My family members were masters at squashing rebellion. It is what any good (or bad) dictator learns how to do before all else. It only takes one person to rise up against you, one bad link in the chain, and the empire can fall. Personally, I could not imagine depending on the fear in others to maintain the life I want. It sounds like a lot of work to keep that house of cards intact. But many are willing to try it because they think it is the only way to have power and control. And honestly, what can be easier than teaching children to fear you … especially if they are your children? I believe this actually works most of the time. I believe there are thousands (or more) of children who never speak of their devastating childhoods, who spend their entire lives deeply hating their parents while going through the motions of one big happy family, even arranging the perfect funeral for their parents in the end.
My parents were expecting everything to happen just like that. After all, it is what they had done for their parents. And who are we kidding? Their parents did it too. Unfortunately for them, they had me. I have a rebellious side. I have always had a problem with people telling me what to do. I told far more people about their abuse than they expected. They had to do far more cover up than they had planned. And then, at 38 years old, I blew the lid off the whole thing, denying them their self-ascribed right to abuse their grandchildren and keep the cycle going. I know they feel like the victims. I know because they told me. They told me I was breaking their hearts and that they didn’t deserve this treatment. They never expected this to happen. But unfortunately for them, they had me.
I am proud of my rebellious side (if that’s not obvious already). Even during the years when the trauma was repressed, it was hard to keep me quiet about other things. But there is a problem with this side of me when it is mixed with trauma and rage. It can get a bit unhealthy. I think, on an unconscious level, I have been plotting against my family for my entire existence. Some of my favorite stories are The Count of Monte Cristo and The Shawshank Redemption. Both stories feature protagonists who escape prison and get clever revenge on their captors.
You may be wondering what is wrong with a little revenge against so much evil. I am still working through some of those feelings myself. But there’s a bigger problem. What happens to rebellion when it is not permitted against those who perpetrate evil against me? If I have a natural tendency to stand up for myself, and I am physically incapable of doing so, what happens to all of that energy? Where does it turn? I fear the answer is inward.
I have been in touch with my inner rebel lately. She’s not very happy with the way life turned out and she has used her courageous energy to sabotage some of my best intentions. She has decided that if she can’t have life her way, she’s not going to cooperate with life any way. And while this was noble in childhood, it is holding back the good, positive work that can be done now to leave the past behind.
But I have learned how to communicate with my inner parts. And believe me, they don’t respond to any form of control or bossy instruction. They have to figure it out for themselves with a little guidance and a few pointers from me. The integration of these parts is critical to my healing, but that integration happens on their terms when they are ready to heal.
So I try to keep life interesting. I try to speak up, make changes and do what it takes to keep an inner rebel satisfied with a life that is no longer disrupted and sabotaged. I try to appeal to her qualities of bravery by explaining how I need her as a part of the whole, how I can’t complete this new journey without her on board. And I can see my own courage to speak up getting stronger and stronger. I know there will come a day when I won’t think about what the other person wants me to say. There will come a day where I won’t censor myself out of fear of retaliation. I know that will happen because I know my inner rebel. And she will not be stopped.
I am also the “rebel” in my family. My biological siblings are still lemmings, lined up loyally behind my bio parents – completely enmeshed in the toxic dynamic that destroys them every day. But I got out. It was a slow and painful process that took years of “unboxing” to complete. But in the end, I forged ahead and used my “black sheep” status to estrange myself from them. And now I feel so liberated. Which is definitely part of what finally allowed my parts to reveal themselves to me. There was a time when I NEVER thought I would tell my story. I never thought anyone could possibly believe me. Now I’ll walk out of the room if I think a therapist or doctor doesn’t believe me. I’ve spent enough time being the faithful servant, making everyone else comfortable. Now it’s my time to stand up and speak.
Great post!
I love this! I love your strength!
Elizabeth, I think many out there (including myself) are afraid of ruining a good thing, and that is family life. I’ve never been threatened by my abuser, but I fear ruining family member’s lives. I fear the reaction from my friends. I fear everything except my abuser. That is so difficult for me to live with. You saved your children’s lives, I am so grateful you told. Your story is 1000 times worst then mine. Again, I’m glad you told. Yet, it shouldn’t matter the degree of the crime, it’s still a crime and should be brought to the police. But I fear the police. I fear myself! Hope this makes sense even if it’s the wrong way to handle it. Thanks Elizabeth for all your writing. It is really helping me as I go forward.
