My Recovery is Taking Too Long!!

My Recovery is Taking Too Long!!

I have been taking steps to heal myself for most of my adult life.  In my twenties, I learned yoga, meditation and Reiki.  I went on special diets to heal my aching body.  I sought out therapy in different forms with mixed results.  When my children were born, they brought a level of urgency to the process.  I knew I had to take it up a notch because the panic attacks were unbearable.  So 11 years ago, I started the recovery work which led to memory recovery.  It has been 11 years of emotional expression, recovered memories and body aching as I have transformed myself.  I can honestly say that I am not the same person I was.  Of course, my true self is the same.  But now, I can actually see it.

This recovery journey has been amazing.  It has opened my eyes to many things about myself and the world around me.  I am glad I decided to take this path.  I would never want to go back to the life I was leading when I started.  That said, it has also been hard.  It has been miserable at times.  And honestly, if you had told me how long it would take at the beginning, I might not have signed up for it.  What a tragedy that would have been.  But back then, I would not have had the perspective to understand the timing was not the important part.  And there have been many tantrums because of that.  There have been so many tantrums.  And no, I am not talking about the tantrums from my external or internal children.  Those are separate.  I am talking about the tantrums from my controller.

If there is one thing I have learned over these years, it is the resourcefulness of the controller.  The controller will stop at nothing to stop recovery.  They hate it.  And while there are some more obvious defenses, there are other defenses that are incredibly stealth.  Some of the controller’s defenses are so stealth, it is almost impossible to see them as trauma-related.  And one of those defenses comes in tantrum form.

What do I mean?  The controller hates recovery.  They hate it because there is no timeline.  They hate it because it is unpredictable.  And most of all, they hate it because they can’t control it.  Recovery is not controllable.  Honestly, you know you are doing it right when you feel like a sitting duck.  You have no idea what is coming next.  In recovery, the inner parts are in charge of what they share.  Any organization to the process (which is surprisingly organized) is happening by the higher self.  And the controller hates the higher self if they will admit they exist.  They think it is another part who cannot be trusted, making promises to be broken.

So the controller will do everything to convince you to stop, to go back to the way it was, to numb out and just get through life.  And you will often get caught up in the inner language.

“This recovery sucks.  I hate it.”

“I’m not doing this anymore.  It is just another way I am being punished.”

“I have had to go through this once and I won’t do it again.”

“This is taking too long.  I didn’t sign up to do this for the rest of my life.”

“This probably isn’t even working.  I don’t feel better.  I think I feel worse.”

Does this sound familiar?  I’ll bet it does.  This is strategic.  The controller is trying to make you give up.  And it is very convincing.  It might even work for a while, until you realize that being stuck is worse than moving forward with the work of recovery.  But here’s the secret you must know.  This is probably the most important thing you can realize when you are experiencing a controller tantrum so don’t stop reading now (even if your controller says to).

Your biggest tantrums will happen right before your biggest breakthroughs.

It could be right before a memory comes back.  It could be right before a wave of emotion that brings relief behind it.  But the controller is the most angry when they are on the verge of going to the scariest places.  If you can recognize that, you will help yourself so much with this recovery.  If you can hear the tantrum, write from the tantrum and separate just a little from the tantrum, you will move forward in recovery so much quicker.

And in case you missed that irony, the brutal truth, I’ll lay it out for you.

You will move forward in recovery faster when you stop panicking about how long it is taking.

I know your controller hates me now for blowing this all-important secret, but please take this in as much as you can.  This is life-changing and recovery-changing information.  And there is nothing more important than recovery, no matter how long it takes.

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20 Comments

  1. I NEEDED to hear this today… the last part… about it taking time. I was working with my EFT coach yesterday and wow… did I ever have a tantrum.. he was saying to me, “It’s okay if you’re feeling angry with me right now…” etc. I was saying, “I just feel like this healing (physical issue but also emotional) is taking WAY too long. There must be something ELSE wrong with me.. etc.” Also.. a job I applied for recently didn’t come to me, even though I thought it would. I wasn’t sure if I was going to apply for it but went for it then felt good about it and then didn’t get it.
    I found out yesterday after my EFT session… my controller has had lots to say about that too. Anyway.. thank you for writing this… my controller has been up in arms a lot lately, as you know, and so this really put things in perspective for me. Thank you <3

    Reply
    • I am so sorry to hear about the job. And you are right about the controller. They are certainly needing to vent. I am glad you are choosing to let them express. Love to you.

