The ‘R’ Word
I went public with my recovery work about three years ago. During those three years, I have learned a thing or two about what makes survivors cringe and what doesn’t. Honestly, as a survivor, I already know what makes me cringe. And there is nothing that will divide a survivor community more quickly than the word – responsibility.
There is so much tied up in that word. We are already trying to fight our way out of a sea of blame, shame and guilt our abusers placed on us. Even if we have largely removed any self-blame from our adult cognition, it is still creating difficulties for us beneath the surface on the unconscious realm. So when we see an image on Facebook that indicates we are responsible for our lives and our happiness, we want to throw the computer, tablet or phone out the window.
I get that. I really do. I have some amazing friends building businesses in the personal growth sector. I love them dearly. But sometimes, I want to scream from the rooftops that trauma recovery doesn’t work like those traditional images say it does. We can’t just wake up one day and make a decision to be happy, rich, successful or even compassionate. We are up against a little more than our conscious thoughts. We have to dig deep. We have to find all those unhealed parts beneath the surface and heal them too. Otherwise, those decisions we would love to make ain’t gonna happen.
The Subtleties
Even with my extensive knowledge about this, I have touched a nerve with that word – responsibility. There is a problem with that word in the survivor community. We will never take responsibility for the abuse we endured. And we never should take responsibility for it. When we were children, we went through hardships at the hands of people who claimed to love us. And NONE of it was our fault.
But there is a subtle difference between blame and responsibility. And to be very honest, subtlety is not easy for trauma survivors. We can be a bit “all or nothing”. Discernment gets stuck with the inner child. So when I say we need to take responsibility for our current lives, I get an earful. I am accused of victim-blaming, oversimplifying and asking the impossible. And I get where it’s coming from. But when it comes to this word, I am going to stand my ground. And here’s why.
One of the biggest moments of relief in my own trauma recovery journey came when I realized I had control over my life. No. I am not talking about control over the small things. I was great at controlling schedules, finances and the general condition of the house. I am talking about the big things. No. I am not talking about tornadoes and earthquakes. We must stop blaming ourselves for that stuff. I am not talking about another person’s violent behavior. Again, that is not our fault.
Taking Responsibility
I am talking about my response to life. I am referring to my actions. I am talking about my choices. If you are not a survivor, you may be thinking, “Well, duh. Of course, you control that stuff.” If you are survivor, you may be thinking, “Are you sure?” When I was growing up I didn’t get to control my responses. I didn’t get to act for my own well-being. I didn’t get to make the choices that worked best for me. And when those patterns were wired in to my brain, it was hard to shift it.
But it is that shift that defines responsibility in my book. If we can allow ourselves to set boundaries, say no to what we don’t want, say yes to what we do want, and take actions that are best for us and those we love, we are taking responsibility. It is these changes in our behavior that bring about changes in our lives. We will never be able to change our abusive past. We will never be able to stop Mother Nature or control another person’s behavior and decisions. That’s not responsibility. That’s controlling. I know. I’ve tried it.
But we can take responsibility. We can take back what is ours to control. And while responsibility comes with some pressure, it also comes with freedom. And freedom brings joy.
So don’t hate me for that word.
I am not blaming you for anything.
But I know what you’re capable of.
And I’ll be right here reminding you of it.
If you are looking to take more responsibility for your recovery, I offer one-on-one survivor guidance sessions to help you build awareness in your life.
Beautifully said, Elizabeth. I think the “R” word can become sensitive in the context of most illnesses. I know many times, I’ve wanted to cry out, “It’s not my fault.” And, I also agree with you as adults now it’s time to take responsibility and this is where we’ll find freedom too.
Thank you Sandra. I know you are right. It is such a touchy word in so many contexts.
This is very insightful because in my case, I wasn’t even aware of things I could control and be responsible for until the past few years. I’ve been going to a support group called Celebrate Recovery and seeing a therapist. The therapist really helped me get over the false guilt about abuse that had happened when I was young. Then I began to learn about concepts like setting boundries with people. Some of the women I know from CR try to control too much, but I wasn’t controlling things that I should. I had to learn where I wasn’t responsible too — such as not being able to control other people’s responses. Also, I know what you mean about feeling a negative response to some of the things people post on Facebook because people try to put short — happy – happy — sayings there. They are trying to be positive, but don’t realize that at times short sayings can be somewhat insensitive. Some of these sayings may be good but some are not good for people who have been through things that were extremely difficult.
Exactly Diane. Thank you so much for your comment. I have heard of Celebrate Recovery and I am so glad it is helping you build your awareness and set your boundaries. It is so important that we learn this after trauma.
Great post. Once we get clear on the difference between blame and responsibility, we can use the “R” word as an empowering tool for our future. Thanks for sharing!
Yes!
Recently I began to be aware that I do now have choices and with my freedom to choose does indeed come r/bility. It is empowering and slowly I am begining to trust in myself that I will make the right choices for me & my children.