I completely understand what you are saying. We are taught to fear in these families, by our abusers. The fear can be overwhelming, paralyzing. Just we I conquer one fear, there is another one right behind it. You have to honor the place where you are. You have to follow your path and nobody else’s. That is why I always write in first person. My story may or may not work for others. Thank you for your comment and your honesty.
I desperately needed to read that today! I feel like you just expressed a problem I have and I realise that I’m working to solve it. Long live our inner rebels and I hope we can work with them to win! x
I always feel less alone when these posts resonate with other survivors. I am glad it helped.
Free Spirit <3 #WUVIP
Absolutely! 🙂
Reblogged this on Quotes for Spiritually minded people and commented:
When our hearts speak..
Thank you so much for the reblog!
My pleasure!
Sharing Elisabeth, thank you <3
Thank you so much!!
rebellion felt like I could finally use my voice to say what I needed to share. To get what I deserved in some way, too.
Thanks for the space to reflect on here.
You all rock, too.
Thank you D.
I can identify with so much of this. I find concepts of ‘inner child’ ‘little me’ difficult to identify with, but when I read your posts I understand it so much better and it removes some of my (rational self) barriers to getting in touch with it/her/me. I too was the ‘rebel’ in the family. It’s very interesting. I too understand the power of sabotage. Thank you so much Elisabeth.
Thank you so much. I am glad my writing brings some clarity. It took me a long time to recognize this interaction between parts of me. I made a huge difference when I did.
Elisabeth: in my family, I was the rebel (mostly on a positive level). Not only was I molested, I grew up to a narcissistic family. My mother was the narcissist, my late father was the enabler, my sister (who’s younger than me) is the golden child & I’m the scapegoat. As I’m the oldest child in my family, and because my uncle at the time lived with us during the time of my molestation (he was 2 years older than me), I had to rebel to either be noticed and as I grew older, I rebelled to gain independence so I can be free to live. My mother wanted me to stay home so I could be controlled, but I rebelled to show her I could make it on my own. Which to this day, I’ve succeeded.
You have definitely succeeded Tremayne. Your inner rebel and the rest of you are doing amazing work.
Ditto (mostly)!!! Tremayne, hurray, 3 cheers & atta-Girl to you!!!! <3 El
At 61 just read about rebellion and how I have been doing Rebel Yell because childgood needs were not met. Mind blowing. Realizing that I have been so deeply hurt that it shattered my personality.
No sexual abuse just constant verbal, emotional, and scapegoating. I looked different from my mother’s family so I was the villain in a family of 100 people. I am estranged from them. It’s been 40 years since I saw many of them. Most are dead.
Working with a therapist and I usually get bad headaches when buried memories of abuse come up. Usually, I am scared and being traumatized by an adult who took their warped anger out on me. As a result I am a fighter. So therapy is helping me to unlearn survival techniques that are no longer useful as an adult.
Learning compassion for myself and that none of my childhood needs were met. My mom wanted to abort me but my dad said no.
Having her be indifferent to me and abuse me just because she didn’t want me. Having her tell me there was something wrong with me as far back as I can remember.
A great article for those of us with anger and rebellion lodged in our subconscious minds.
A work in progress I am.
I cannot believe that your parents would play the victim. So sad and sick!
God used you to break the cycle! That is amazing.
I’m so grateful for your younger rebellious self and for you breaking the cycle of secrecy and abuse.
My teen self is my inner rebellious part. She was the part that scared me with her rage, self-destructive behavior, & lack of concern for others. During my inner child work with myself, my teen self did not want to connect with the rest of me. After a long time of interacting with her in my mind by sitting with her as she self harmed, lashed out at me & others, and wanted to die, she started to heal and eventually became my strongest ally. She opened her heart and grieved & finally connected with the love in her own heart that she thought could never have been there.
It was my adult self’s role to accept whatever she needed to express and love her anyway – no conditions & no exceptions. It took a long time to build trust between us, but we have that now & I’m so very grateful. I know as I move forward in the next phase of my recovery & become a trauma certified therapist, my teen self will stand by my side and help other survivors teen parts to heal.
Thank you for your post and reminding us all how important it is to stand in our truth and authentically move forward with our healing.
Thank you Donna. I feel like I have been going through some of that work in the past year. It is the hardest work I have done, but also the most powerful. There is nothing better than having the support of that teenage self, that unstoppable self.
Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
giving voice to the inner rebel…..
So important as Donna says to ‘stand in our truth’ which is why so many of us adult adoptees have found our voices and speak out about all sides of adoption, tell our stories and will not be stopped.
