I Reject The Scarcity Lie

I Reject The Scarcity Lie

I Am Enough.  There Is Enough. Survivors of abuse often live a life plagued with scarcity. We were taught at a young age that we weren’t enough, there wasn’t enough and life would not provide enough for us in the future. When we suffer financial abuse or trafficking, things are often worse. We can believe we have a finite worth, we are a commodity, and we have already expended that worth. All these beliefs leave very little hope for an abundant future. My relationship with money has been a struggle for my entire life. And while I always made enough to survive when I worked in the corporate world, I have come face-to-face with my monetary dysfunction as I have started working for myself. And I think that is the point. If it was easy to chart new territory, everyone would do it, but the lack of stability, the self-doubt and the intense commitment required make it scary on the good days. I have spent some time identifying the beliefs that hold me back lately. There are many. And I get the impression I am not the only one who struggles with these. 1) If I charge for my services, it won’t be worth it. I have always struggled with impostor’s syndrome. In a family trying to appear like something they are not, it goes without saying. I know I am helping people. I know I am making a difference. I hear from my clients that I am providing them safety and a new perspective. But I still hear that voice. The voice deep inside of me that says,...
Saying Yes to Life

Saying Yes to Life

While trauma recovery seems like a chaotic experience, I have noticed in hindsight the surprising structure it seems to follow. My memory recovery follows themes. While I do address themes multiple times, it is at progressively deeper levels, as if I am traveling a spiral. I have also noticed how my external and internal world mirror each other, and it gets much more intense as I come closer to a new realization or belief change. I have also noticed that the inner parts get older and more defended as I work through recovery. It isn’t that my memories follow a linear age, but the beliefs become more sophisticated and complicated over time. There seems to be an understanding that I need practice. And I continually progress toward more challenging recovery experiences. Now, I am not suggesting it works this way for everyone. I am suggesting that my higher self is particularly organized, which may explain why O.C.D. is my defense mechanism of choice. But recently, I have noticed another pattern. And it does seem to be a bit more universal, as other survivors are telling me the same. When I started recovery, I was focused on setting boundaries. And I practiced and practiced. I wasn’t intentionally clearing people out of my life, but when I said no, the people who had been in my life didn’t like it at all. So they left. I also realized that certain situations and life circumstances were not working either. I started to leave some things behind. I came to a place where I could say no well. But as I have been...
10 Life Lessons from the World of Harry Potter

10 Life Lessons from the World of Harry Potter

In my family, we like a lot of things. My children have a ton of passion and energy, so there is always room to explore something new. We like board games. We like Pokemon. We like Disney. We like karate, gymnastics and swimming. But nothing, I repeat nothing, beats Harry Potter in our house. The twins are convinced that their Hogwarts letters will be coming on their 11th birthday (and I am afraid that day may be fairly disappointing in the scheme of things). I wasn’t a huge fan until a year ago when I started reading the books to my children. I had seen all the movies during the initial craze, but I wasn’t an avid reader at that point. I thought the movies were pretty good, but I had seen better, so I never got caught up in it. Then I opened the first book and read the first chapter to my kids, and the rest, as they say, is history. We read the first two books together in a very short time. Immediately after, I started reading the third book. After I read it, I decided it was appropriate for my eight-year-olds, so I read it to them. I read a book twice, back-to-back, and was not bored of it for a second. And of course, I continued reading the other books and did not stop until I had read every word. I was hooked. Since that time, my kids and I will watch the first three movies and discuss Harry Potter whenever the opportunity arises. I try not to blow the plot for them, but...
It Doesn’t Make a Difference

It Doesn’t Make a Difference

Existential Questions Have you ever noticed that the most difficult emotion to express is the emotion that is most opposite to your strength? I have a willful personality. Giving up is not a part of who I am. If it was, I probably would not be here today. So when the feeling of futility hits me, it knocks me down, leaving me paralyzed, unable to reconcile between that old victim self and my pure version of self. That victim self loves to steer my mind in an existential direction. Why am I here? This isn’t different than most people. I think we all wonder why we are here. The existential debate will live on as long as there are people roaming the Earth. That being said, I think the confusion runs a little deeper when we have a childhood of trauma. It can lead to some pretty extreme interpretations. My father, who undoubtedly had a lifetime of trauma, was a staunch atheist. There is nothing wrong with that. But I remember thinking, “He better hope there isn’t a God. Otherwise, he’s in trouble.” While my questions can run deep, I also wonder about everyday life. Why do I continue to run on this hamster wheel of life? Why do I repeat the same thing every day in my own personal version of the Groundhog Day movie? Why am I making so many attempts to live a better life? Is it working? But more importantly, why bother? Am I really making any difference at all? What is the point in going bowling? What is the point in cleaning the bathroom?...