Generational Skills
When I was in my 20’s, people were always telling me I should be a lawyer. They told me I argued well. They told me I used logic well. In reality, I never listened to the other side. I was too busy formulating my response. And when things got heated or it appeared I might lose, I had no problem using manipulation and gaslighting to confuse everyone involved. If I wasn’t going to win the debate, nobody else was going to win. I was a master of all interpersonal tactics that we consider “not cool” by society’s standards. But I was so good at hiding them that very few caught on. If they did catch on, they were left by the wayside wondering what hit them.
I am not saying these things to be cruel to myself. I am saying these things to be honest about myself. I came by these abilities honestly. My mother was a master manipulator. My father was always in control. And in my childhood home, if you lost an argument, there was usually much more at stake than a ding to your pride. All abusive tactics were on the table in an argument, at least for the adults. So I learned to use any tactic available to appear infallible. Manipulation, passive aggression, gaslighting, explosive rage (if safe) and even running away until everyone else had left the house. There was very little peace. I was always walking on egg shells. So yes, it was inevitable that I would become good at the tactics.
I was even rewarded for my honed “skills”. Once my parents were divorced, and I was in my teenage years, the tables started to turn a bit. My mother still had mad skills in manipulation, but she had taught me well. And I could get her twisted up pretty quickly. Since she lied so much, I could sometimes get her to make two completely opposite statements in the same argument. In my house, it was my main form of entertainment. And it translated well to my early work years. In the corporate world, everyone loves a good power-hungry, controlling, overly-logical project manager. I was incredibly good at what I did and I was rewarded for it financially.
The Price I Paid
But there is an unfortunate side effect to those rewards. I started to believe it was the right way to act. I was so convinced that I developed a false self around it. I could be hard core. I could maintain that persona if it kept me safe and ahead of the game. Honestly, it was the safest I had ever felt. I had some power by being someone I wasn’t. I had learned that my true self wasn’t safe, at least not as a child. And I had never had the opportunity to try out my true self as an adult. It was lost, or so I thought.
But deep down inside, the anxiety was building. All that false self behavior went against who I was. My true self was willful. My true self was willing to push through obstacles to get things done. My true self was detail-oriented. But the circumstances were all wrong. There was no empathy for others. There was too much focus on compensation and status. There was no integrity. I wasn’t breaking laws. But there was no integrity to myself. There was a war on the inside. And it was getting out of hand.
When I began the journey of recovery, I unconsciously knew that I would no longer be playing that role and I was relieved. I had held together this fake persona for so long. I was lying to everyone, including myself. And honestly, I was exhausted. I knew this false self was a not a good mother persona. I absolutely knew I could not raise my kids like that.
False Self Removal is No Easy Task
So I have worked to break down this persona and the road hasn’t been easy. As I have observed my false self and how she treats the real inner parts who just wanted to be heard, I have realized this road was not meant to be easy. There was never a chance for them. As they have spoken up, I have seen my false self shut them down with logical arguments and no empathy for their pain. While I know she was created to keep everyone safe and secure, she stopped the healing for many years.
Now I see her blatant attempts to influence my impression of the world. It is as if she is a separate person. Yesterday, when I was at the grocery store, I could hear her judging the people around me until one man asked if he could return my cart for me. He said he wanted to save me a few steps. It jolted her to the core. She was stunned and I could see her take a step back in to the shadows again. I just smiled and acknowledged that sign from the universe.
I think she knows her days are numbered now that my 20-something inner part has released her. And if she was real, I would be concerned about her well-being. But she is not a part to be healed. She is an entity to be released. And while I will be kind, I know that her approach is no longer valid in my life. So I keep taking my steps toward wholeness. And I revel in my newfound authenticity and conscious awareness of my old defenses. Change is here. And I am grateful for it.
Lovingly expressed, let her go. I am hoping that I am not far behind with mine.
Thank you. I am sure you are not far behind at all.
I can relate to many of your posts. It’s pretty amazing. But this one I do not fully follow. If we are a whole person we are both good and bad. We are both darkness and light. Just because a part of you that you now do not apreciate was more developed than other parts of you (empathy) does not mean it is not part of you. Just like you can train your left arm and make the muscles big and out of proportion from the rest of your body – it is still part of the whole. I would say acceptance is essential, accepting all of your own darkness in order to become a whole person again.
I used to be in that exact place. I thought all aspects of self were meant to be unconditionally loved and accepted and there were no exceptions. But as I wrote last week, I have been a bit shocked by this one. This new realization has left me a bit stunned because I didn’t think it worked like this. But this does not appear to be a part. It appears to have been created by an inner part as a mask. I am being advised by my higher self that this is an entity that was created for safety purposes and it must be let go, which of course is a major leap of faith, especially for my 20-something part. But she is doing her best. I know this goes against everything I have said until last week. I do get that. But I am learning.
Your self-awareness from which springs your honesty is breathtaking.
My Dad was a total dictator, my Mom often squashed like a bug with my Dad rallying the forces of 5 children against her.
It was a matter of survival to be on his side. Yet I felt badly for my Mom who didn’t have his college-honed knowledge and years of navigating powerful organizations as an insider: power he used like a baseball bat to crush all opposition.
I was very logical and had hoped to be a lawyer. That is until I walked into the LSAT and saw 600 hungry applicants. I had worked for the District Attorney’s office (a political plum job) one summer but got asked back based on my own skills for two more summers. I thought I could change the world for abused and neglected children. By the third summer, I saw it had to be done from the outside: Too many deals, too much shady stuff went on in the hallways before court was called to order convinced me differently.
Plus my own mental illness took over making it impossible to move forward. I just couldn’t fake being normal anymore: the jig was up. I just kept moving forward as if in a trance, abandoning all my dreams. Thank goodness, we can always begin new chapters.
Thank you my friend. You are right. Thank goodness we can always begin new chapters.
THANKYOU! You are an inspiration.
Thank you!
Yes, from the research I have done to solve the mysteries of life.What you did is formed an alternate personality,and it kept you safe ,because there was no safety in life.Unfortunately that personality cannot love or empathize and is emotionally dead.It can argue well and is very shrewd,but cannot connect on an emotional level.It is almost impossible to have a real relationship with an alternative personality. I am very interested in this subject and enjoyed your article.
Thank you Ruth. That is an accurate assessment. It was confusing at first because I had always believed I was supposed to integrate all aspects of self. So finding something I would not integrate was surprising. It has also surprised some of my readers. I have referred to it as a false self or mask, but alternate personality makes sense too. This certainly is an interesting process.
Per usual, I can identify with this. The fake self for the outside world, the work world. It was easy to climb the corporate ladder, even without the benefit of a college degree. (I just realized I adapt easily to new situations, but not to change.) As children of abuse, we quickly identify what is needed of us in any situation, to survive, including work, relationships, etc. And we are used to providing the person needed in that situation, whether we want to or not. We just feel it’s necessary, we learned it WAS necessary and that’s how we got through life, long after the abuse stopped.
But as you say, it’s exhausting. There comes a time when we just can’t do it any more, and therein lies our breakdown. Broken down to emotionally child-like again, utterly vulnerable, again, but this time there were resources and support to help us relearn, regrow, mature.
I’m nowhere near as “successful” as I was prior to my breakdown, but I no longer measure success on career, money, etc. My success now is reparenting myself into the adult I was meant to be.
Thank you again for sharing. Your words always strike a chord in me.
Yes! Thank you for this comment. This is exactly what it has felt like for me.