      Reply
  2. I so needed to hear this. I hate therapy. I hate it. I hate the lack of control. I hate the feeling of drifting in a non reality space. I don’t like the images, the voices, the body memories; and just when I think it cannot get any worse, or that I have recovered my balance, or normalcy, something else comes up. Everything is present again. I want to quit, and yet I’m compelled to keep going. Sorry for using the word “hate” so much. Thank you for this post. Sincerely.

    Reply
    • Use hate as much as you need to. This is the hardest thing there is. And you are allowed to hate it. But don’t give up.

      Reply
  3. This blog went straight to the core! Boy, you definitely expressed important aspects here! I am deeply grateful! thank you, thank you! I broke down reading this, as you helped bring my controller to light and I feel great relief and lightness. Many of us are feeling these very same emotions and having you reflect them back to us eases the process! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart!

    Hugs and love to all.

    Reply
    • Thank you Wendy. I am so glad it spoke to you in this way.

      Reply
  4. It is so hard to know if you really are actually making progress. I just spent the day at a day treatment program telling me how much better I am than when I came in 2 weeks ago, and then I think we’ll just yesterday I was suicidal all day, so is that progress? And I can feel better for a few days, or act the part of looking normal easier, and I truly don’t know if I am any better.

    Reply
    • It is so hard to tell what is going on at times. Many times, we feel worse so we can feel better. And when we are progressing, it is so hard to know it. Sending my love to you Kathy.

      Reply
  5. Thanks Elisabeth. Recovery is a hard road and people need ongoing support of friends around them as well as an ability to tune into their higher self. I go through periods of feeling very pessimistic when I come up against the resistance of my internal system of parts that were established so long ago. We have to stay hopeful and keep learning, keep moving through the tough times, while keeping in our mind the understanding that we are valuable in our lives.

    Reply
    • This is so true Peter. Thank you!

      Reply
  6. I have been getting over a touch of bronchitis the last two days and inevitably that anxious part come to the fore and tells me how bad I am and how it looks like I will never get better because I am just not good enough. I am good, after much practice over the years, at being patient, knowing things will get better. When this part comes in and I am physically unwell it feels like a horrible battle internally and it seems like it will never end. Today I feel great! I’m getting physically better, I feel like I am in my body in a healthy grounded way and I can work. Looking back the battle seems irrational but at the time it felt so real and overwhelming.

    Reply
    • That is such a common response to illness for us. It really brings on the futility. It can even make us sicker. Your awareness of it made a huge difference.

      Reply
  7. Your article really resonates with me. I have been in recovery for 30 years. It has been unbelievably hard, and I worry that it will never end. My whole life has been about surviving and now recovering, but neither of these is the same as living. I’m 52, and worry that I will never find peace or happiness. Last week I wanted to end my life, I really had had enough. But I’m glad I didn’t. I have never read an article that was this honest about the struggle of recovery. You have given me hope. Thankyou so much.

    Reply
    • Thank you Steve. I can completely relate to your story. It is so difficult to live with trauma. We just want it to end one way or another. Sending my light and love to you.

      Reply
  8. Thanks Elisabeth, I love reading you. It would be very helpful if you could write a little bit more about “emotional expression, recovered memories and body aching”… how, in what way, are you expressing your emotions, recovering your memories and when does the body ache? I feel this is core for me too.

    Reply
    • Thank you Sylvia. Do you follow me on Facebook too? I have made some videos on some of these topics that might interest you. Here is a video link focused on memory repression in particular. Here is a video with a focus on emotional expression. There may be others that appeal to you too.

      Reply
  9. I believe my controller is pretty devious because when things get tough in the therapy session my controller will have me zone out. For a moment I will not hear my therapist and I struggle to bring myself back into the room to focus on what’s going on! And in these moments I can hear some quite derogatory remarks being said about the therapy.

    Reply
    • That definitely sounds like the controller Olive! Mine has done similar things.

      Reply
  10. This is an amazing article. I am in awe. Wow! I bow to you, your work and your gift in articulation.

    Reply
    • Thank you so much for these beautiful words Shail.

      Reply

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  1. My Recovery is Taking Too Long!! • SJS - […] My Recovery is Taking Too Long!! was originally published @ Beating Trauma and has been syndicated with permission. […]

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