Working through the blame that was “given” to me as a child is also enabling me to see things clearly. Keep on writing Elisabeth as you are further along in your healing journey than myself so I look to you as I’m learning.
Peace, light & love, yvette x
This is exactly what I meant. Thank you so much for this comment!
As a childhood trama concourer (not survivor), in the past year I’ve learned two important lessons about your topic – responsibility. To be emotionally successful, first, I am responsible for increasing my emotional intelligence. Second, I have a responsibility to not allow others to take away my power. This is my focus for the New Year. I’m new. Thank you for this blog. Warm regards to all. ?
I love that! Right on point. Welcome!
Thanks for the post, Elisabeth. It’s an important issue for survivors of childhood trauma. When I realized that I was not doomed to repeat with my child the abuse done to me as a child, that I could stop abuse in my generation–that’s what working with a good trauma counselor did for me — I was willing to do whatever it took. I was willing to be responsible for my self care and healing to delve deep and work hard at changing destructive patterns.
Wonderful! I am so glad you were willing to take responsibility for your own healing and self care. It is truly the only way to healing.
I really struggled with this, but 20 odd years ago, i called a helpline, and said ‘I was a victim of child sexual abuse’…i hardly got the words out,and in fact wanted to talk about raising awareness, and a voice, screamed at me, ‘Stop calling yourself a victim!’, you are a survivor!’. She then asked me about my mother, and insisted that she knew all along…She had, but i didn’t know that at the time. I had wanted to see if we could organise a march & rally, ’88. Instead, i was suddenly thrown into agrophobia, to then hear the ‘R’ word at my early groups, creating, i think, more blocks, at first. So the march & rally did happen, 5yrs later, by which time, i had journeyed deeply into the trauma, healing, releasing, and found out that, yes, my mother had known. I have often chirped up in groups sharing positivity, healing, to say, much as you have, that it really is different for us, as you say, we can’t do a sudden switch, i had to revisit the damage, feel it again, to understand the depth of disempowerment, before i could really begin, to take back my power,or rather, claim it, and learn what it could be. Oh and the ‘K’ word, too. Karma, boy did i tie myselfs in knots with that one too. 🙂 I learnt that responsibility is the ‘ability to respond’, too, that changed it for me. I had been reactive, but it was all new ground, i often just went blank, with no idea, what these concepts meant, and felt new shame, lack, uneccessarily…and realising that no matter how unfair it seemed, no matter how guilty my parents were, they nor anyone else was gonna come along and heal me, i had to, and i deserved to. Thankyou for doing this work, and sharing tools, we do need help specific to our needs.
Thank you! You bring up some excellent points. I also talk about responding instead of reacting. It is so important. And yes, karma can twist me in knots too. Thank you so much for your eloquent comment and for the hard work you are doing to help others too.
Thanks for your post. Lately I’ve been drawn to the word “ownership”. Partly because responsibility can have such a sting, but also because in the aftermath of trauma we can disown parts of ourselves that feel too vulnerable. Taking ownership of myself, my life, my decisions, my responses- gives me power back and leaves me feeling more whole. It also reminds me that the the actions and decisions of others are not mine to take on.
I love that! Thank you so much for your comment. That’s a great word for trauma survivors.
I agree with your point of view. We are never to blame for the abuse that was done. But we can choose whether or not our future will be better and make decisions to make that happen. Depending on others to go back in time and give us what we needed is impossible because of the limits of time and space and its hard to find anyone to do that as much as we would want that to be done. We have to learn that we have the power in us to do that in a limited way. Depending on others leads to disappoint, frustration, and trying to force others to do what we need. It doesn’t come out well. We can spend decades trying to find answers, trying to find a saviour, and we loose precious time now finding ways to be happy while immersing ourselves in the darkness. It is a matter of choice and commitment. Getting a therapist to help, having the courage to resolve old feelings, the wisdom to learn new ways of relating, and the courage to believe in happiness again. It is hard work. Simple platitudes will not fix it. But you can choose to find a way to make your life more enjoyable and have purpose. But it will be hard.
Thank you Patricia for your comment. You are right. The most important way we can take back our lives is through our healing.
As a survivor of multiple traumas….this article is beautiful. It took me a very long time to get where I am.If someone would of explained overcoming and surviving these dark life altering events,as you have, I would of LIVED my life 20 plus yrs ago. God has blessed you with a gift…
Thank you so much Kelly! Love to you!
Great to read this, I needed to read this!
Thank you!
This is so incredibly helpful to me at this point in my healing. I see these quotes and quotes about control all over social media and they always strike a nerve with me. I wondered if there is a more trauma-informed way to express this sentiment and your explanation is so helpful. Thank you!
Thank you Angela. I am so glad this helped. It is such a hard topic for those of us with trauma.