To My Survivor Friends,
We talk often about how our recovery partners, friends and family may not always say the right thing. We know they mean well, but it is difficult for them to understand our painful situation. They may trigger us with what appears to be invalidating or dismissive comments.
“If you just forgive, everything will be better.”
“Maybe you should just forget about the past and move on. It happened a long time ago.”
“Everyone is dealing with pain in their life.”
Even with these setbacks, you keep moving forward in recovery. And I am so proud of you for the work that you do. I personally know how hard it is to do this work every day. The emotional processing is devastating. The physical processing can be debilitating. We are left moving through the world with about half the energy and physical ability of a non-traumatized person, and that is on a good day. I get it. It sucks.
And it is easy to ignore it. We have been taught from a young age that we need to wear our masks. Our masks will protect us from others who won’t understand our reality, or worse, will blame us for it. Our masks will keep us safe from judgment and safe from our abusers who don’t want us to tell the secret. And dissociation helps with that. We can take all that abuse and shove it in a nice little corner of our minds. We can continue to live our lives with the emotional and physical ramifications of our unprocessed abuse, which seem so much easier than facing the other type of pain.
And yet, the mask doesn’t just hurt us. It hurts everyone else. Sure, it hurts the people in your life on a daily basis because you are still acting out your unconscious pain. But more importantly, it hurts other survivors.
If you are a survivor who loves to tell other survivors how you have “left your past behind”, “forgiven and forgotten” or “moved on”, please don’t. And for goodness sake, don’t tell other survivors “the past is in the past”. Don’t get me wrong, I know that living in the past gets us nowhere. But ignoring our past can be worse.
People don’t just flip a switch. It doesn’t work that way. There are too many belief systems that need to shift. There are too many emotions that need processing.
That being said, I know it has happened. Eckhart Tolle had a moment of enlightenment and then spent two years homeless on a park bench integrating it. He did. And I am grateful for his insights.
For the rest of us, there is a journey, a lifelong journey. It is a cyclical experience that can bring us back to our pain over and over again throughout our lives, each time making us a bit stronger than we were. And when you tell other survivors that you have “put the past behind you and moved on”, you are indicating that their pain is not necessary. You are invalidating their need to explore their past and come to an understanding. You are giving them the impression that they are not as good as you are because they can’t find that simple switch to flip. Worst of all, you are encouraging them to put their mask back on and pretend they are not in pain. And nobody ever heals that way. That only delays the healing.
So, if you don’t want to lay your cards down in the game of vulnerability, please keep your comments to yourself. You are not benefitting the recovery movement. You are not taking our society to the next level. You are not breaking the cycle. You are still a part of the problem.
I get that this is harsh. I know that I am triggered by survivors who wear the “completely recovered and enlightened” mask. But survivors can very easily trigger each other because there is a camaraderie between us. We have been to war. In some cases, it feels like we fought together. We have a closeness that is a special bond. And when one invalidates the others, it stings. It stings more than normal. And that’s why I felt the need to write this article. And I hope you will keep it in mind as you interact with your family of survivors.
And if someone vulnerably describes their pain to you, here are some examples of how you can respond:
“I remember feeling just like that … yesterday.”
“I know those emotions. I know them well. When they come around for me, I feel them in the pit of my stomach.”
“I can sense your strength when you tell me about your pain. You are an inspiration.”
“Thank you for trusting me to hold this space for you. I feel honored.”
Because if we can learn to validate each other, we can heal each other.
Love From Your Survivor Sister in Recovery
Reblogged this on Onlybythegraceofgod's Blog.
Thank you!
There are so many of us that try to help other and it hurts me so bad when I read about those that didn’t make it. I just want to take over a broadcast and talk to those that are still lost and trying to hold on….
Agreed!
Dear Warrior Sister,
Thank you for writing this blog! Your message touched us deeply. As one with multiplicity, so many people, yes even survivors have told us where we need to be in recovery and it rocked us to my core. I think why can’t we have that kind of healing, but you know what? We may not be where we want to be in this life in recovery, but we are ok where we are at I tell them! There is no compass, no handy manual one can whip out and say oh yes, you suffered ritual abuse at the hands of your father, uncle cousin and other men and women as well as being trafficked out to all men…you must do 20 sit-ups, read 5 books and POOF! Recovery is a lifetime and survivors are a lifeline, so it does sting more! ITS LUDICROUS what we have all been through at one point as warriors with those that simply don’t understand and survivors who do understand! They desire you to be automatically healed at all costs which can be a serious set back..They rob of us our processes in healing trying to either mold us to theirs or dismiss your pain with how healed they have become.
