a worthless piece of shit.  Don’t you get it?  It isn’t safe to let people in.  It isn’t safe to commit to people.  It isn’t safe to get excited about being with other people.  You don’t know them.  You don’t know what is in their heads.  You don’t know their motivations.  What’s going to happen when they figure out who you are?  What’s going to happen when you stand up for yourself or speak your mind?  Disaster.  It is best to go it alone.  It is best to avoid commitments to others.  It is best to avoid closeness of any kind.  Avoid the inevitable disaster.  Be safe and walk through life on our own.  I know what you want and you don’t need anyone to squelch it. Sincerely, Your Inner Rebel   Dear irresponsible person who won’t listen to me, This is your controller speaking.  And for once, I agree with the inner rebel (although not for the same reason).  It is best to play it safe.  It is best to keep people at a distance.  Keep life small.  Keep life simple.  If it isn’t complicated, bad things are less likely to happen.  You...
It Doesn’t Get Easier, but We Get Stronger

It Doesn’t Get Easier, but We Get Stronger

I have to admit something I am not proud of.  I find myself having an inner temper tantrum this morning.  It has to do with current events which I try hard to avoid on my blog, not because I don’t have opinions, but because I don’t want to trigger people more than usual.  But this morning I am having a temper tantrum about the attacks on London.  You may be thinking that is not something to be ashamed of and you would be right.  We are all allowed to be angry as hell.  But I am not proud because of the reason for my tantrum.  It isn’t because I hate terrorism (even though I do).  It isn’t because I hate the targeting of girls by evil men who justify hate with their beliefs (even though I do).  It isn’t because I feel for the victims and their families (even though I do).  It isn’t even because I have several clients who are dealing with triggers from these attacks (even though I do).  It is for purely selfish reasons. I am traveling to London soon.  I won’t be there long.  It is a a stop-over on the way to another city.  But I will be there.  It is the first time I am leaving the U.S. in 8 years and the first time I will be in London in 11 years.  I have a special place in my heart for the “Land of the Eng”.  I lived there for a while in my early years.  And I miss it terribly.  I have been excited for this trip for some time...
Translating Self-Help

Translating Self-Help

6 Popular Phrases Translated for Trauma Survivors In this work, I have met people who have tried many healing modalities.  Let’s face it.  We are all looking for a way to feel better.  We are tired of the physical, emotional and mental exhaustion coming from complex trauma.  But there is a problem.  Traditional self-help concepts were not written for us.  In some cases, I am not sure who they were written for.  And while they sound good on the surface, they can make us feel bad about ourselves, causing us to take on masks because the concepts seem out of our reach. For this reason, I tend to stay away from the phrases that are used in main stream self-help.  I don’t use them.  I don’t want to confuse folks, and I certainly don’t want to trigger them.  But I am going to say something a bit shocking right now.  These phrases are right.  Yes.  I said it.  The over-used, over-clichéd phrases are actually on to something.  But they are being used in very simplified ways that will never bring deep healing to anyone, let alone trauma survivors.  So today I am going to continue my tradition of translation by giving you my perspective on how these common self-help phrases are actually true.  And before you yell at me, hear me out.  There will be time to yell at me later. “Positive thoughts will create positive manifestations.  Think positive.”  This statement can trigger the hell out of survivors.  We immediately think, “If I could think positive, I would think positive, damn it!”  What good is it going to do...
Anxiety is not Prophetic

Anxiety is not Prophetic

I’ve had a rough couple of days.  And honestly, this post is written for me mainly.  But I hope you like it too.  I hold many defenses, beliefs and manifestations from my trauma, but the most prominent has always been my anxiety. When I started this journey, my anxiety was the first thing my therapist noticed giving me the diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder.  My anxiety normally looks the same in my body.  My hearts starts racing, it gets difficult to breathe and my manic mind chatter paralyzes me.  It is very difficult to ground my way out of this feeling, but I am getting better at it. Even though my anxiety might look the same each time, it comes from many sources.  There are so many triggers for my anxiety, avoidance would never be an option.  And I guess I know that, which is why I haven’t tried that approach, sort of.  Maybe I never thought I tried that approach.  But I think this week, I have to face the fact that I have tried that approach a bit.  One of my biggest triggers for my anxiety is chaos and uncertainty.  I have done a pretty good job of living a boring life. I know it doesn’t seem that way on the outside.  I am doing a lot of risky things for my business.  Some are working.  Some are not.  But that is life with a business.  My kids go to a great school where they do far more than sit in a classroom and that takes me out in to the world some too.  I travel to...
7 Family Tactics to Invalidate Trauma

7 Family Tactics to Invalidate Trauma

The past few years have been very different from the life I used to live.  This may come as no surprise based on the amount of inner work I have done.  It has a tendency to change the external in subtle (yet substantial) ways until one day we wake up from an afternoon nap and realize everything is different.  And my life has been no exception to that rule.  Unlike the people on dating sites who say they don’t want drama and really do, I am really not interested in drama anymore.  It used to help distract me from my pain and fill the emptiness.  I needed excitement to get through my days and weeks of pain.  So there was always something to keep my mind spinning and my pulse quickened. Nowadays, there is almost nothing like that.  My business has moments because working with clients in recovery is never without excitement as emotions and memories come and go.  But that’s a different type of “drama”.  It’s real and it’s meaningful and it’s actually accomplishing something (even though it doesn’t always feel like it).  My children definitely provide drama in the form of temper tantrums and behavior “stuff”, but I know they are really good kids in the scheme of things.  And when the adults in my life call me up with drama, it just doesn’t affect me like it used to.  I can be supportive, but it doesn’t take over like it did.  I never thought I would say this, but I don’t get worked up easily.  And if you knew me in my twenties, that is something...