There is Only Rejection

There is Only Rejection

As a survivor of childhood trauma, I have spent my life surrounded by “all or nothing” people.  And unfortunately, it made me an “all of nothing” person.  I have spent years undoing the belief systems that come from a childhood like mine, but sometimes it feels endless (or maybe that’s my “all or nothing thinking again).  I have had to unravel beliefs like: “Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.” “Nobody will ever love me.” “Everybody who is nice to me just wants something.” And believe me, I am far from finished with the rewiring process.  These beliefs still come up, but I am much more aware of them now.  I know where they come from.  I have seen the evidence.  And I know how to question them now.  I know they aren’t as true as I once thought. As I deal with my latest inner part, the rebel runner, I am facing another aspect of the damage done by the people in my life.  And this wasn’t the occasional experience by a random person.  This was a consistent message from countless people which permeated my entire childhood.  And that message was: “If I make one mistake, I will be rejected, ridiculed, bullied and abandoned (in that order).” These mistakes did not follow the traditional definition of mistakes (which would still make these situations problematic).  These mistakes were about failing to be the person they wanted me to be, failing to keep my trauma hidden and failing to be the image of perfection I thought I had to be.  The message I received was that being myself (in...
Life Isn’t About the Fight

Life Isn’t About the Fight

I am a fighter.  I have spent my life fighting.  I have heard the phrase “go with the flow” and I used to hate it.  It reminded me of a jelly fish, sitting in the water doing nothing but stinging people and eating.  It sounded lazy.  I never got the point of the flow.  Why do we exist if we are just flowing?  That said I knew there was a good chance I was wrong.  I had a deep sense I was looking at it wrong.  And over the past ten years, I have been learning what it means to go with the flow.  It doesn’t mean what I thought when I didn’t know how to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t really know how to do it, but I am getting better. There is no better example of going with the flow than how I have built my life coach business (or maybe how the flow built it).  I have pushed hard.  There is no doubt about it.  I have had to push through countless obstacles, but to be fair, most of the obstacles were my own inner parts and their beliefs.  And to overcome those, there is a willfulness required.  But when it came to taking action, it wasn’t about fighting.  It was about going in the direction I was pointed.  And the flow was doing the pointing. You may be wondering what I am talking about.  Honestly, so many of us have not experienced the flow.  Until recent years, I hadn’t.  If I didn’t make it happen, it didn’t happen.  I saw myself...
An Inner Conversation about Relationship

An Inner Conversation about Relationship

Dear adult person who always does what she’s told, This is your inner rebel speaking.  Let me explain some things.  You are playing with fire.  You are getting too close with people.  You are letting people in.  Don’t you understand what that means?  They will stomp all over you.  When you try to do what you want and express who you are, they will be right there to insult you, ostracize you, treat you like a worthless piece of shit.  Don’t you get it?  It isn’t safe to let people in.  It isn’t safe to commit to people.  It isn’t safe to get excited about being with other people.  You don’t know them.  You don’t know what is in their heads.  You don’t know their motivations.  What’s going to happen when they figure out who you are?  What’s going to happen when you stand up for yourself or speak your mind?  Disaster.  It is best to go it alone.  It is best to avoid commitments to others.  It is best to avoid closeness of any kind.  Avoid the inevitable disaster.  Be safe and walk through life on our own.  I know what you want and you don’t need anyone to squelch it. Sincerely, Your Inner Rebel   Dear irresponsible person who won’t listen to me, This is your controller speaking.  And for once, I agree with the inner rebel (although not for the same reason).  It is best to play it safe.  It is best to keep people at a distance.  Keep life small.  Keep life simple.  If it isn’t complicated, bad things are less likely to happen.  You...
It Doesn’t Get Easier, but We Get Stronger

It Doesn’t Get Easier, but We Get Stronger

I have to admit something I am not proud of.  I find myself having an inner temper tantrum this morning.  It has to do with current events which I try hard to avoid on my blog, not because I don’t have opinions, but because I don’t want to trigger people more than usual.  But this morning I am having a temper tantrum about the attacks on London.  You may be thinking that is not something to be ashamed of and you would be right.  We are all allowed to be angry as hell.  But I am not proud because of the reason for my tantrum.  It isn’t because I hate terrorism (even though I do).  It isn’t because I hate the targeting of girls by evil men who justify hate with their beliefs (even though I do).  It isn’t because I feel for the victims and their families (even though I do).  It isn’t even because I have several clients who are dealing with triggers from these attacks (even though I do).  It is for purely selfish reasons. I am traveling to London soon.  I won’t be there long.  It is a a stop-over on the way to another city.  But I will be there.  It is the first time I am leaving the U.S. in 8 years and the first time I will be in London in 11 years.  I have a special place in my heart for the “Land of the Eng”.  I lived there for a while in my early years.  And I miss it terribly.  I have been excited for this trip for some time...