Thank you for doing that.
I have tried connecting with my inner child. But I find it very difficult. I was a good parent and allowed my kids emotional freedom. But Its hard to do that for my self.
I understand.
Making that connection with our inner child is so difficult. I find the needs change often so that makes it more challenging.
This is so me . I can’t stop crying . Wish I had a shoulder to just cry on and let it all out .
I wish you did too. You can be that for your inner child. Let her grieve, be there for her and tell her it’s okay.
Dear Elisabeth, this post is brilliant, relevant and full of life. As I am sure you know SAMHSA has several interventions that are evidence-based and highly effective in addressing and healing victims of trauma. And, when you talk about the Internal Saboteur, I myself wrote a meditation that spotlights its tactics and purpose. PM me I’d you would like these files. Hugs in Arms, El Johnson
Thank you Elizabeth. I would love to take a look (and listen) to what you have. I am always interested in what is available for us. You can email me anytime at beatingtrauma@gmail.com
Oh, how much I adore your little rebel. ♡
Mine,too, is a dear part of me. In the past, she’s come out in different ways.
Sometimes she comes out in a funny, joking way, needing to prove that she can do things completely differently and still be right. This happened a lot while I was in university where I would challenge professors’ conventional thinking and gave birth to some great work. Although the time investment was sizeable, she needed to prove herself while joking to her friends, “Fuck that, I’m doing my own thing.” She’s done this at my work too and been so helpful at nourishing original thought and winning praise for that.
She can also come out sulky if reprimanded. Instead of taking criticism and growing, she needs to vent and put down and just say, “Fuck you.” Never in a violent way but if she doesn’t get to talk about it, she will explode internally.
But today, I had a great talk with her and have seen how we can work together, still letting her have her voice while caring for my adult self too. I had a challenging meeting with someone whom I had argued with at our last meeting. The argument was necessary, I stood up for my values, and mature. But I was anticipating friction today and more push to not take my own path, which I was sure of.
She knew this was coming and was full of great ideas. How we could trick the other person or play coy and then turn it around all of a sudden. She is pretty funny and clever,and some of them would have definitely worked.
I told her that I loved her humour and cleverness, but that for this meeting we should be a bit more grownup. I could sense that at the heart of it, she needed to say no and was scared.
So I reassured her she was safe and that she could still say no, and there was still room for jokes and cleverness. That we could do this, together! And we did. 🙂 She questioned after if she had her voice and I showed her where she did. She felt content after that.
Honestly, it was beautiful. I can see so clearly now how these wonderful inner children need to express and can so easily take over and drive the bus…and sometimes not so safely because they don’t know how! But there’s a way to let them express while helping them understand the bigger picture and healing. So absolutely gorgeous.
Xo
Reading this gave me chills. So powerful! You totally get it! Your inner rebel is so lucky to have you.
Tapestry that is great work!
This post really connected me with my teenage rebel self who is very clever, and very cheeky too. She knows what she wants and how she wants it. I have started learning how to work with her instead of against her and I love that I am coming back to life after years of suppression.
I was labeled the ‘Black Sheep’ also. One day my mom called me the ‘Black Sheep’ and my inner rebel stood up to her and said, “I am not the ‘Black Sheep’, I am the ‘White Sheep’”. They were the ‘Black Sheep’! They were the crazy abusers who banded together to scapegoat me. They were the bad people. They were the evil ones! I was the person who was standing up for myself and pointing to the pink elephant in the room. *This is how crazy my mom was… she wanted my brother to marry my stepsister! Gross!
That is a great response you had to her. Those of us who know the truth are often painted as the “odd” ones. It is another attempt at oppression. I am glad you saw through it.
i too was the rebel always the one they had to keep in line so they threatened the only peace i had (my grandparents on mothers side ) to keep me silent i fought back anyway i could and as a teenager married my husband and got the hell out. my sister to my face told me i abandoned them and she got abused after i left (i think she had always gotten it but it again made me the bad person) all of them tell people im crazy because i speak out against my parents they insist it never happened ok then if they can live with that one of my brothers abused his own daughter so bad she has medical issues that will last her lifetime i broke contact with them all in the last year guess ive had enough of them all. after my father died my niece asked me how i felt it was freeing knowing he was gone my mother chose to believe anything he told her so i had no relation ship with her either its good to be a rebel rather than a sheep
I am glad you got out of there and are standing up for yourself.