Thank you for bringing this issue to light. We don the masks so that others are comfortable, but what would it be like if we could take them down and safely walk this journey of healing without moving backward? I love your examples of dealing with someone’s pain! It’s as simple as saying, “Can I sit with you and hold your hand as you share?” I can’t count how many times on hands and feet how people have told us, “I just want you to have the healing I did.” What a failure I feel when we don’t! This walk is wrought with pitfalls, heartache and pain beyond belief! Thank you for walking with us in spirit, because we feel less alone in this battle.
Here’s to journeying with you, your an inspiration! 🙂
~K
Thank you so much! I am happy to know you and journey with you. I am sure your recovery is phenomenal. I am always inspired by those with DID because you are overcoming so much. And thank you for that last quote. I will add that to my list of what should never be said. Ugh.
It is an honor to be your friend. Thank you, Elisabeth, for the beautiful article.
Thank you so much Fay.
This helps me so much. Thank you for writing it. I’m glad I found your blog.
Thank you for finding my blog! I am so glad this helped you.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately- thank you for writing this. Specifically, I was thinking about how I’m doing well lately and how long it’s taken me to get to a functional state… and I realized that, if I start counting from when I first realized I was being abused, it’s been ten years. And if I start counting from when I went no contact with my abusers, it’s been 5 years. And I’ve only really started feeling consistently okay in the last 6 months. 5-10 years is a LONG time- and my recovery process was relatively “easy.” And I still deal with triggers and nightmares. You really can’t rush recovery- that’s counter to everything recovery is!
This post reminded me of a poem Stacey Ann Chin wrote about this topic- maybe you’ll like it: https://www.facebook.com/notes/staceyann-chin/f
Thank you. That exactly it. I have been on this journey for more than 7 years with 5 years of memory recovery and I am currently retrieving brand new memories. I have many more coping mechanisms but it is still a difficult process. I cannot get to the link, so it may be a security issue. Feel free to post the poem here with credit given to her.
Oh, I didn’t notice it was broken. Here’s the poem, by Stacey Ann Chin:
Feelings are not Fatal
I’m so fucking tired
of people telling me to buck-up
to move on/to stop wallowing in feelings
about that which has happened already
fuck you
for thinking you can decide/what emotions
I should have
for how long/in response
to what scenarios
I have lived through/without your input
after so many decades of sorrows
I am mostly aware of when/to cave
when to fight/when the fuck
to follow through
or admit failure
without denying
there may lie some insight
lodged in the corners
of the sometimes dim light
you attempt to blaze through my sorrows
the reality is
I wish to feel what I feel when I feel it
committed as I am
to sitting inside
the awkward silence of remembering
I want to glean all the benefits
that can be derived
from the dimwitted actuality
of my own human stumbling
I want fuck and regret
to collide with an embarrassment
and be unable to forget
to remember each detail
and ache
to rake the coals of my own/if onlys
and what ifs
I want to ruminate for hours
remain pensive/for days
consider the carnal/for as long as it takes
to come to terms with what the fuck
I happen to be feeling/right now
and I still reserve the right
to change my outlook
to look at things differently
be in complete turnabout/about it
tomorrow
I want to arrive
at my own conclusion
without your hands
reaching in
well intentioned
to try to pull me from my process
mourning is human
it is time-consuming
and I have no desire
to spring up from it
puppet
responding to your timeline
my meter is internal
calibrated to cure the cancers
inside my own heart
I want to take as long as I need
to brood
to eat foods/in excess
to regress
to spend more than I should
waxing poetic in pathetic rhyme schemes
to dream
of alternatives/to my experiences
to experience in full
the tragedy of my hurt
the intensity of my anger
the complex coloring
of my incongruent ruminations
even while I am reeling from it
I know I will eventually land
broken/pieces/held together
elastic bands holding my hair
my hands
my hopes returning
lessons learned/cliche
for now
I want the freedom
to lay upon floors
breathing in
exhaling
free/falling
feeling my way
to the other side
Love it!!
Thank you so much for this great article, you are a brilliant Survivor Sister!
Love to you, my sister.
I just want to say that I am one of probably many, many, many people who read and value your writings but never leave a comment. There are surely lots of us who need your validation, understanding, respect and empathy. I thank you so much for all of this. Your words are never in vain. And because of the content of your post today, I finally felt the need to respond.
Today I cried to my therapist, lamenting how I am forty years old, have had fifteen years of intense therapy and still feel stuck — all of my childhood dreams having been buried under this mountain of pain, anguish, unanswered questions, intense fear and others’ denial. My progress is agonizingly slow.
But then I returned home to find your email and immediately read the post and cried again, this time because I felt validated. Maybe it’s okay that my progress is slow. I do sometimes wish I could flip a switch and instantly feel worthy and let go of the past, but since it’s clear that I can’t, I will accept that it’s going to take as long as it takes. And I won’t give up.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. It means a tremendous amount to me.
Wow! This is such an incredibly kind and validating comment. I just want you to know I know how much it stinks. And it probably seems slower than it is. I believe that on some level, those of us who choose recovery are flying at warp speed. It only feels slow to us. And I am so proud of you, just as I am proud of all survivors who keep going despite the pain.
please don’t ever feel bad about what you consider a slow progressive journey. those of us who go through it probably all feel the same at some time or another…just remember…there is no right or wrong speed at recovery…in fact, it may take forever. its how we feel good about how far we’ve come that matters. not how long it took. you are doing awesome.
Thank you so much for this… I needed to hear it and be reminded of it. We abandon each other and ourselves far too much on this journey and it is the most harmful thing. I am honored to journey with you and so glad I found your blog.
I am so glad you found my blog too. I just visited your blog and I have always been an Indigo Girls fan, but never heard that song. It is beautiful! Thank you.
Thanks Elisabeth and all of you. I find so much courage and hope in your words. Mostly, I feel like I am not alone – That there are other people doing this incredibly challenging and painful yet ultimately healing work. It can be a lonely road!
Very grateful for each of you and all that have gone before.
I am grateful for you too. Each and every survivor that reads and comments here is an inspiration to me. Thanks for journeying with me.
Thank you once again, Elisabeth, for another timely article that seems to be cosmically in tune with my own process.
You are one of two or three people who have suggested that it is perhaps time to write my story. I began to write an overview in 2011 and when a sociologist acquaintance brought it up again yesterday something shifted inside me. I looked at my files and realized that I had written more than I remembered. I was up all night finishing it. A small beginning.
I am a transgender woman now in my fifth year after coming out. Needless to say, it has been a large factor in my recovery process. One has consistently both strengthened and impeded the other for many years now. The “Irresistible force” has finally met the “Immovable object” head on.
Like my decision to finally transition to my authentic self, my fears of revealing my abuse have been overpowered by the need to offer something that may be of value to others.
I was up all night finishing it and sent it to his email address. I would be happy to send it your way as well, though I know you must get an overwhelming number of similar accounts.
I cringe when others say that I am brave for transitioning openly (I am very visibly transgender), because until now I was too afraid of the backlash from my abusers to be open about my abuse.
Every time I read your articles I see more strength and courage than seems possible for me personally.
I still don’t feel brave,and I don’t expect to, but I do feel inspired and determined thanks to your reaching out to others like myself.
Thank you so much Elisabeth.
Wow! I am so proud to know you. You are very courageous. Just remember that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. (Nelson Mandela) I am sure your story is powerful. Feel free to send it my way at beatingtrauma@gmail.com. I also have the forum here on my site. Please join if you would like. And thank you for your support on Facebook.
Thank you for clearly articulating what survivors need to hear from others. I love your suggested responses. The forget it, it’s in the past crap needs to go. I pray for our society to embrace the power in honoring survivor’s truth & all the intense emotions that go with that.
Thank you Donna. Yes! Society needs to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Otherwise, we will never grow.
I feel like everything you have writte. Stuck like…I was when my mom died at 34.my daughter dies at 34 and I had to give up the only baby girl she would ever have. Going through the same emotional..issues in a different place. Issues from a past of..abandoned by parents. 5 different caregivers..you are always waiting for that next visit.learned to disassociate.. function …you love your kids. Purpose. Worked hard.issues..with intimacy. So..now I am the heavy..My husband..son at home I am. Trying.and seeing I am being bullied.or they all want something.with attitude that is cruel.I deserve it as a child. Now as an older person. Deal with all these and more and..again your words. Hope I can get that. Thank you for showing up.Susan
I am so sorry for all you have been through and the pain that you are feeling. You deserve to be treated well by those who claim to love you. Don’t accept less than loving respect.
Thank you for writing this. Sometimes I want to say some of the harsh things and just push away my pain and “get on with my life” but it never works out that way. That’s why I am doing my best to be gentle with all my inner parts (children) and let them know we are okay and it is safe to come out and see the world. Hiding and masks and disassociating seems so much easier except in the long run I end up hiding from the world (and men) and gaining more weight so no one will want me physically.
Thank you for your real comment Teresa. It can seem easier to defend against the tough emotional work, but we can’t get relief that way. Sending love and light to you on your journey.